The high road: rocky with a great view

[ciluzen]

Regression. I know, right? HaWho, you are absolutely amazing in how you are able to keep it together with your H in the house. I'm in awe of your patience and sense of humor in situations that would probably have me screaming. I don't know though...maybe not the "new" me. But I have very little contact (will probably be non-existant soon).

So, a few quick (well, probably not...I'm wordy) updates since Friday.

I went hiking with D26 and her puppy. He's been acting skittish around people so she wanted me to help her with him. I also chose this time tc push aside her boundaries about speaking to her about XH. I explained that holding in emotions and negative thoughts until they blow is what destroyed XH and my R, and that I was getting a very unsettling anger vibe from her. She would let little comments about him out to me, then bristle if I responded even in a positive way or (more telling)...especially if I showed no reaction. So I called her on it.

At first she said, "I'll be glad when you get over this". So I stopped her and told her that as much as I respected that she may feel that way, that statement was demeaning, rude, condescending and inconsiderate. NO validation from me. I asked her if she could ever imagine this happenning with her H of 1 1/2 years and she told me they had great communication. I laughed and said, "so did we, until we didn't". Until he became afraid of sharing his feelings for fear of hurting mine. Things can change as situations change. She then was ready to listen. So she and I talked and I expressed my feelings about her spending days at a time with not only him (which I encouraged) but with Bubbles, while giving me a rushed 15 minutes to an hour or two at a time. Then I listened to her and got her take. And listened and listened and listened.

She is angry at her father for doing this to not only me, but our family. She has had to practically beg to spend time with him without others, but most of the time he choses others over her. According to her, he feels his time not working is precious and he should be able to spend it with whom ever he wants. Her take is that he has chosen others over her. He hardly ever calls her. Her anger came out. We were able to work through it and, I believe, get past a bit and reach an understanding. I reiterated that bottling it all up and hoping it will go away on its own just makes it worse, even if it seems easier. You may be able to fake it til you make it with some things, but only if you are working on it as well.

On a different note...I'm getting a house! Our housing market (sellers market) has been nuts up here. I was getting stressed about buying a house, as getting a loan would be nearly impossible for me if I didn't find something by June (MFT program, no income other than spousal support while in it, only 3 1/2 years of spousal support left...banks don't like that). I found a house that was amazing in my price range within hours of it being listed and the sellers were going to accept all offers until the next evening and then pick the best one. I offered $10,000 over list...still didn't get it! My friend that looked at it with me was heart-broken and couldn't understand why I wasn't. So...thank you DB and MWD for the "no expectations" mantra. Also, I'm still learning that if it doesn't happen, maybe something better is coming down the pike. It was newer construction in a very nice, quiet, older neighborhood and had many components of my ideal (for my price range) home, but no character really.

I went out yesterday with my agent and low and behold, the last house I looked at...was IT! I felt like it was mine when I walked in. It was not only in the neighborhood that was "calling to me", but was right across the street from the park! 1949 house, upgraded and well taken care of craftsman bungalow, but not "flipped". Just funky and wierd enough to be "me". The for sale sign wasn't up yet, it wasn't even online yet...boom. Got the offer in and accepted within hours. I'm sooooo happy! As I told my friend...the other was not meant to be. This one was!

I'm learning...keep your mind open to the possibilities, figure out what you want, have no expectations, and accept that some things are not meant to be. Just kind of trying to have informed "feelings" be my guide. I'm still waiting for THAT feeling with XH...the not meant to be one. I'm not able to shut that door completely. But I am VERY grateful for the things breezing through my other doors and windows right now!