Hi everyone, I bid you good day and thank you for the knowledge I have gained from lurking and humbly ask for your guidance. I am reading 'The Divorce remedy' (currently at the chapter about depression ) but I simply cannot afford to phone a coach and I have no idea if this will change any time soon. I apologize for a passage which is likely to be similar in length to 'War and Peace' but here goes...
H 50 Brit. W 46 s e Asian. M 24 years next week R almost 25 years D 20, S 17, D 12,
History, I lost a long standing job about a decade ago. My w was very upset but supported me when I proposed training for a new career. The project was extremely difficult and required full attention over many years.
But the loss of my job destroyed my confidence and self esteem and I found it difficult to organize and to cope. I let my own insecurities and personal issues, poor organization, family and mundane issues get in the way. It was the loss of confidence and self esteem that pushed me in this career direction because I had no belief in myself and couldn't apply for jobs.
About 2 years ago, my w started saying I should get a job and in hindsight I believe now she was unhappy, stressed and depressed. She was working to keep the family above water while I contributed nothing to the finances and all the pressure was on her.
This meant our having no money to spare and being unable to visit her family until, with her mother seriously ill we managed to visit them about a year and a half ago. Things weren't good between us but I didn't understand to what extent.
My w and family visited again in August returning in September last year. During that time my wife's motherhood she loved most dearly died.
Shortly after their return we went out to have a heart to heart during which my wife said I must get a job. She was very insistent but I also insisted that I could not but I would finish my plans and all would be good.
I meant this in all sincerely as it was always my goal to take good care of my wife and family whom, I love deeply, of course. I thought my wife understood but the finances suddenly became worse and I needed to find work fast. My wife was clearly distressed and couldn't cope. She wanted me to find employment with regular pay but I simply couldn't do this and I became self employed with a poor variable income.
It took me a couple of months to do this and during that time my wife became distant and started sleeping on the couch. I replaced her on the couch as she needs more sleep than me and she has made the bedroom her fortress over the last few months.
In December I got my wife a new bigger Mobile phone at her request, (the contracts are in my name) and shortly afterward, around December 2016 I found the older one on the couch were I was sleeping. I looked through it and found messages between her and another man to whom she was reaching out. Their E A was new as they were getting to know each other but almost immediately he was trying to become intimate though my wife was more stand offish wanting to get to know him.
During a disagreement I disclosed my knowledge of this which she denied until I proved it. My w became very angry accusing me of invading her privacy but I didn't let that wash and divert the issue from the salient point. My w said she didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce and now she had told me she would f-ck someone else if she wanted to.
I don't remember what my immediate reactions were but I tried in the aftermath to reason, plead and demonstrate our love which all fell on deaf ears and a cold heart. I remember at a later date my wife telling me with contempt that I panicked when she said she wanted a divorce. I realise now that I really shot myself in the foot by divulging what I knew and reacting in the way I did.
In January we went out to talk. I wanted, tried to go through things and explain the past with a view to persuading her to step back( By then she had seen negotiators and apparently had a free meeting with a solicitor) but all she would talk about was arranging finances and preparing for divorce and my moving out.
I said that I would not leave and that it was in our children's and our interest two-step backward from this and live separately in the house so as not to upset our youngest. My wife said she needed a week to think about it. She is still thinking apparently and recently said that I need to contribute better to the finances in the next couple of months.
About 3 or 4 weeks ago I located my wife's old phone again and found pictures sent to her of a different man possible in his 60s though he may just look older and my w together in public sight seeing and naked photos of him on his own at a different time, possibly selfys and selfys of my wife taken by her in our bathroom in underwear. She saw him a total of 3 or 4 times in Jan and Feb up to about a week ago but a few days ago I overheard her talking with her friend during which she said that he had said that he didn't want to continue their relationship as he didn't want to stand in the way of her relationship with her husband. My wife told her friend that she doesn't have a relationship with her husband. that she had been crying and felt so stupid. My wife talked about me saying she didn't think she wanted to live with me forever and that's why she was so upset.
Yesterday I overheard my wife saying she missed him and that was the problem. I don't know if she was on the phone or talking to herself as nothing else was said.
My wife continues to be surly with me and normally leaves whatever room she is in when I enter. She is very cold and hostile swearing at me and calling me names at times when I have needed to point out a minor matter. The last time I said shut up a few times and she did after which I said don't talk to me if you can't say anything nice.
I believe I have failed to take care of my wife and family and not been the man my wife needed and she has finally had enough. Maybe I can rebuild the relationship by changing, fixing the house, being more supportive, earning money, taking charge of my life, gal. I am doing these things for her , for my children and for me. Two of my kids have started m /arts with me. Something I loved in the past and we are having great fun Together. I feel better for doing these things though I need to to earn more as I am not providing enough to save the family from financial ruin. I have thought of a new simple way to earn money which requires some training and am looking into it. It is quick to learn and something I will enjoy unlike the previous project. I realised my short Cummings before reading the divorce remedy as I had over the last 6 months been evaluating my life and the effect it was having on my family ( I haven't mentioned the effect on our children ) and I was preparing to make changes.
I believe I need to to continue improving in these areas for my wife to take notice but her affair worries me. It is one thing to have an E A but another to make it physical and I don't know that I can cope with the betrayal if that becomes the case. I know that the O M has dropped my w but she is very vulnerable and unhappy. She misses the feelings he gave her and I believe she is or will try to renew the relationship. Maybe the O M is genuine or he is playing her to push her into having sex. Fortunately He lives at least 2 hours away and maybe he feels it's too far.
So I'm not sure what to do now. Should I stay silent but that's hard to do without seeming nasty.
Should I Message or write to her apologising for the past ?
I like the idea of this and also saying that dispite the problems that I have been committed to her but that any relationship found on tinder is unlikely to last as people are not looking for the commitment she desires. That they will make excuses for leaving, some genuine some to force the reaction from Her they want.
That would make me feel better about the situation. Actually I sent her a text referring to the O M as the marriage wrecker and questioning his morals knowing her husband was trying to save the marriage with 3 chidren amongst other things. Is it a coincidence that he dropped her or did she show him.
I guess what to do now really depends on all the reasons for my wife's actions or do they include a mid life crisis, and her state of mind now.
I really appreciate your reading this to the end and any advice you may have. Thank you and best wishes,
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka that I totally agree with.
Originally Posted By: Wonka
Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.
It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.
We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.
Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.
There is so much to learn on this site and through the books. The best advice I can give is GAL. It is the one thing that saved my sanity through my situation. Good luck!
Me: 38 W: 32 S10 D6 T: 10 (02/2004) M: 7 (12/2007) Separation 02/2015 OM confirmed 01/2015, D mentioned 12/2014 D finalized 9/2016
It is easy to be conflicted when you have so many emotions and thoughts going through your head!
You are so smart to recognize that there are many things that you can be doing to get yourself moving in a more positive direction. Focus on becoming the best James66 and Dad that only a fool would leave. These changes need to be made for you and your kids. They need to be long lasting and sincere. Prove that to yourself and anyone else through your actions, not your words.
Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal. Healing from infidelity is achievable for both of you with the right support and tools.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Hi cadet, thank you for your kind words and sage advice. I am currently gal returned to M/arts and my 2 daughters are coming with me. It's really
heart warming to share this with them.
Also making my way through Sandi2's posts which are very insightful and sleeping me greatly to understand.
I wish to know opinions about the following. The O M has last week dropped my wife saying that he doesn't want to come between us( re my first post). My w is still showing me disrespect and is clearly upset at his leaving and emmotionaly hooked.
I wonder if I should write or email her apologising for my part in the breakdown of our relationship which I believe is substantial and also warn that any relationship she starts on tinder is likely to fail (knowing it has temporarily at least)stating that men on there are normally after fun rather than the relationship she craves and may manipulate to get their way. (I am worried that this may be the case and she has just arranged for our youngest to be out the way for the first time since he dropped her).
I wonder if I should write or email her apologising for my part in the breakdown of our relationship which I believe is substantial and also warn that any relationship she starts on tinder is likely to fail (knowing it has temporarily at least)stating that men on there are normally after fun rather than the relationship she craves and may manipulate to get their way. (I am worried that this may be the case and she has just arranged for our youngest to be out the way for the first time since he dropped her).
Sending her this is probably the wrong thing to do. Best to say nothing and let her Pursue you
You seem to have accepted the need to change. I would like to hear you give yourself a little break.
It sounds to me as if you have personally had a breakdown or depression of some kind. Did you have medical help? In the UK there are resources that can help. Medical depression is recognised here and there is no issuing with having help for this.
So as a first step, let yourself off the hook for that.
You need extreme care in this.
Please whilst accepting your side of the street needs a good sweep, you are only responsible for your sandpit. Hold back on your letter or apology, it may go too far, have other consequences which we can't forsee. Plus you are in distress and your letter could back fire in any D proceedings or Custody. Important in the UK to have balance, this isn't just you when you are emotional. In due course if you are keen to write to WW there are those here who can help you draft a great letter. For now keep your powder dry.
Nothing, nothing you have done caused WW to have an EA, PA or to go wayward. She had many other choices in this. Many other choices including seeking counselling with you. This is her side of the street, her sandbox. And you are not responsible or accountable for her choices.
Start with Cadets reading material. I laminated Sandi guidelines, when in doubt stick to those. Do not leave your MBR, sleep on the couch or suggest you leave the MH. WW made her choices and you are accepting of her sleeping in the MBR. If she wants the couch that's a consequence. Tough about her sleep.
You are the one here on this board seeking change and growth. Good for you. It's a brave choice, there are wonderful posters here. Keep on posting, being in the UK sometimes we are out of step with the majority of the US who post. But responses from both your peers and those further down the road will follow. Keep posting please.
It's a long journey, sticking with your desire to be a new person with goals, desires, hobbies and a fulfilled life will have positive results.
So tell me, what help have you sought? There are self referral resources in many areas of the country too.
Are you in employment? Are you enjoying the world of work?
Are you in a position with private medical care that can help with counselling.
I think the first step is to provide you with some IRL support, it seems you have struggled for too long. A little tenderness to self.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
