Infidelity/WAH, my story pt 9

[PsySara]

Oh my friends, thank you so much for your wise words and guidance. I still find myself building resentment about the feeling of rug sweeping going on. We went out of town last weekend, just the two of us, and spent most of the days touring the area and soaking in the atmosphere. We talked about shallow things, weather, work, news, etc., We ML twice and there was a...distance? between us. I am not feeling connected to WH. I feel like he is physically present but his mind is elsewhere. I fantasize about telling him I think I can't do this anymore and he frantically doing everything and anything to win me back. But the passion isn't there, it hasn't been since before the affair. It hasn't been there since shortly after we married. He started residency so soon after our wedding that it really affected our quality/bonding time.

I am happy at work, with my children, doing my GAL activities. But I am not happy with my marriage. I feel like we're just going through the motions and both desperately avoiding conflict so we can simply raise our children in a warm, kind household. I wish he had the balls to disagree without arguing. I wish he would be willing to jump off a mental cliff to fight for me. But he doesn't. He buys me jewelry, go shopping, plays outdoor sports, bowling and stuff. But there is no...connection. I really miss feeling important and loved by him. After the affair he decided he was never really in love with me because this affair showed him what "true love" was. Forget trying to argue limerence with him, he doesn't believe in it.

I keep reminding myself that this is a long game, that the dysfunction of our marriage took years to form and will take years to change. But I just don't see any desire for him to look within and take ownership of his screw ups. I'll keep my lips zipped but man is it hard! I sleep well with the ADs and my days are full of happiness. Is it selfish to want more from my M?