Like I said. this last week-end brought me right back to the first 2 years after bomb. This time, it did not take me long to bounce back and I will share with you my epiphany which I carry with me always, in difficult situation. TAKE CARE OF YOU FIRST!

way back, I got so low that I was not even able to get upstairs (8, flat, 5 stairs) without sitting to regain strength. I was up and down. I was empty and hollow. I went longgggg period of time without any food.
One day, I realised that something had to happen or change otherwise, this was going be my life. I SURE DID NOT WANT THIS TO BE MY LIFE. In my opinion, I was into a hospitalisation state but because of my 4 children, I hung on.
My very first thing that I address was my physical strenght. I needed to eat and sleep. I started with instant breakfast shake because, believe or not, I could not swallow anything other than liquid without choking or gagging. I started using sleep aid to regain rest and concentration. Sleep is the best mind healer in my book. without it, you cannot make solid, concrete decisions.

Next was my mental health.. counselling and anxiety meds when needed (when contact was to occur with ex).

Now, I was ready to set the boundaries. No more abuse. (Scary moment).. More counselling and an emergency plan of action in place. NEVER be alone with ex. Interaction outside where neighbours watch.(THIS WORKS and neighbours do watch and will call the police if they feel you are in danger).

I followed his wishes and filed for divorce. once I did, he could not believe I could do this to him.. ????? More anger, more abuse, all over the place for the both of us..

I saw myself turning into him, abusing him verbally. Another crash for me. I was ashamed of myself. I had to work on myself, change my behavior towards him or have no contact. Well, No contact was a better solution. It gave me peace. (I was scared again because I had no clue of his state or mood). I became hyper vigilant. Still am to this day.

As the years past, things kept getting better, NOT perfect but liveable.

My reaction to last week-end surprised me. Was I expecting kindness out of him? What on earth happen for me to take the bite? Like Job said: " What was I hoping to accomplish by defending myself?" And why does it matter??

I don' t think I have to write it but: NO CONTACT in place for me... it is the safest way to go.. emotionally, mentally and physically cause he drained me..