Working hard (I'm self employed, so *not* working hard is never an option). I had a good interview for a two week position, but didn't get it. I'm OK with that, there will be other things I can apply for.
I'm still sorting my house. I took a six month break from it as work was really intense for a while and I didn't have much time left after working 60-70 hour weeks.
I'm back to sorting now. What started as a process of returning WH's things to him (via his mum and sister) morphed into a process of also going through my things and deciding what to donate to charity. It's mostly been clothes so far. I have far too many clothes and really don't need as many. I feel like I could probably go through everything again once I've finished and give away more, but I'll continue what I'm doing for now. I've been reading Marie Kondo's 'Spark Joy' as part of the process and loving it.
How do I feel? Mostly pretty good. The 2 stone (28 pounds) I Iost in the first two months has stayed off. I'm careful-ish what I eat, I pretty much try to eat very, very healthy.
My sleep is really good. For someone who had chronic insomnia for years and years beforehand and was only managing 4 hours sleep a night, I can now occasionally sleep for 6 or 7 hours uninterrupted, which is amazing progress. I realise that part of the cause of my insomnia was not knowing where my H (and then WH) was when I went to bed at night, or where he was when I would wake up during the night, or not knowing if he would even have sent me a text message to let me know where he was.
The last communication I had from him? It was on the 4 November. I change the content (and tone) of what I had written in reply to one he had sent, and I cracked a bit of a light hearted joke in reply...just a one liner. One of my best friends said to me that she didn't think he knew how to deal with it. Who knows. Anyway, OW is expecting and is due very soon, so he'll be all taken up with that.
Last time I checked he's still paying the mortgage. and his last communication was asking how much was left of the mortgage. I'm wondering if he's thinking of just carrying on with the payments until he's paid it off, perhaps out of guilt, thinking that maybe this will free him of the guilt of what he's done? I've no idea. I'm not initiating contact, or that conversation. It's up to him, he's created this situation, so he can bear the burden of initiating contact about it and bringing it up. I'm just carrying on as I have been the past year and a half.
I'm starting to realise that this process that I've been going through isn't going to be one that ever stops. I'm not going to suddenly 'come out the other side of it', and return to a previous life. This had changed me and my life in a very fundamental way, and for ever, and it's going to keep affecting me and my life probably for as long as I live.
I think I hate WH for having put me on this road, but I love and embrace the person that it's turning me into. Deep sorrow and compassion. Ambivalent feelings, for sure.
