So Confused and Conflicted (5)

[WshIKnw]

she complained about me looking at porn, which I did do some of, but in the past she always would just say "well, I know that all guys do it..."

to me, that ^^ is her talking herself out of making it an issue - b/c you didn't want to stop. You didn't tell us what you said to her, or your reasons for the porn.

Am I to just know that my wife doesn't like something, if she acts like it's not a big deal every time it comes up? At least I was honest and told her that I did look at it. Look, I know now that it was bad most likely, and I would err on the side of caution and not view it while in a relationship. It probably greatly affected my ability to appreciate her, and affected my libido. She wanted sex a little bit more often than I did. I didn't know whether a man looking at porn a little bit while in a marriage or relationship was a harmful thing or not. I could even see it being helpful. You know? Do men have a need to have multiple partners? I don't know. Monogamy seems to be a societal construct that isn't natural. Maybe men need it, biologically. Porn allows them to kind of feel like they have it. It's just a maybe. I didn't know, and still don't. I told my wife the same thing. She didn't seem to have an opinion. It was only later, when she was going all out negative towards me, post-BD, that she decided it was a terrible thing. Well, she probably cheated on me physically, and that's probably why all of a sudden me looking at porn was a huge deal that she brought up several times. She was probably recording me, too, which might be why she would bring it up so much, especially when on the phone. (I know that my co-worker's wife with the same lawyer tried to record him all the time.) It wasn't that I didn't want to stop. I was never asked to stop, or even suggested that I should stop. I was only asked to keep it minimal enough that it didn't affect my libido to the point that we couldn't have sex successfully. And she was mostly happy with our sex life. Told me I was very good in bed. My reasons for looking were because I thought it was no harm, as long as it stayed in moderation. I thought our marriage was fine, and I have to wonder how harmful it was, because I did it throughout our relationship, from day one, and she stayed with me for ten years, and she knew about me looking at it very early on. I was honest with her about everything. I wouldn't chance it now. It could have been why I was losing appreciation for my wife and it certainly affected my desire to want to have sex more often. And it very likely made her feel less desired by me.

Her happiness was my goal. I thought she was happy. It's hard to be motivated to make someone happier when you think they are happy. I am well aware of the things I did wrong in the marriage, and everyone else here can tell you how much time I've spent blaming myself, as can my family. Let's remember what my wife has done, which would seem to me to be waaaay worse than anything I've done. I have spent an inordinate amount of time reading my wife's letters outlining her complaints, reading books/websites/etc. about relationships and the differences between men and woman. That is something that I will continue to study, but I have learned a ton of things about. But right now, my issues are about improving myself. I'm not doing a very good job of that. I'm doing a terrible job of being positive and hopeful, especially in the morning.

I addressed the rest of your post in a more recent post, where I talk about what I've been doing. It's right here: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2734133#Post2734133

You said some more things about stuff that I did in the relationship that were wrong. I know. It's terrible. I have learned, and am continuing to.

We want to feel protected and loved by our spouses. In one survey wives stated that "security" is the number one priority they have for their m's.

We want to feel financially and physically secure. That means we need a h who is strong, physically and mentally. This is especially true if we want to bear their children.

Yeah, this scares me because I don't know whether I can ever be that strong for a woman. I thought I had found a woman that was fine with how I was, because she is a strong woman, but maybe once she got to where she was interested in having kids, she changed her mind. Such a shame. Well, I can work out to be stronger. I can try to be stronger mentally, but that's the hard part. I'm reading a book on dealing with fear right now. Is it my fault that she married a wimpy guy, and then decided later on that he wasn't good enough? In her defense, she hadn't yet seen all of my wimpiness, but she had seen most of it.

To me these things to work on are kind of great news b/c the changes she wants in you could be so easily seen. And you want to make them, for you, correct?

I don't think she wants to see jack-squat in me, but maybe she does. She has indicated that she doesn't, but maybe that's kind of to make sure any changes I make are for me. I don't know. There's so much hatred in her towards me. I do want to make changes for me. I don't like the life I was living. I was rotting away on the computer. I put all my energy into one hobby and learning that one skill. I wasn't taking care of my body, which my brain needs, too. I wasn't taking care of my looks, which my wife and my self-esteem needs. I wasn't being more well-rounded, so that I was more interesting socially.

You cannot detach without GAL and you cannot make changes in yourself while you keep looking over your shoulder to check on what she is doing or seeing.

Very true.

Why would her affirming herself, hurt your feelings? DIG DEEPER.

When she was answering my compliments with "I agree", basically, it made me feel like she didn't value my compliments. Is that weird or something?