Hi friends, I haven't posted on my thread lately because things have been looking up for my situation, but I have kept up with a few other people's threads and tried to be an encouragement. I need some today. I feel so sad, and just can't stop tears from silently just falling. Not the wracking, deep sobs of a few months ago (thank God) but more of a quiet, sad despair. My H has begun to call and text, and we plan to meet for a weekend soon, just to see where we are and how we both feel. I have been feeling really good about the prospect, but today all I can think about is- he hasn't even sad I'm sorry, for abandoning you, for sleeping with someone else, for ignoring your calls and texts, and I could keep going but you get it. He called today while I was in church and left a voice mail. He was chewing food while he was talking and was just so casual saying I was trying to make your chicken salad but I couldn't remember blah blah- and I thought- how can you just call like that like nothing has happened? That is so weird for me to be having these thoughts now, after weeks of having really good, casual conversations with him, and feeling fine about it. I read somewhere here that forgiveness is about accepting an apology that never comes. Surely when he sees me in person, he will say, Hey, I sure am sorry about the hell I just put you through. Or will he expect me to just be so thankful to have him back that I will pretend right along with him that it never happened? I just feel shaky and scared today, and just needed to vent. Also I am sick physically-hopefully allergies and not getting the flu- so I know that's affecting me too. Plus it's the first time I've been sick since BD, and now I think- I really AM alone. Is this what my future will look like?
M-60 H-51 M-14 years BD 12/26/16 S 1/1/17
"First the pain, then the rising." Glennon Doyle Melton
