Saying I "can't understand" you b/c I'm a woman, would be insulting if you knew me. But I take no offense b/c you know nothing about me. I just worry that is the same attitude you showed your w when she didn't agree with you.
You mention the differences between men and women kind of a lot, and I detect an undertone of emotionalism (irrationality?) assigned to women, and logic to men (i.e. you) . Not a very useful belief, in my opinion. More like a defense...
For what it's worth, I didn't care about your porn use. It's just not a hot button topic for me. I only cared that you ignored what your wife felt about it. Every single time I commented about it, you defended yourself and simultaneously claimed to have "owned" it.
Wsh, you came to this site for help in saving your m, or alternatively, to save yourself. Correct?
Your w is not here. It doesn't matter what we think of HER or her choices. You're the one here.
So yes, the focus is only on what YOU can do to help reconcile
AND OR help you get through and hopefully grow from this God awful painful ordeal. That is why we only focus on you.
I've suggested GAL activities more than once. As far as I know you are doing little in that area.
I've suggested ways to change how you view this,
or how you can change your behaviors in order to grow in this ordeal...and push beyond your comfort levels.
As far as I know, you've resisted all of these^^, or you vacillate. Or get mad, claiming we are bashing you.
You say you have "already owned" your part in the marriage problems - but I don't get that feeling Wsh. I get the feeling you want us to harp on her, but that's not our job. (We know this $[censored]. Believe me, we get it.)
Now back to you...
What are you changing that reflects "owning" your part?
We want to help you benefit and learn...
When you say She is "way worse than" you, and "she did far worse things", my question is What can we do with that type of comment, to help you now?
Your behavior now is literally the only thing within your control.
Learning from your mistakes and behaving differently from this day forward, is your goal. Correct? Am I missing something?
Finally, You said you have struggled with depression, anxiety and fear for many years.
These issues ^^were absolutely marital problems. And You said that you "can't do anything about" them b/c of your job. So, I assume nothing there will change...
From where I sit, that ^^ is you placing more importance on your security clearance than your marriage. (Or that powerful inertia is keeping you stuck again )...
if nothing behaviorally has changed for you, then this experience pain isn't even yielding the one upside of it.
Wsh, Pain can be the touchstone for tremendous growth. OR for lasting sadness and bitterness.
In the end, that is ^^^ our most important choice.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
