I could have written those words a few months ago when I was at the beginning of piecing. During his replay phase, I thought that if one day he was done with it and made his mind to stay, the piecing phase was going to be some kind of honeymoon. I was so wrong... That connection/love that I have been craving was nowhere in sight, I was astonished by his lack of love/passion and he was so touchy about his past actions, I had to be so careful. I was left again doing the heavy lifting.
Like you I started to have so huge waves of anger and resentment, I decided to stay detached as much as I could, some days I was good at it some days not so much, I took the habit to talk daily to a very good friend, she was my angel, those daily conversations helped me to vent, to sort out my feelings but also to evaluate what was going on. I stayed engage in different GAL activities and focused on my kids.
At one point it seemed that instead of going better it went somehow worst, he became even more distant, then his behavior started to improve for the better and the connection between us too , he started to be less "touchy" and more interested in the kids and me.
That whole depression/withdrawal period lasted about 6 months, even if I was doing a pretty good job at being detached I remember telling myself at one point Ok if there is no change in 6 months I am going to file or ask him to move out because I could feel it was taking a toll on me.
That nasty MLC is such a long miserable journey for us the LBS. I really understand your frustration, no you are not selfish to want more.
It's going to take a while until the fantasy of the OW goes away fully but it will eventually, don't try to compete with that fantasy, it will just reinforce the idea he has of it. Just live your life, stay detached, keep those acts of kindness (it helps to smooth the relationship), Gal and keep venting here or to a good friend for your own sanity... Look back and ask yourself, is my life today better today than one year, 2 years or even 3 years ago? Sometimes we want more than we have and forget to appreciate what we have at that very moment. I am the first guilty of that. Remember, he chose you not her, he could have chose her but something stopped him... Stop thinking about what he said a few months ago, it was his thoughts then but his thoughts now might be different. Passion is great but it doesn't last, it's just a phase, deep love is about attachment/connection, something more quiet, I listened to a Ted talk about that and it made me reconsider the notion of what real love is.
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
