I thought our marriage was fine, and I have to wonder how harmful it was, because I did it throughout our relationship, from day one, and she stayed with me The fact that she stayed does not mean it didn't bother her. She may have worked hard to lessen the impact it had on her heart and ego, telling herself that a lot of men do it, or she may have seethed with resentment. She may have thought it would eventually not matter as much. But it did matter to her. I don't think she's lying at all.
If nothing else, you must learn this: Just b/c a spouse puts up with something for X amount of time, you cannot count on her staying forever...
You originally mentioned that you struggle with depression and anxiety and that it preceded present day problems in the m. So even when you feel the marriage was happy, you were depressed and had anxiety problems and that you preferred staying home and doing computer programs, over going out or socializing.
Are you getting treated for this? Do you want to? I recall your concerns about your TS clearance. But can you see how that view might be a tad harmful to yourself, and any future relationship b/c you are not addressing some core issues? Plus, who wants to live mostly depressed? What job and security clearance is worth that?
And for the record, I have seen high level professionals in the federal gov get treatment and not have it affect their career paths. I concede it could, but to my knowledge it has only happened rarely and with hospitalizations involved.
for ten years, and she knew about me looking at it very early on. I was honest with her about everything. I wouldn't chance it now. It could have been why I was losing appreciation for my wife and it certainly affected my desire to want to have sex more often. And it very likely made her feel less desired by me. Okay so, ^^ you just proved the harm. Why argue the point any further?
It obviously did hurt your m. I mean, you deny it and then undermine your denial.
Her happiness was my goal. I thought she was happy. It's hard to be motivated to make someone happier when you think they are happy. I am well aware of the things I did wrong in the marriage, and everyone else here can tell you how much time I've spent blaming myself, as can my family.
I've read your thread, so that is all I know.
What I get here are a lot of reasons why you cannot change. Factors that make it uniquely hard for you. (it's not "easy" for any of us to change, especially when we are so hurt, trust me).
I also see Promises that you "would change --- IF IF IF" she returned.
Many questions about ways to maximize the chances of reconciliation... And now, blaming her for the situation b/c hey, she had an affair, as if there were no other issues. I'm not defending her affair, but I am not buying your powerless routine, either.
She gave you feedback about why she was unhappy, and all I read from you is why the feedback isn't valid. But your own words prove that a lot of what she said, was valid.
In another post you said you were willing to try something out to combat your overall fears of things in life, but you said then if she came back, you'd stop it.
That is pure tactical planning to obtain your goal, it's not authentic self improvement.
What are you doing to lower your fears and social anxieties? Do you see the cost of those unresolved problems, in and outside your M?
IF you want to show your w real change, then make some, and they will show.
They don't have to be grand gestures, like learning to fly or skydive, to prove you are fighting your fears. Small changes over time, can make a very different trajectory in your life. Small consistent changes + time = change she can believe in.
More importantly, those changes will reflect your growth.
Let's remember what my wife has done, which would seem to me to be waaaay worse than anything I've done. Your wife is not here trying to save the m. You are.
We cannot do anything to help her.
If your focus is on what your w has done wrong, then you should get the scorecard out. Give yourself points for not cheating or beating. There. You win. Except she has her own scorecard. And on hers, you are not the winner. On HER scorecard, she has many many grievances and points, and you have many demerits...that is why I think scorecards are so destructive.
We don't use the same measurement tool and some of us have scorecards that go way farther back than our partner's.
I'm not arguing about what strategy you should employ now to save your m.
I'm not even sure that is the best course of action for you, at this point. I don't think you are ready to reconcile and have a different kind of m, even if she was.
But I do know that blaming her and deflecting from your own path, is the recipe for staying stuck and learning nothing.
For all the pain this ordeal causes, you should get your money's worth in personal growth. Because in reality - that growth is the best "strategy" for you no matter what happens.
I have spent an inordinate amount of time reading my wife's letters outlining her complaints, reading books/websites/etc. about relationships and the differences between men and woman. Reading is great if it leads to a behavioral change. Can you list 2 specifics?
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
