New member, please help.

[sandi2]

Hi James, how are you coming on reading the DR book?

I am a little confused about the time frames in which things began falling apart.

I lost a long standing job about a decade ago. My w was very upset but supported me when I proposed training for a new career. The project was extremely difficult and required full attention over many years.

But the loss of my job destroyed my confidence and self esteem and I found it difficult to organize and to cope. I let my own insecurities and personal issues, poor organization, family and mundane issues get in the way. It was the loss of confidence and self esteem that pushed me in this career direction because I had no belief in myself and couldn't apply for jobs.

So "the project" was a new career? By saying it required full attention for many years, are you also saying you were not involved in family activities, or did not have time for your W and the raising of the children?

About 2 years ago, my w started saying I should get a job and in hindsight I believe now she was unhappy, stressed and depressed. She was working to keep the family above water while I contributed nothing to the finances and all the pressure was on her.

This is where I get confused about the new career. Have you not worked since losing your job ten years ago? Your W has worked outside the home to financially support the family during this time?

Shortly after their return we went out to have a heart to heart during which my wife said I must get a job. She was very insistent but I also insisted that I could not but I would finish my plans and all would be good.

Finish what plans? What were you doing during this ten year span?

I feel I can identify with your W to some extent. Your part of the M breakdown does not excuse her EA, it only explains why she was vulnerable to another man. It also tells me why she has a lot of resentment, and probably loss of respect for you.

With your issues of depression and loss of self-confidence, did you seek medical help or a counselor?

I thought my wife understood but the finances suddenly became worse and I needed to find work fast. My wife was clearly distressed and couldn't cope.

Understood what? That you were depressed and lost your confidence over a job ten years ago?

My wife was clearly distressed and couldn't cope. She wanted me to find employment with regular pay but I simply couldn't do this and I became self employed with a poor variable income.

As I've said, I am confused about what you did during those ten years. A woman expects her H to be responsible for the welfare of the family. If that means he has to take a regular job, so be it. She was looking at three children, who were under the age of ten a decade ago. She tried to support you, but at the end of day........she has children to feed and bills to pay. Then there was the issue of no money to go see her dying mother. That is huge, and obviously added to the resentment growing in her heart. Whether fair or not, her hurt and anger was directed to her H, b/c he was not financially contributing to needs of the family. She loses respect for her H, and when the respect is gone, the loss of loving feelings quickly follow.

So I'm not sure what to do now. Should I stay silent but that's hard to do without seeming nasty.

Should I Message or write to her apologising for the past ?

In her current state, apologizing will have very little effect.........if you show no action to change the situation. What you really need to do is get a job. No more thinking and planning.........just get a job of some kind, and bring home a regular paycheck. Until she sees you working to support your family, an apology is not really what she wants, IMHO.

I have thought of a new simple way to earn money which requires some training and am looking into it. It is quick to learn and something I will enjoy unlike the previous project.

Forget looking into the next project that takes even more time without a payroll check coming into the house. Look James, I have been in the shoes of your W. My H tried the self employed route, and would go for months at a time without income. No matter how understanding a woman may be, it just does something to her when she has a H who won't provide for his family. If he is in school, preparing for his career, she knows it has a time frame and he won't be in school the rest of their lives. However, going from one project to the next, does not offer the security a woman desperately needs.

My suggestion is to not discuss the OM and his lack of morals, etc. It will fall on bitter ears. She won't see the faults of the OM, b/c she only sees the faults in you. I recommend you either find the man you once were, or reinvent yourself. If you remain the same, you will lose your family.