Just jotting down thoughts. Tomorrow will be my two years anniversary when I kicked ex out. Funny enough I'm very peaceful about it.
I have grown so much and become such a better person that this date will not affect me. When I started to date ex I was very naive about relationship (I had this Disney ideal in my head), not anymore. At times I wished I had learnt about relationship earlier and maybe I could have saved my M, but most often I'm glad it happened as it pushed me to face my fears (ok not that n a nice way).
When I met ex I was desperate to be with someone and to be loved by someone and I thought that love (Disney fantasy) would conquer it all. Now I know better as relationship requires work.
I'm breaking the cycle of feeling unloved with my kids. I give them hugs (which I never got as a child), I tell them I love them (which again was never told), and I don't use put down names (which I would/ still get now). At times I'm really struggling because this is all I know but I'm aware that I'm breaking a cycle and each day I get better.
I'm proud of myself as now I appreciate life (practising being grateful is one thing I really love doing), I have understood a lot about myself and I'm rectifying or accepting more my flaws. I'm more compassionate and I do things without expecting anything in return ( I'd do it but would still feel upset if there wasn't a return). I have also learnt that most of my issues are way back in my childhood and how my parents transferred their knowledge on me. I don't blame them because they didn't know better and all this kind of soul searching is alien to them.
Whereas on the other hand I have the knowledge and I'm changing the course of my life. It isn't easy every day but each and every of them I'm getting better. I know I'm an awesome lady and ex has lost a diamond, but if he hadn't done what he did I would have never embark on this journey.
On D front, solicitor admitted losing my wedding certificate and despite several texts to ex to forward his copy to solicitor he hasn't done it. Well I'm no longer second guessing why he won't do it and what his reasons are. I'm sad that it has to come to this and that I will still have feelings for ex, but unfortunately there is no longer a future for us. I'm too far ahead of him now and I don't see any changes from his part (still blaming people for his problems).
On this note when ex comes to pick up kids he doesn't sound all that happy and cheerful. Today he was supposed to pick kids up for karate but as it was getting closer to the beginning of the lesson and he wasn't there I assumed they weren't going so I started to bake with them. Ex turned up 40 minutes later and kids said they didn't want to go with him. Usually ex would kick a fuss because it would have cost him money but not this time. As I would have friend I texting him to say sorry the he had to come all this way for nothing and within 20 seconds he replied. Now that is very unusual because he never replies to my texts when it is for something like that thank he would consider as trivial. Y
I don't know what is happening with him but with today a last week chat, this is very out of character for him! I'm not reading into it as I now for real feel that I have dropped the rope. It has three days that I didn't think about ex and I feel so much uplifted.
I'm not dating, nor am I looking for anyone. I GAL but as much as I'd like but shout to get me out of the house regularly. I'm at peace with the feeling that I could be single for the rest of my life but most importantly I'm loving myself more and more each day and my fears are gradually being taken care of.
I came here to save my marriage but I saved me. If ex hadn't cheated on me I'd have never dealt with my low self-esteem, feeling unlovable and mostly my depression. I'm not saying thank you for what he did but one way or another I would have had to deal with my demons and i guess the betrayal was the only way to force me to look deep into me and change the course of my life.
