WW with affair moved out 4+ weeks ago

[15Stang]

Ok all.
I need help with a reality check.
I know there is no hope for my marriage while the affair continues.

It seems from my reading on this site most situations like mine end in divorce without reconciliation.

I would like to reconcile with my W if she was truly broken over what has happened.

But it seems like that usually is not the case. God only knows.

thanks,
e

[Mowgli]

Stanger,

This is why you need to detach from your sitch.

I know it sounds bizarre, but if you can "let go," you have the ability to move in any direction.

I know I'm telling you this fully realizing that you are not ready to detach, but the sooner it happens, the better it is going to be for you.

You have to be able to drop the rope and show her you are ready to move on with your life AND you have to actually start to move on, not for her but for YOU!

Sometimes spouses come back, sometimes they leave, but I can sit here and honestly tell you that the sooner you make this process about you and becoming the person you want to be, the sooner you will find peace within your sitch.

See this as an opportunity to do the things you've always wanted to do. Go buy a new bike and start road tripping again. Find yourself. Set goals for you that you want to achieve.

This is what I will say about hope:

If you truly want to reconcile with your W, by all means leave the door open a crack, but it will do you no good to sit there and stare at the door waiting for it to open.

Understand that there is a very, very real chance that, despite what she led you to believe the last three years, the A never ended. In all honesty, brother, and I know this is a BIG, BIG 2X4 straight to the noggin, I'm going to tell you, with almost 100% certainty, that it didn't.

So here's how things play out now:

1) Your W has been cheating on you with one of your best friends for three years. Now you get to decided if you truly want her, or you just want her now because you aren't together. I want you to really look at the dysfunction that has taken place the last three years and decide if you want that back in your life.

2) WW and best friend AP have been carrying on this secret tryst for three years. They've created this little fantasy world where they will be together and everything will be happily ever after.
I'll tell you this about hope: For as many times as you are saying that these sitches end in D, very, very rarely do WWs and APs end up working out. Chances are he's going to flake once the finality of the sitch gets real for him.

You are in complete control of what happens to you from here on out. Realize this and embrace it.

From my personal experience, I know that once I was ready to leave, things got better for me. I was able to set appropriate boundaries that protected (and still protect me to an extent) my well-being.

My WW ended up coming back, but I know that regardless of the outcome of my M, that I was going to be okay because I took care of myself first.

the 'Stones said it best:

"You can't always get what you want,
but if you try sometimes, you just might find,
you get what you need."

Carry on, brother. Be strong. Be you. Find yourself in this mess and things will work out the way they are supposed to.

[Dawgs]

know there is no hope for my marriage while the affair continues

My question - and its not an ass-type of question - is WHY do you want someone back who so blatantly not only disrespected you and the family, but slept with your friend? That's not an act of love towards you.

It seems from my reading on this site most situations like mine end in divorce without reconciliation.

Unfortunately so.

THis time and place is for you to better yourself. Your wife is on her own path. You need to OWN yours.

[Cadet]

Just keep POSTING and one other bit of advice from Wonka
that I totally agree with.

Get DR/DB book. Keep this to yourself. DO NOT share this book or this site at all with your spouse. It is your playbook and not to be shared with the "opposing" team.

It is important to clear the search/browsing history from your computer on a daily basis to prevent the possibility for your WAS to stumble on the DB site and discover your posts here on DB. Erasing the search history will protect your posts and you as well.

We have seen too many Marriages blow up in pieces after the WAS discovers the DB site or DR book. Why is that? It is because the WAS thinks, erroneously I might add, that you are "manipulating" them back into the M.

Keep the DR book and DB site very close to your vest.

[15Stang]

Mowgli,
Thank you for the insight and the encouragement. I have been choosing to detach for the past 3 days. My feelings haven't caught of with my choice but I know they will. It's hard but I know this is what I need to do.

As for the 2x4.... Yes, you may be correct. While during the past 2 years I thought she was being truthful I now question the whole thing. I believe the affair never stopped in her heart which is why we are where we are. It's also why she struggled to show true empathy and remorse through our recovery. Right now I do not have answers to what did or did not happen. I may never have answers. As for today and my current sitch it really doesn't matter as I cannot go back and change the past.

I will leave the door open a crack. I do understand what you mean about not staring at the crack. This is part of detaching.

I won't be purchasing a bike. We actually bought a brand new 2015 mustang last year. It will be bittersweet enjoying it without her but I'm looking forward to winter being over and enjoying some drives.

Thanks for the encouragement.
e

[15Stang]

My question - and its not an ass-type of question - is WHY do you want someone back who so blatantly not only disrespected you and the family, but slept with your friend? That's not an act of love towards you.

This is a really great question. One that has been bouncing around my head since I read it yesterday. I'll do my best to answer it. If I'm completely off my rocker then please feel free to redirect me.

I need to put this out there. I'm a christian. I love Jesus with all of my heart. He is the foundation of my life. My answers to the above question are based in my faith. I'm not trying to shove my faith on anyone and it is ok if you disagree with me. It is not my intention to offend anyone but my faith is an integral part of my life and the decisions I make.

Why I would NOT take her back: Jeep74, you are correct. What she is doing is not loving and is completely disrespectful. If I do not take her back I know she can never hurt me like this again. There has been so much deceit and lies the past 4-5 years it is actually quite sickening. The person she has become is NOT someone I would ever want to be with. If she never changes then this marriage is over and that would be my choice. There have been issues in our marriage for sure. I have had to overlook how she has treated me even before the affair. I wouldn't have to deal with these issues either if this marriage is never reconciled. It may be that by the time she does finally come around I'm in a new relationship that is more satisfying than our marriage. I'm not sure I'd want to give this up to be with my WW.

Why I want to reconcile- Plain and simple is I love this woman. This love is not a feeling but a deep commitment. I meant it when I said 'death do us part' and for "sickness and in health." Right now she is extremely sick. I believe my wife is a good person and she is making horrible choices that are affecting so many people negatively. If she were to return the fear would be I do not know what woman is returning. Is she the the woman that cheated on me and feels entitled? Or is it a woman who has been broken by her actions and surrendered her life back to Jesus Christ? These 2 questions are paramount for me to take her back. For the most part I found our marriage to be VERY enjoyable in all areas. I actually feel my wife and I are quite compatible. We enjoyed doing life together. We had similar hobbies and would take an interest in each other's hobbies. Our main point of conflict was money as she has an entitlement problem. This comes from our family background. It would be hard for me to give all of this up if the woman that returns is a woman with a broken heart/spirit. My sister did the same thing to her husband that my WW is doing to me. Thank God my sister got out of the fog and repented for her choices. She is a different woman today. A complete 180. You can tell she hurts for her actions and how she treated people. They now have a great marriage with a deep emotional/loving connection. It absolutely sucked that she put her husband through all of this but at the end of it all it made her and her husband have a much more fulfilling marriage. There are many times God uses what we mean for evil to bring about His good. I would hate to give up on my marriage if I have the chance to reconcile with a W who has been broken by her choices because I'm fearful of the "what if." I have no guarantees that in my next relationship my future W wouldn't cheat on me.

Hopefully this makes sense.
e

[15Stang]

I need to add something to my previous post and I don't see an edit option.
Our main point of conflict was money as she has an entitlement problem and I HAVE A CONTROL PROBLEM

[Cadet]

I need to add something to my previous post and I don't see an edit option.
Our main point of conflict was money as she has an entitlement problem and I HAVE A CONTROL PROBLEM

The edit function does not work

[Dawgs]

Plain and simple is I love this woman. This love is not a feeling but a deep commitment. I meant it when I said 'death do us part' and for "sickness and in health."

To you it is, but she no longer feels that way. Can it be regained? Maybe. And that's a big maybe.

Right now she is extremely sick

No, she is not. She wants out. Saying someone is sick is justifying their actions through mental issues. And I should know because I've dealt with more mental issues than most on here due to what my ex went through. However, at the end of the day she is an adult, and well-functioning at that. The decision to leave and the subsequent affair, was a well thought-out one...it wasn't made over night.

If she were to return the fear would be I do not know what woman is returning. Is she the the woman that cheated on me and feels entitled

She is not the woman that you dated and married. She grew. So did you. While your love grew over time, hers didn't - and went in the reverse direction. Sorry, but it is what it is.

I get what you are saying, I really really do. I was there. I thought the same things. But, you are trying to process her line of thought through your own eyes, and it just doesn't work that way.

Can you two reconcile? Sure. But what you have to do is stop worrying about what she is doing or how your actions will affect her or whatever else it is you worry about. What you need to do is take care of yourself. GAL. Do something. Hit the gym - the punching bag works wonders and exercise is the single best - and healthiest - anti-depressant there is. You have this. OWN YOUR ROAD.

[15Stang]

Thanks Jeep 74.
I truly didn't mean to justify her actions by saying she is 'sick'. I understand where you are coming from. Yes, this took planning and has been well thought out. That being said I thought this went against her morals and what she believed as true. This is what I meant by sick. Has she changed her morals and beliefs? I can't answer that question but her actions would say she has. And to your point I guess that really isn't sickness at all. It's her choices and she has the free will to choose whatever she wants.

I appreciate the bluntness. I have been choosing to detach every day. I won't lie... it is hard. But yes, I will be ok. I know that. I don't like my current reality and dealing with the pending divorce. But nothing I can do is going to change the current reality.

Thanks,
e