The high road: rocky with a great view

[ciluzen]

Thank you Gordie. I guess writing something that is inspiring fills my cup a bit for a while. I'm glad you found some good in it!

Kyh, I see some parallels, too. It does get better...and easier. On the surface, I have let go enough that everyone is "amazed" at how well I'm doing. Of course, they don't get to see my rough patches...I keep that to myself. They are less rough and further apart these days. I have a few people I share my inner feelings with, though. I keep it brief. Its more a report, a few questions about their take on some of my ideas or on his behavior. It has become less and less of my interactions with others and only in response to questions.

Funny, I can see and understand some of his behavior. I explained to a friend that it was like I had married Benjamin Button. He was a man amongst boys when I met and married him; in attitude and maturity, demeanor and poise. So strong and self assured. I felt safe and protected by him. I trusted his judgement and decisions. I was happy to follow him anywhere, and enjoyed that he asked me my opinions and listened to me. We were good partners. But in his 40's he became a boy. He became more and more impulsive. He second guessed himself or put off making decisions until forced to. He drank more, slept more and wanted to be the party host or life of the party. Money became more of a focus...not saving it, but making more to spend on big stuff (and "playa-playa" clothes- his words). He went from man to teenager to the scared, unsure and angry boy. I feel sorry for him right now. Who wants to be him?

Funny, today would have been our 27th anniversary. I'm ok today. Its also my dog's b-day...she's 5! I shared a picture on FB that was taken at her doggy daycare. They dressed her up with a silly green hat and green boa (they always dress up the birthday pups). She looked ridiculous, but happy. She's a chocolate lab....she's always happy. It got a lot of response from my friends.

Then I got a message from someone who just said she was thinking of me a lot today and hoped I'd had a good one. She used to work with XH and knew what today used to mean to us. It was just out of the blue; not someone I talk with much. I guess people are still amazed. I actually almost forgot about it. How very weird things have gotten.