Sandi2, well she says she was wrong for having an affair but then she says we were broken. She says she should have broken things off before. She justifies her behavior by saying that it was inevitable so its ok.
I wanted to blame my H for my affair, too. One of the things that will need to be understood on both sides is that you both may be responsible for the breakdown in the MR..........but she, only, is responsible for her A. Nobody makes another person have an affair. It is too easy to place blame on the other person for our actions.
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Right now I sleep in our bed 3-4 days a week every other week. Now I just need to figure out how to strategize popping up in the bed on her nights..... avoid conflict and keep cool..
Yes, stay cool, but don't try to sneak back into her bed, please! That is so passive, and a turnoff. There are certain issues you need to stand up and tell her what you will be doing. She may not like what you have to say, but she will respect your bold decisiveness. Put that on the top of your list of changes. Do not try to tackle it right now, b/c you aren't ready, and you're still wanting to avoid conflict........which becomes a lifetime behavior pattern for a passive nice-guy type of man.
Doodler actually gave good advice. Don't make it appear like an accident that you just happen to have the nights mixed up. However, when the time is right for you to reclaim your bed, you can give your W the option of sleeping in the same bed or elsewhere......but that YOU will be sleeping in the marital bedroom. Does that make sense, or sound contradictive?
I hope you will understand that addressing certain issues do not necessarily deem conflict. If she is used to having her way all the time, then she probably will react in a negative way......but you don't try to "control" her reaction. That is one of the problems that come to conflict avoiders. You want to prevent a bad reaction from your W, and spend your life walking on eggshells to keep her in a tolerable mood. Big mistake!
Choose your battles wisely, and don't face the enemy in a crouched position. Stand tall, confident, and prepared to die on the hill for your standards/beliefs.
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
