Dealing with Devastation

[giftd]

So my friend/roommate talked to her on Thursday (2 days ago). They talked for about 4 hours. The first 20 minutes were awkward, her wall was up and it's a hard subject to bring up. He was worried I would be upset because he didn't make more progress, but he had a productive 4 hour conversation where she listened. I was happy.

She started by saying that he can call her "$h**bag #2" if he wants. Which his ex fiance who did this to him is #1. He said no, you are my friend. Then like we had talked about he asked her side of the story, listened, and acknowledged her feelings. Used a "2 minute rule" where one person would talk for 2 minutes and the other person had to just listen until time was up.

She was defensive at first and loosened up as it went along. Wasn't wearing her ring. This hurts but I had prepared for it. She is still running, still wants to come get more of her stuff soon. He said she has a perception of me right now and who I am, what my limits are. He very deftly combatted these with examples both from the past and things I'm working on while acknowledging that some things I've done or haven't done were legit grievances, but ones that are fixable. I've talked to him ad nauseum about the books I've read and he presented himself as a neutral third party with our best interests at heart. He made clear he thinks we should be together but can use the time apart to work on ourselves.

She likes her job, the one she told me she hated and broke down crying about, and resents the fact that I hate she works there. He said that he thought she hated it there, he assumes that I think she does as well because she called it derogatory names and complained before cutting ties with it for 3 months. She wasn't seeing how she was painting it to everyone else. Her other resentments are both legit and from a distorted picture from the anger she is feeling, but the point he got across is that nto feeling "in love", is understandable while you are feeling this way. But what is she doing to deal with her resentments? She has given up all her coping activities because she's too tired from work. Not finding a way to forgive and look forward means she'll never have a relationship work.

She doesn't like who she is right now. This is something I've assumed, but it's nice she said it out loud to someone. She is going to counseling and asked if I was. She asked how I was doing and he gave vague answers while playing up that I'm doing work on myself and making changes. He said if she really wants to know she should ask me herself. She is scared to talk to me, to see me. She thinks I'm going to hurt her or myself because of my depression. She really doesn't understand it. He actually yelled at her for leaving and using my depressed feelings as part of the excuse. To tell someone that you are at rock bottom emotionally, that you aren't sure if living or dying is better, is hard to do. And it was something that she didn't handle at all. I feel like I shouldn't have told her, but in reality if we are in a relationship I should be able to tell her those things. She admitted she didn't handle it well and apologized to him, he said to say it to me.

She thinks that my friend should try getting back together with his ex-fiance who kicked him out without a real reason. He read my wife the letter his ex wrote saying she regretted everything. She wasn't dealing with her problems and put them onto the relationship. He said replace the names and it sounds awful familiar. She heard that, she cried. She has stated that she isn't in a relationship, doesn't want to be, wants to be alone for the next 2-3 years, maybe forever (sounds dramatic right?). She also told him where she is staying (not with her boss, she's at the work apartment) and that he can tell me about the conversation.

So while nothing was necessarily resolved during this talk, I am motivated by the discussion. I know her, the ideas will rattle around and replay. Mood swings may come depending on the day. He's going to try to setup another meeting for lunch or dinner on Sunday as he leaves on Monday for another month and hopes to be the person she can talk to and get thinking. I hope she lets him as she hasn't been talking to any of her friends. I know the road is long still, but while she's still running, this will slow her down. I still have to see her on Wednesday for the rescheduled ferret surgery (she's picking it up after since I have class). This will be the first face to face since 2/19. Being the best me I can without overdoing it, not wearing my hat will make her take notice (It's a coping mechanism for my anxiety, never leave the house without a hat on). Stay with the plan...