Loosening My Grip

[skyhigh]

Stay strong, you are starting to understand that his behavior is NOT related to yours, that's great!

He is just trying by engaging in this very twisted/aggressive/crazy behavior to justify his actions toward you. He NEEDS to find a excuse for leaving his wife and his child, so he will pick/fight on everything to make you react/scream/spew, that way he can tell people WHY he left you (my life was terrible, she was ...). He is blaming his unhappiness on you because that's the easiest thing to do, you are the REAL life, and real life comes with obligations. MLCers hate obligations, they want freedom and enjoy life, that's why OW is so attractive, she is in his mind the solution to his problems, but he doesn't realize that's only a fantasy. OW are excellent at stroking their egos and agreeing with everything they say, it's easy to agree on words only but wait for real life...

You need to understand that you did NOTHING to justify such actions. You are a victim.

Stay strong, don't take the bait! His nastiness is not going to go away soon, so try to avoid him as much as you can. He is in full replay, there is nothing you can do to make him change right now, you need to protect yourself and your son.

You talked about your behavior before BD, your behavior changed because HIS behavior changed too, usually they start their gas lighting on us a few months or even years before BD, so their behavior affects our behavior in a very subtile way.

Now for those divorce papers, don't talk to him about it, but just make sure you are ready in case (divorce lawyers, copy of documents...), and what I am going to tell you is somewhat controversial, record your conversations with him without him knowing, it can come very handy in case of custody to show that's he is quite mentally unstable. He might have those papers also just to show OW that he is ready to file but is he really ready? Keep in mind MLCers are liars, they lie to us but also to others.

Take the high road, don't spew, don't nag, don't engage in any controversial conversations. Meanwhile, detach ++++ and install boundaries+++. The more you can delay the filing of the divorce the better for you, one way is not avoid those explosive arguments (it keeps the animosity to a manageable level and also a nuclear argument which can led him to leave the house for good) and by gaining time also it makes OW very nervous, so she can become "annoyed' of the delay, then she might start nagging and not being so perfect.

Your worth is not related to him, keep that in mind. His behavior makes you question yours but keep in mind you are the sane one, so stop blaming yourself for whatever and be strong for you and your son, you are the only sane parent right now.

MLC is a very long journey but you have the choice of YOUR decisions even if you feel overwhelmed by it. That's tough to think in this madness but if you can detach it helps.

Good luck and big HUGS, my heart goes to you!