Maybell 40

[Maybell]

Thank you all for the encouragement. I'm still burning the candle at both ends, but My Guy went away on a trip for a week so I've had time to myself to churn through some of the delayed house stuff, and that has helped my mental space. I miss him a lot, though, so I'm not looking to trade my relationship for an orderly home... I just hope at some point I get to a place where I am not in chaos even when he's around.

I've gotten very Meh about Mr. Fantastic, so I've slightly defrosted my stance towards him, which has had an odd result. It's that when I let him be around, it's like things are normal between us. And also, I find myself nostalgic for the days when there were two of us running the household and how much easier it was in those days. Especially in the last week, when I've had MANY dental appointments, kid events (not just activities), therapy runs, snow days, etc., and I recall how I was able to focus on doing what I did well and he was too.

This afternoon he came to pick up S11 for dinner. S11 and I were doing a little post-dentist science experiment with baking soda and citric acid and I let S11 invite his dad in to show him. It was a little family moment like we used to have, mellow and cheerful. I didn't mind him being in my house. He said it'd make a good volcano and I said that was what we'd done for D13's 1st grade science fair project. He said, "Oh." He didn't know, because he'd been in India that month. He missed a lot. And I felt kind of badly for him -- here I get to enjoy these wonderful moments with my kids, and say yes to things (even if I do have to also say no to lots of things) and he didn't even know how pleasant this could be.

We never fought. Even when he was hot and heavy with his affair, we typically had a show we watched together, drank a glass of wine together and chatted while I made dinner, and had a nice dinner together. We planned our move east together in a romantic golf cart ride around his parents' neighborhood. (Long story). I've spent a lot of time in the last three years concentrating on how he done me wrong, but the other part of the truth is that we got along together very well. We understood each other. He just didn't want to engage as deeply as I did, I guess, and he didn't want the responsibility of the family. I guess.

He was a horrendous husband. But he was a good buddy. I'm feeling sad that part is lost, because I can't ever let my guard down this much again or it will feel weird that we aren't a family. He chose to be in India the month S13 turned 7. He missed many of her birthdays, honestly, and lots of other things too. He kicked off his affair on S9's 5th birthday, while he was on the east coast and I was wrapping up our move on the west coast. He chose that. But even now, if I let it be, things between us could be so easy that it would be an easy slippery slope back into normal. And that can not be, after how hard I fought through the last three years. And am still fighting.

My Guy wants things between us all to be normal and easy and friendly. He took pictures for Mr. Fantastic at the last kid event, at Mr. F's request. But I just can't do that. Mr. Fantastic is a taker, and he will take. He can't help it. And I will let him, if I'm not very, very careful, and that can not be permitted. We are SEPARATE. I know who he is and that's not what I want for myself. I miss My Guy and can't wait for him to be home. I hope that isn't part of this nostalgia for Mr. F.

Betsey would probably say it's a good thing for things to get to this place, but I feel very strongly that I must guard against it. I miss my old, manageable life (and yes, I always thought it was manageable, but I also weighed 15 pounds more than I do now, so there was at least some part of me that was miserable...). I miss old patterns, an easy friendship, my sense of rightness. I miss the guy I thought he was.