Hi everyone, I bid you good day and thank you for the knowledge I have gained from lurking and humbly ask for your guidance. I am reading 'The Divorce remedy' (currently at the chapter about depression ) but I simply cannot afford to phone a coach and I have no idea if this will change any time soon. I apologize for a passage which is likely to be similar in length to 'War and Peace' but here goes...
H 50 Brit. W 46 s e Asian. M 24 years next week R almost 25 years D 20, S 17, D 12,
History, I lost a long standing job about a decade ago. My w was very upset but supported me when I proposed training for a new career. The project was extremely difficult and required full attention over many years.
But the loss of my job destroyed my confidence and self esteem and I found it difficult to organize and to cope. I let my own insecurities and personal issues, poor organization, family and mundane issues get in the way. It was the loss of confidence and self esteem that pushed me in this career direction because I had no belief in myself and couldn't apply for jobs.
About 2 years ago, my w started saying I should get a job and in hindsight I believe now she was unhappy, stressed and depressed. She was working to keep the family above water while I contributed nothing to the finances and all the pressure was on her.
This meant our having no money to spare and being unable to visit her family until, with her mother seriously ill we managed to visit them about a year and a half ago. Things weren't good between us but I didn't understand to what extent.
My w and family visited again in August returning in September last year. During that time my wife's motherhood she loved most dearly died.
Shortly after their return we went out to have a heart to heart during which my wife said I must get a job. She was very insistent but I also insisted that I could not but I would finish my plans and all would be good.
I meant this in all sincerely as it was always my goal to take good care of my wife and family whom, I love deeply, of course. I thought my wife understood but the finances suddenly became worse and I needed to find work fast. My wife was clearly distressed and couldn't cope. She wanted me to find employment with regular pay but I simply couldn't do this and I became self employed with a poor variable income.
It took me a couple of months to do this and during that time my wife became distant and started sleeping on the couch. I replaced her on the couch as she needs more sleep than me and she has made the bedroom her fortress over the last few months.
In December I got my wife a new bigger Mobile phone at her request, (the contracts are in my name) and shortly afterward, around December 2016 I found the older one on the couch were I was sleeping. I looked through it and found messages between her and another man to whom she was reaching out. Their E A was new as they were getting to know each other but almost immediately he was trying to become intimate though my wife was more stand offish wanting to get to know him.
During a disagreement I disclosed my knowledge of this which she denied until I proved it. My w became very angry accusing me of invading her privacy but I didn't let that wash and divert the issue from the salient point. My w said she didn't love me anymore and wanted a divorce and now she had told me she would f-ck someone else if she wanted to.
I don't remember what my immediate reactions were but I tried in the aftermath to reason, plead and demonstrate our love which all fell on deaf ears and a cold heart. I remember at a later date my wife telling me with contempt that I panicked when she said she wanted a divorce. I realise now that I really shot myself in the foot by divulging what I knew and reacting in the way I did.
In January we went out to talk. I wanted, tried to go through things and explain the past with a view to persuading her to step back( By then she had seen negotiators and apparently had a free meeting with a solicitor) but all she would talk about was arranging finances and preparing for divorce and my moving out.
I said that I would not leave and that it was in our children's and our interest two-step backward from this and live separately in the house so as not to upset our youngest. My wife said she needed a week to think about it. She is still thinking apparently and recently said that I need to contribute better to the finances in the next couple of months.
About 3 or 4 weeks ago I located my wife's old phone again and found pictures sent to her of a different man possible in his 60s though he may just look older and my w together in public sight seeing and naked photos of him on his own at a different time, possibly selfys and selfys of my wife taken by her in our bathroom in underwear. She saw him a total of 3 or 4 times in Jan and Feb up to about a week ago but a few days ago I overheard her talking with her friend during which she said that he had said that he didn't want to continue their relationship as he didn't want to stand in the way of her relationship with her husband. My wife told her friend that she doesn't have a relationship with her husband. that she had been crying and felt so stupid. My wife talked about me saying she didn't think she wanted to live with me forever and that's why she was so upset.
Yesterday I overheard my wife saying she missed him and that was the problem. I don't know if she was on the phone or talking to herself as nothing else was said.
My wife continues to be surly with me and normally leaves whatever room she is in when I enter. She is very cold and hostile swearing at me and calling me names at times when I have needed to point out a minor matter. The last time I said shut up a few times and she did after which I said don't talk to me if you can't say anything nice.
I believe I have failed to take care of my wife and family and not been the man my wife needed and she has finally had enough. Maybe I can rebuild the relationship by changing, fixing the house, being more supportive, earning money, taking charge of my life, gal. I am doing these things for her , for my children and for me. Two of my kids have started m /arts with me. Something I loved in the past and we are having great fun Together. I feel better for doing these things though I need to to earn more as I am not providing enough to save the family from financial ruin. I have thought of a new simple way to earn money which requires some training and am looking into it. It is quick to learn and something I will enjoy unlike the previous project. I realised my short Cummings before reading the divorce remedy as I had over the last 6 months been evaluating my life and the effect it was having on my family ( I haven't mentioned the effect on our children ) and I was preparing to make changes.
I believe I need to to continue improving in these areas for my wife to take notice but her affair worries me. It is one thing to have an E A but another to make it physical and I don't know that I can cope with the betrayal if that becomes the case. I know that the O M has dropped my w but she is very vulnerable and unhappy. She misses the feelings he gave her and I believe she is or will try to renew the relationship. Maybe the O M is genuine or he is playing her to push her into having sex. Fortunately He lives at least 2 hours away and maybe he feels it's too far.
So I'm not sure what to do now. Should I stay silent but that's hard to do without seeming nasty.
Should I Message or write to her apologising for the past ?
I like the idea of this and also saying that dispite the problems that I have been committed to her but that any relationship found on tinder is unlikely to last as people are not looking for the commitment she desires. That they will make excuses for leaving, some genuine some to force the reaction from Her they want.
That would make me feel better about the situation. Actually I sent her a text referring to the O M as the marriage wrecker and questioning his morals knowing her husband was trying to save the marriage with 3 chidren amongst other things. Is it a coincidence that he dropped her or did she show him.
I guess what to do now really depends on all the reasons for my wife's actions or do they include a mid life crisis, and her state of mind now.
I really appreciate your reading this to the end and any advice you may have. Thank you and best wishes,
