Wife with Neighbor Across the Street

[sellout]

No reason for a legal divorce but why wait is my thought process? If not now, when? Everyday she continues the affair and "me allowing it to happen" makes me weaker. Doesn't it make me strong to file for divorce and show that I will not tolerate this? I understand detaching is in theory to show this but doesn't a divorce speak louder?

[LH19]

Detachment:

Today I will commit myself to detachment. I will allow myself and those around me the freedom to be as they are. I will not rigidly impose my idea of how things should be. I will not force solutions on problems, thereby creating new problems. I will participate in everything with detached involvement.

Today I will factor in uncertainty as an essential ingredient of my experience. In my willingness to accept uncertainty, solutions will spontaneously emerge out of the problem, out of the confusion, disorder, and chaos. The more uncertain things seem to be, the more secure I will feel, because uncertainty is my path to freedom. Through the wisdom of uncertainty, I will find my security.

I will step into the field of all possibilities and anticipate the excitement that can occur when I remain open to infinity of choices. When I step into the field of all possibilities, I will experience all the fun, adventure, magic, and mystery of life.

[sellout]

Just a quick update after our 5 hour date last night. I have detached...not initiated anything. She texted asking what time i can pick up our son and I responded with a time only. No asking about how her day was, etc... Day 1 almost in the books.

[LITB]

First, detachment is going to take longer than 3 weeks. You still have work to do to wrap her head around what it mean.

Second, you are using filing for D to snap her out of her funk. It could possibly have an affect on her. Even if it is manipulation that might backfire.

Third, if she decides to work on your M/R, it will need to be taken slowly. Neither of you have the tools to get over this yet.

[LH19]

I think you are confusing "pursuing and "detaching".

[LITB]

First, detachment is going to take longer than 3 weeks. You still have work to do to wrap your head around what it mean.

Correction in bold.

[Vanilla]

There is detachment and rejection.

Detachment is misunderstood, it means letting go of the outcome.

It does not mean rejection, dismissal or ignoring.

None of those things is appropriate.

Neither is persuing or being plan B.

I get that LRT is likely inappropriate in your sitch as is being unfriendly.

However if you keep on as you are, that's not attractive. Your WW needs to know you are not plan B.

You do this by your actions as much as anything.

Detach.

V

[Coconut]

No reason for a legal divorce but why wait is my thought process? If not now, when? Everyday she continues the affair and "me allowing it to happen" makes me weaker. Doesn't it make me strong to file for divorce and show that I will not tolerate this? I understand detaching is in theory to show this but doesn't a divorce speak louder?

Do you want to be divorced from her???

If not, then aren't you, and your feelings a pretty dam good reason to wait? It doesn't make you strong to get divorced, divorce is easy, it's just paperwork..

Now let me ask you, why do you think getting divorced right now is good?

What if.... I semi-detach and see what happens in the next 2.5 weeks and then if that doesn't work, then detach?

sellout,

I'm sorry to be the one to deliver the news, but semi-detaching requires at least three weeks.

Three weeks but only if your fully focused on not completely detaching... If your only partially focused on whether or not to be detached, then it could take much longer and it is very hard to track what percent detached you actually are... it's all very confusing.

[Coconut]

It just feels so wrong to "turn my back on her" when she has been there for me in my lowest times over 16 years.

Tell me when your lowest time in 16 years is/was.. I know the answer, and it's not turning your back on anyone or anything... It's about being able to see what's going on and realizing the only thing you can control is the actions that you do, or don't, make.

Detachment is about your emotions NOT being dictated by any action she takes. If your watching a water polo game with two teams you've never heard of (I'm assuming you don't watch water polo), is there any play or foul that anyone on either team could make that would make you react with a negative or positive reaction.

No play matters, because your detached from them, the actions they take Will Not affect your emotions.

That is detachment. You wouldn't be overly nice, mean, or anything else but yourself if you met that team, that is being detached, as if.

[Vanilla]

I like that metaphor Coconut.

For me it's fine if x, ok if y, and likely to be Z!

So fine if she comes back, ok if she doesn't, and perhaps there will be no movement either way.

Perhaps

Ok if we D, fine if we piece, most likely limbo for a while which is sensible.

V