Anchor the shark, reporting for duty! Wait, no, scratch that…reporting for duty is Monsters Inc. Anchor the shark…uh…well…Anchor the shark, checking in fish sober! How’s that?
Okay, Bets…you want lessons that I have learned and keeping my marriage out of the limelight? What a good day to write this. I am exhausted (physically AND mentally) but I actually had some great clarification moments last night – Pam, if you are reading this, these clarification moments occurred AFTER the venting email!
My self-help drug of choice right now is Adult Children of Alcoholics. This book was recommended by D4’s therapist (D4 is not my biological child, she was birthed by my sister who is dealing with some life-altering changes right now, consequently I am indefinitely raising her little girl who came ‘home’ with me a month ago). Although neither of D4’s parents were alcoholics, my sister never took a true active role in parenting her little girl. The book itself focuses on parental behaviors that are common in alcoholic homes. What I am discovering is that these behaviors are also present in homes headed by crazymakers and do-nothings as my childhood home and D4’s were, respectively. What is standing out to me right now is that people raised by alcoholics (and crazymakers and do-nothings) are more comfortable with negative feelings than with positive ones.
Hence, the yelling and screaming to receive words of affirmation. We cannot ask in a positive way for what we want, because we have been trained in the negative. That is why I find negative humor so hilarious. I am comfortable with it. I have heard the negatives my entire life. What we don’t do, what we do wrong, what we positively aren’t, what we negatively are, etc. So, instead of walking up to my H and saying, “thanks for picking up the children today, I really appreciate it” I would be more comfortable with, “Yeah, you got the children. But you forgot D4’s shoes. And where is S1’s art? And did you possibly remember to sign them OUT of the center this time?” and if he answered, “The shoes are in the truck, the art is hanging on the refrigerator and I signed them out at promptly 2:15” my response still couldn’t be positive. I might say, “Well what are her shoes doing in the truck?” Or something. You get the picture. I may be very grateful that he picked up the children, but expressing that is something that I wasn’t trained to do. Find the negatives, highlight them, and if they get solved then better find some new ones!
New goal. For one entire week I will not point out one negative action to my H. If he forgets D4’s shoes, she can wear one of the other 1,000 pairs she owns. If he forgets S1’s art, I’ll pick it up the next day. You get the picture. So long as the children aren’t playing in rush hour traffic while drinking household cleaners – he’s off the hook.
So, as it is getting later and later last night I am getting more and more into this section of my book about negative behaviors. The phone rings, sobbing girlfriend on the other end of the line wants to come over and watch a movie. A fricking movie at 11:30pm on a Sunday night! But, because I know she would do it for me I invited her, her movie, and her bottle of wine over. Mona Lisa Smile. Rent it.
My favorite part of the movie is the line where she says, “you don’t need to like it. You don’t need to appreciate it. You just need to consider it” struck a chord with me. Consider it. Even though it is different then anything you’ve ever been presented with, simply consider it without condemning it. She was talking about art, but I was thinking about marriage. Consider it. Don’t negatively address it, don’t pretend to love it when you don’t, but for goodness sake at least CONSIDER it. Seems simple enough right? I’m guessing that it hasn’t been something I have done often since it stuck in my head like that.
New goal. Instead of controlling it, and assuming that every action my H does or does not do is his way of moving closer to divorce I am going to CONSDIER it before casting it aside as a bad thing. I may not love it. I may not agree with it. But I will consider it. That includes unplanned trips across the country. That includes the fact that he ignored a major holiday. That includes his need to sleep at his mother’s to escape the chaos of a house with children. Those can no longer be sources of irritation for me until I have considered allowing them to be positives.
I have a pile of work to do, but I have first an assignment for my dream team of sharks here. Sharkies, I want you and others to do this with me. This occurred to me last night as I was trying to fall asleep after Mona Lisa Smile.
Make two lists. One list is things that you are going to begin considering (things that you didn’t give much thought about before, but called them negative) and the other list is a list of things that are deal breakers for you (things that you have considered and decided that nope, that is simply not acceptable to you and your morale). I’ll do the same. I’m interested to see what we can come up with here…
GO US!!!!
"It is not easy to find happiness in ourselves, and it is not possible to find it elsewhere."
--Agnes Repplier, writer and historian
