Lost all hope

[pg1966]

My husband of 25 years asked me for divorce in January.
I was totally shocked.
I knew we grew apart to some degree due to owning a business, having a child, health issues etc.
But, our friends and family would always tell us that we had a great relationship and in fact my friend recently told me "I always wanted to have what you two had in your marriage".
I've read through all the LR technique materials and had a couple of DB phone consultations.
But, honestly, I have no energy to follow the guidelines.
I've been depressed, started taking SSRIs but then stopped after reading all the horrible withdrawal symptoms and that the depression comes back anyway after you stop them.
I don't think this is for me.
I've also thought about suicide.
I just feel like the burden is just way too much for me to handle.

I love my husband so much and cannot imagine life without him.
Our current situation is that my husband insists that he made up his mind, he wants a divorce and he wants to be all by himself.
After being pressured by a few people, he agreed to "keep an open mind" and agreed to counseling.
We are both seeing a psychologist with 30 years of experience who is pro-marriage.
However, we're seeing her individually since she said that right now my husband is convinced he wants out so doing any kind of couple/marriage therapy would only make things worse.
She believes (and I agree with her) that he needs to work on himself first and we just need to hope that by working on himself at some point he might change his mind and work on the relationship.
I'm just so angry that he told me he would "keep an open mind" but really all he's doing when he sees a therapist is to insist that he wants out.
The living arrangement: he stays one week at our house and one outside with a family member.
When he is at home, he is very friendly, still doing everything to take care of me and my daughter such as shopping, cooking for us etc.
He allows me to give him hugs and hold his hand.
However, he makes sure he does not reciprocate too much since he says he doesn't want to give me false hope.
There are days when we both behave happy, we have dinner together, watch a movie etc, just like in the old days.
Honestly, I'm tired of people telling to me be strong, get a life etc. I wake up in the morning and I feel like throwing up.
I feel completely empty.
I don't want to live without my husband.
And also, I feel really sick thinking about all the things I've done in the past that my husband said make him feel rejected and inadequate.
I didn't do anything intentionally and I hardly ever had any feedback from him that things were bad so I never had a chance to change these things but the thought that I managed to make the person I love the most feel so bad makes me feel like such a horrible person.
The DB techniques sound good but I'm not sure they are for me.
They say to do the exact things that my husband wants me to do.
He said he wants me to go back to work, hang out with friends, pursue my hobbies etc.
I think if I did that, it would make him feel better in terms of not feeling guilty for divorcing me but I don't think this behavior would change his mind in any way.


Me: 50
H: 48
M: 25 years
Kids; 1 child (teenager)
Asked for divorce: Jan 2017