So my wife and I are going on a date tomorrow night. I have reservations at a nice place but I'm worried about what to do after. I have no ideas. I don't even feel good about this. I hate the way I feel around her - rejected. I don't have any game with her - you know? Looking for ideas and general advice.
Nothing. Why does it have to be more than dinner? KISS theory!
M-32 W-32 (both military) T-8 M-6 PA Oct/Nov 16 (happened twice) Discovered PA 11/30/16 S 12/1/16 MC 12/1/16 - 1/18/17 BD 1/18/17 A continues? 1/24/17 texts resume with W & OM W Filed 3/8/17 W Deploys 7/17
Without knowing your situation, it's hard to answer. Did she have an A, or did you? Is the A over or not? These play into how I would answer, but I'll give it a shot..
If she's never been, take her to a gun range, it's a great adrenaline rush, especially if she's never done it.
Bowling, it's a way to focus on each other during their turn, and either laugh at how bad that shot was, or high five for the good ones.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
The dinner alone should be okay. You can't overwhelm her if you've been apart for a length of time. One other thing to add, do not expect miracles and one date will not bring her back to you. I had a "date" with my W in October. It went very well but the very next day we had the worst day since our BD date. We haven't had another social meeting since even though there is an open lunch/dinner invitation. I asked her to go to lunch or dinner 6 weeks ago. I've only brought it up once since then but she says she has been so busy. She is busy, but never too busy to see her friends frequently. I don't mention how she has time for her friends (that would be beyond stupid to say) and I continue to move on.
M 55 W 52 MR 32 T 34+ D29 BD May 8, 2016 - She moved out ILYBNILWY May 15 (Through email) No EA/PA August 23 - DB used against me in every way Divorce July 18, 2017 - Life is getting better every day
You are newly recovering addict in 12 steps as I understand it. I read porn and 27 days. Porn undermines sexualily and confidence of women like few other addictions. If you have been deep in porn for years ( and I am assuming nothing that would get you arrested, animals kids etc), then your W may feel she doesn't measure up. And she may not trust your limits on it.
That's new to recovery. It's great you are in recovery. Encourage your W to attend any open sessions your 12 step group has in due course.
Really nothing in terms of time. My ex is a compulsive gambler and claimed to be in recovery. There is a temptation for the addict to think that they have stopped line in the sand and it's over. Theirs is the only struggle. Well it isn't. At the point the addict starts to recover, often the loved one starts to fall apart.
Your W might not have started her codependent or loved one journey yet. It is hers.
It's very early days.
You say your W might have an EA or had one.
Your aim here should be a friendly date to let her know she can go at her pace. There is much atoning to do (step 9) before any sort of breakfast. No matter how fast you want recovery, she has her pace.
So nice dinner and keep it light. You go to 12 steps and you intend to keep going. It's enough.
No in depth convo, no heavy alcohol, but great desserts. Behave like a gent, dress the part, smell the part. Leave her wanting another date. Don't go over board on the love bombing. Light bright and breezy.
It's enough.
That's my thinking
V
Freedom is just another word for nothing left to loose. V 64, WAW
I sure appreciate the feedback. The first date went ok. She wants to go out with me again. I'm working on it, need to do more planning, etc next time. I really did use the feedback here I wanted to write that but I don't have a lot of time right now.
I kept it simple per your advice, thanks 180man.
I like the idea of the gun range, I plan to do that on one of these Coconut, thank you. She did have an EA, yes it's over. I didn't. Bowling is a good idea too but I'll beat her and refuse to let her win and she's very competitive, so IDK.
RDS, you're right and this was/is definitely true. I'm sorry to hear you had a bad day, let's try to string together as many good days as we can. I know in my situation, I provide anywhere from half to all (usually all) of the reasons we have a bad day - that's something I can work with.
Good advice Vanilla. You're right there is much atoning. I like the idea of calling this early days, even though it's been 21 months. I have to put the 21 months behind me and start from here - early days of something new.
Know what's fun and no pressure? Make it a "triathlon" type, as in pick three competitive activities (ex mini golf, pool, etc)...and say the winner of 2/3 buys dinner or whatever. The goal is to have fun with no pressure...
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
