WAS vs MLC..not sure it really makes a difference

[25yearsmlc]

Whew....I have almost completed day #4 of my 5 (12 hour) shifts at work....one more shift to go Hopefully I can hang on.

Not really much going on here. Just trying to keep myself busy.

Thank you Skyhigh, Blu and Job for commenting on my last post. I will say that I honestly do have a hard time with the amount of communication I should initiate with my H. Like Skyhigh said I do not have children so there is really not any need to contact him. I think sometimes that is a blessing and a curse. I would love to have communication with him, but then again I need to not make it seem like I am pursing.

Skyhigh.....thank you as always for saying things to make me feel better. I really do try not to take anything that he says to me too personal. But when he makes comments about how he never thinks about me and he doesn't think about the A or how he treated me, it is hard not to. It's as if our M never existed.

Give him time and space to learn and see the past without pressure to regret his mistakes. (Not pressure from you, necessarily. But who enjoys feeling like they screwed up?) Most of us try to delay or avoid facing that.


He always wanted me to thank him for doing simple things around the house and I just couldn't do it.

Well that is something you probably need to change. My DB coach told me to "applaud loudly for the 1% of positives" my h did. Words of affirmation are h's love language (and physical touch). Most men want to be admired by their spouses.

It mattered a lot to h and it cost me nothing. Plus it will set an example for your h to perhaps do the same for you.

Did you ever read the "Five Love Languages" by Chapman? it's pretty useful.




I think because I didn't need him to tell me thank you for doing things, so why should I tell him thank you. I see now that me doing that was really important to him and he really needed words of affirmation.

Maybe You have different love languages. But as you are now realizing, it mattered to him and would have cost you nothing. I know it's a hard lesson, but it's great that you are realizing it. When you do interact, it would not hurt to give him at least one compliment and if it is handled sincerely but without expectation, it can't hurt.

As far as what phase he is in, in regard to MLC, I would have no clue. I can say with certainty that he is continuing to struggle financially as he asked me to make some changes to a bill so that he could "get himself in a better financial position."

I also think he is doing things to keep himself busy so that he doesn't have to think about what he has done. I know this man and he has ignored, or just forgotten people in his life that were close to him, and has turned his back on past girlfriends when they were asking him for more of his time. He also turned his back on a family member and never thought anything about it. He has no issues with just walking away, so he will have no problem ignoring me and acting like this never happened.

well, that might happen. It might not. Try not to borrow trouble from tomorrow.


Blu.....I cried really good after listening to that CD, it was awful. I am realizing things I need to work on and it is a daily thing for me. I just am still having a hard time with him living his life and not wanting anything to do with me.


What can you do about that? What if you GAL? Seriously, what if? How could it hurt?

I was revisiting the conversation we had when he apologized for some things, but the more I thought about it, the more I realized that he was still blaming me for things, and insinuating I was doing things when I wasn't. At first I thought he was being sincere when he apologized, but now I think he really did it for his benefit and to make himself feel better, and also so he can say "I said I'm sorry and now I'm moving on." That conversation was all about him. He never asked me how I was doing, nor did he ever validate me or what I was saying. To me it still screamed of selfishness.

OR he wanted to get something off his chest. Perhaps trying to find a flaw in the conversation helps you to detach...or not.


As the NP in the ICU, I have to have many difficult conversations with patients and family members. Some of the time I can hear what I am saying and think to myself "you should be telling yourself some of the same things." I guess the saying "easier said then done" is true.


Amen!!

He has told me on several occasions that he is not seeing anyone, and he is not spending time with anyone in that capacity. I told him all I have is his word. But, all I can think about is all those years where I would ask him if there was someone else and he would lie to me and tell me "NO"....hard to really believe what he says anymore.

Maybe it's best not to ask. Not sure why he's telling you .... Or act as if it's none of your business and maybe even say that you're "not ruling it out" FOR YOU but "you know, whatever."


Job.....We have some mutual friends so I do know that he is going out and spending time doing things, and he is also doing things he would have never done when we were married.

I need to keep re-reading what you said to me.....

"show this man you are a strong, independent woman who can make it on her own. Just remember, the more you push, the harder he's going to pull away and run the other way."

"when the time is right he'll contact you...but if he's dark at the moment, then that means he's thinking of something else and doing other things to avoid thinking about you and the situation."

I remember him telling me once that he knew I was a strong, independent person and that I would be able to handle all of this fine on my own. My fear is that he will keep running and never come back, and I may never hear from him ever again.

Yet there is nothing you can do about what he thinks, except to be fine (validating and friendly and strong, etc) if you run into him.


This is the man who told me from day one of me finding out about the A that he wanted a divorce. He has not initiated anything in regard to that. How does someone continue to live in this limbo. Sometimes I feel like he is having his cake and eating it too.

How so?

Sometimes the most an LBSer can do, is reduce their pain (contain the damage) and make their new lives into new, good lives in which they find peace and joy. It IS within our control.



I sometimes think he hasn't initiated the D because he would rather spend his money on fun things, or things he wants to do like going out having fun, not having any responsibility and running up all kinds of bills and going into debt without ever thinking about what he is doing. I know myself and my patience is wearing thin. I am not sure how much longer I can do this

Is this ^^ putting you at risk, financially? You're allowed to protect yourself.

I am also not sure how much longer I am going to be able to hold my tongue and not lash out at him.

Lashing out and showing HIM your anger, will fuel his negatives. It's just not effective or in your interests. At all. I have never seen a WAS slap their forehead and suddenly realize YOU ARE RIGHT!! They must return, asap...

lashing out just plays right into his narrative...You need to detach to the max.