WW wife turned WA what to do? Sandi2 anyone?

[sandi2]

Hi Shade, just saw your thread and read about your situation. What are the ages of you and W?

I am a little confused about the current living arrangements, and her offer to help with kids on "your nights". Are you under the same roof?
Is she under the impression you will be moving out?

I don't know what to do. I don't really want her back like this, I really want some kind of serious apology and the offer to do counseling. But I haven't seen her hit any kind of wall or low point. I think she is getting overwhelmed by finances. She had no idea how much I did. I was not appreciated.

I assume you mean you do not want to just act as if the two of you resume the MR where you left off. I don't blame you. Letting a wayward back into the MR without serious work and commitment, is a grave mistake, IMHO. Based on what I have observed for many years, the majority of spouses who were wayward had rather return to the MR and act as if nothing ever happened. This is the easy way out for them. Whenever dirt is swept under the rug, you still have the dirt. IMHO, agreeing on the terms of reconciliation is extremely important, and implementing them is critical.

She may not feel remorse for a long time. I think a lot depends of how much resentment and disrespect she has for you. And of course, she has to get the OM completely out of her head, before her loving feelings for you really start to kick in again.

What I believe is most important and will open the door for remorse, an apology, counseling, etc., is her willingness. Without her willingness, you've got nothing! She may not feel what either of you want her to feel. She may not want to do counseling, or whatever is required..............that's okay. She doesn't have to like it or want it. But is she willing, anyway? That is the key. I have often said about myself, that I had to just be willing......to be willing!

All stipulations should be revealed when discussing reconciliation. Know what changes you want, what you are willing to do, and what you expect from her. She has the same right to give her stipulations, as well. Btw, agreeing to see a therapist experienced in couples healing from affairs, would need to top the list.

Let me point out something about these things you would want.............do not start telling her these things, if she has not even broached the subject of reconciling. I get amazed at H's who practically repeat what he's read off the DB board, and she's not even interested in getting back with him.

Do you continue to treat her as a WW? As long as she is wayward, then I would say so. I think most H's misread his wayward W's actions, which is understandable. So, don't try to attach certain meanings to asking you to lunch, or postponing property sale, etc. You need to be stable, and learn to have patients, b/c this will not be fixed quickly.

I really need to hear more about the MR.