Ju, my dear....we've been keeping up with each other quite a while now, and I have to say I feel like a big sister to you and a couple others. I'm so proud of how far you've come, I've seen the growth in the past couple of months. You are getting to the place where your life is just going to take off with amazing. :)You are doing great.
Vanilla... I think you're right. Maybe some denial going on with me as opposed to acceptance. I am fantasizing about piecing,when its not even an option and quite clearly something husband does not want. I can't face dealing with the attorneys or process either. I just want to escape that portion of my life and not deal. And I just cycle right back to intense anger.
And here's the crazy thing. Why am I even fantasizing about piecing when it's not even something I necessarily want. I have no respect or attraction or positive feelings for my ex. I do love him, but I don't know if I could accept that he was capable of leaving. I never could which is why I was so unsuccessful about DBing.
Heres something I have been thinking about, although perhaps a better question for those in newcomers.
Let's say something spectacular was to happen in your life. Like you won a huge amount in the lottery, or you became a national hero, or gained much respect by discovering the cure for cancer. Or you found this treatment that made you look 50x younger, thinner, and more beautiful. And then your ex wanted to come back. Would you take them back?
how is this different then your spouse returning through you DBing and working on yourself?
And here's the crazy thing. Why am I even fantasizing about piecing when it's not even something I necessarily want. I have no respect or attraction or positive feelings for my ex. I do love him, but I don't know if I could accept that he was capable of leaving. I never could which is why I was so unsuccessful about DBing.
Do you love him JujuB?
I struggled with this one for the first year after BD. I couldn't believe that I could love Mr Ex the way I did and still not be with him. I grieved that love, I felt the loss of him in every way possible, with every bit of me.
At some point though I started questioning what love is within a relationship. I was loved by him and I loved him. But to a degree I think that with love comes this sense we get for ourselves of being tied and connected to another. I realized that for me, somewhere the sense of security I got from being with someone, "in a relationship", in a "partnership" was much more personally satisfying than the alleged love that occured in it.
I think prior to Mr Ex bomb dropping me, I had lost all respect for him as a loving partner. He was self absorbed, needed adulation and lacked any ability to be empathetic. I think I fell out of real love for him when I realized these things about him. I believe my disappointment in him manifested in a deep depression. I tried to convince myself this man was worth loving. The brain really does struggle when the heart is telling you something else.
I feel that in the end though I was more in love with being a couple, more in love with the idea of sharing my life with someone and I wasn't going to give that up at any cost. I stayed too long because I had invested in him, in us and forever.
I am not really sure what I am trying to say, but I think JujuB maybe somewhere in all of this your sense of grief and loss is more for the marriage and relationship you committed to than the man you were married to. You're angry at the man who stole your marriage. The thing you did love and value. Your not falling out of love with him, but with this marriage that had brought you a sense of connection and family, of belonging and stability.
It is no easy thing JujuB to fall out of love with something that you invested your whole being in. And investing in and loving marriage is a worthy and wonderful thing. Don't minimise that. Be patient with yourself while you do so. There is no rush to fall out of love with it.
Being at stage in my new relationship where discussions of marriage are on the table, I am finding that I am beginning to know that marraige will only enhance what I have with the man I love. For so many years I was desparate to be married, desperate to be loved in such a way that someone would want me to be their forever person. I am sure it was desperation that ensured that marriage was not on the table. I don't feel that desperation anymore. There really is enough committment and love within our everyday relationship to sustain us into forever. That doesn't mean either of us aren't seeking the connection and security and trust that marriage will bring.
I am sorry I got a little side tracked with my own process. I really do wish I could, that the board could lighten this load you are carrying. I wish that you could put down all the questions and ruminating thoughts. I know for myself when I stopped needing to know the answers about Mr Ex and about the relationship and why it didn't last or work. I really began to heal. Trying to understand any of it is a wasted exercise.
JujuB, you may not have DB'd your marriage back, but you do have the opportunity to DB yourself back into your own life and your relationship with yourself. Start doing that and the healing begins and life gets so much easier.
Always here for you my friend. I'm never far away.
Thank you Sunny! I hope so. I usually feel better when the weather gets better. I'm not really sure how much growth I've actually done though. I was different in that rebound relationship I was in. I did not communicate my needs. I did not complain. Because that is what I did with ex. I just kind of failed to attach. It could also be because that relationship was just totally wrong for me too though, and I knew that deep down.
So really, maybe its just that each partnership has its own unique set of dynamics at play. Almost like a new job we have to learn how to navigate through. Sure, there are some of our own personal issues that we might have to change or we will be terminated, like showing up late, or arguing with your boss. But then sometimes people just get laid off for reasons that are unfair and out of their control, like they earn too much, ageism, company needs to increased their stock values etc.
My first job out of school sucked. I was underpaid and insecure and did not work well in the small, privately owned setting I was in. My boss was a mentor for me though while I was in school and I felt a loyalty to him so it was hard for me to leave, even though there was not much there for me. I left and took a new job without really researching or thinking it through.(side not, my ex was so supportive of me during this transition time ) It was awful and much worse then the job I had initially left. After a month I found the job I am currently in and I love it. It was just a really good fit. I have been there a long time and I really enjoy going to work. I deal with the few things that I might not love because the rest is really good. I generally feel valued and appreciated.
This is a really good question Jelly. And I think some of the hardships you describe with MR. Ex, would fit me too. But I am sure that I too was self absorbed, lacked empathy, was needy, and lazy. I was in my early 20s when I met my husband! We were both extremely flawed and selfish. And if i could look back on some of my behaviors on a video, I would be very embarrassed.
I have been thinking about your question, and the truth is actually opposite of what you said...
I love my husband, just not our marriage. For some reason, our personalities did not allow for us to work well as a team. I don't really understand why. We never had a real marriage for me to mourn.
We recently had this really nasty sleety rain day. School and jobs were cancelled. I was worried about keeping son occupied all day long. There was a part of me that thought, how nice it would have been to have a snowed in day with my husband there. We could all cook together, do puzzles together, watch a movie. But that had never actually happened in the past. What would have happened is I would have been up early with son. Husband would have slept till 2 and then would have went out somewhere regardless of how bad the weather was. I would have argued with him to watch son for a bit, so i could take a nap. Maybe we would have spent 30 minutes outside in snow together if weather allowed.
Our marriage was not the marriage I wanted. But because I loved my husband, I could never walk away. He was family to me. He had a lot of flaws, but I loved him like I would a family member. I was often frustrated by him and his behaviors and we were always bickering. Similar to the dynamic I have with my son and with my mother.
I think it comes down to the fact that its just a lot of work to live and share a life with any one. And neither me or my husband had the tools or know how or perhaps willingness to make it work at the time. Or perhaps it was just 2 personalities that just did not mesh well.
You're right though in that I keep ruminating about finding answers and that by doing so, it might be keeping me in a downward cycle. Its hard for me to let go.
Given that you still love your ex and still have regard for your marriage, is Standing an option? Is continuing to DB an option for you? Whatever your choices to stand or walkway, letting go is imperative. Detaching is essential.
Just an observation JujuB, you appear to battle and fight most things in life? What do you think? If this is true, how well does it serve you?
Jelly B what a great post. You have put into words what I felt. Like you said I think we are grieving a marriage and an investment not necessarily a man.
There are rose coloured glasses in this, those are wishful forward thinking rose coloured binoculars.
I am minded of the Serenity prayer, you can never undo a single thing you did, never unsay a single thing you said. It's done and can't be undone. Yesterday is done and tomorrow is not yet, all you have is today.
Your H wasn't a H. You can't change that, or by anything you can do, say or change in you. He slept in, he wasn't prince charming, a sharer, he lied about many things, he used smoke and mirrors. You have a challenging and charming child and he didn't play his full role. You love H and being with him means accepting him sleeping in, being other than a prince charming, not sharing, lying plus smoke and mirrors. Means illusion not reality.
You can't love him into something he doesn't want to be or have the need to be. You can't love his faults out of him. You can't love him to a magic future. This has to be let go and in this forgive yourself.
It's ok to love H, just love you more.
And it's ok to stand too, as long as you want.
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
Honestly, it would never happen. I think in order for any type of reconciliation to occur the WS has to be extremely remorseful. And even then, it's tough. My ex has a lot of pride. He barely ever apologized throughout our relationship. He would never be capable of pursuing me. And at this point, I will never pursue someone ever again. I was the pursuer for a long time and he responded with a lot of cruelty. I feel humiliated and ashamed. Because quite frankly he was not worth that.
I am hesitant about forgiveness of many of these waywards. I don't want to find myself in the same situation 5 years down the line. My ex didn't just screw me over, he screwed over my parents. He was able to evade responsibility by exploiting them. He does that to his mother too. In fact if it wasn't for my parents, I would have honestly lost my job for all the days I needed off for my son. I live in a really expensive area. I would not have legally been able to move my son far away from dad, but I would not have been able to afford the area. I don't know where I would have lived.
One thing that really bothers me about my ex and is something that I can't let go of, is how he did not act in son's best interest....
Before he left he was preparing. He took me off of his health insurance and he was really pressuring me to go back to work full time. Son was only in preschool for about 2 hours a day. He was receiving special services in that school. Son has and had a lot of behavioral issues to the point that I am positive another care taker would have a hard time coping with. Now husband wanted me back full time for obvious legal reasons, but it would have truly been at the expense of son. (It would have required full time care from a baby sitter we did not know instead of mom and logistically would not have saved anything in terms of costs)
That's something I can't get past. He would have exposed son to risk of unknown care taker to put himself in more of a financial advantage.
I am not exaggerating the difficulties with my son. I can honestly say that if he was born to other parents with less patience or knowledge I think that there is a good chance he would have been brought up harshly..
) It was awful and much worse then the job I had initially left. After a month I found the job I am currently in and I love it. It was just a really good fit. I have been there a long time and I really enjoy going to work. I deal with the few things that I might not love because the rest is really good. I generally feel valued and appreciated.