Thank you so much job, I needed to hear a bit of TLC and know that I am not stuck ...yet.
kml - I went to see my dr and he was away and so saw a female Dr who has just started at the practice. She said the same as my Dr, they don't treat until at least 10 as Tsh levels can fluctuate quite a lot up until then, which I have proved correct as my levels are all over the place. My next bloods are May so will see what they come back as. I will look in to supplements and see what I can get over here.
This weekend I went camping with a g/friend, we only went for an overnight camp just to see what I need to change if anything before I go solo. After work on Saturday we drove for about 1.5hr to a free camp site that backs on to sand dunes. We set up camp under some trees for shelter and had dinner (first issue - it was windy and cooker struggled to boil kettle for a cuppa), fell asleep to the sound of the waves, felt safe (we took separate tents) as other campers around us and woke up just as the sun was rising. After a cooked breakfast (cooker went well with the bbq plates on it) we packed up our site and went for a walk along the beach. Then set off for another 1hr drive to find a waterfall I had read about, along the way we passed a hill which allegedly has the longest place name in the world - "Taumatawhakatangihangakoauauotamateaturipukakapikimaungahoro nukupokaiwhenuakitanatahu", which translates into English as "the place where Tamatea, the man with the big knees, who slid, climbed and swallowed mountains, known as'landeater',played his flute to his loved one."
We drove in to the hills and onto a very long and winding gravel road in search of the waterfall, the road seemed to go on forever and completely off the main road, I am sure I could hear banjo's being played as we went further in to the back country! Then there it was, the waterfall, it was impressive in height and width but sadly due to a very dry summer it was more a trickle than a thunderous roar, but still, it was worth the expedition. So now back home, car unloaded, laundry on, showered and a cup of tea in hand my first tent adventure is documented, photographed and safely in the memory bank. Onward to my first solo adventure which weather permitting will be next weekend.
In other news - h was true to his word and paid me some money (not much and works out that if he continues on this amount it will be 32 months of payments!). The day it arrived in my bank I played with the thought that I should acknowledge the payment, I just felt it was the polite and courteous thing to do - just because he is an a$$ does not mean I have to sink to his level - so the following day I sent him an email, I kept it short, wrote " Hi, Thank you for the payment, s20 told me to expect it. I hope this finds you well, much love L x" I know this may lead to a 2x4 from you, the unnecessary sentiment, but I always have signed off that way, its what I do, we are not d, I do still care about him (crazy I know) so I did what felt right for me, whether he reacted to it or not.
Next morning I received an email from him, saying "hey, I am sorry I did not start payments sooner, I only went back to work 3 weeks ago, I am now working at xyz as a manager, very challenging,steep learning curve for a year or 2!! Payments have been set for this date each month from now on. Yes I am well thanks, I hope you are the same. Love, Me x
So the communication blackout has been broken. I felt it was as pleasant as it could be under the circumstances, I did not send a reply, I dont intend to and I dont expect to hear from him again.
My g/friend is cross with me, said I have given him an in again and she gives him 2 weeks before he emails me for something trivial, just making sure I am still hooked. She is concerned that I will never get over him and move on while we have contact.She said he has a fantasy woman and at the moment he will be trying out a few women and each one of them not the fantasy, but as he ages the pool of women gets smaller, all the while he is keeping me in the background, until his pool is a puddle and I am the best and only option left.
I do understand what she is saying , just getting that email made my emotional state heightened for a couple of days, I felt a little sad while camping knowing that it would have been us together had our reconciliation worked out. I also have this thing in my head about "who is going to fancy a middle aged, broke, balding, wobbly woman" and that h is the one who accepts how I look as he has been with me throughout, someone is better than no one kind of thing.
I know its stuff I need to work through and find a way of accepting it. I don't expect him to be interested in me again, he has made it very clear he isn't anymore, and I am not sure I could be with him now anyway. We just don't seem to be able to walk away from each other permanently, when one talks the other listens and responds, the cycle continues, until one of us is strong enough to say "no more".
Right, well my laundry is done and it will be an early night for me before work tomorrow. I have had a really lovely weekend, highs and lows in the feelings game but happy that I am living life and experiencing new things and places.
