Wsh. I know the feeling. But the OM isn't the problem and never was. As others have said, if it wasn't him it would have been someone else. The blame lies totally on her. She's a big girl and knew exactly what she was doing. He didn't force her attention or force her to sleep with him. Stop worrying about him...if it bothers you that much, confront him them. I had a different reason for confronting mine - I told him that he could have the ex but if he ever came near my kids that I'd break his legs. Period.
So, the thing is, none of this is about the OM. He is just a tool for her. Not the other way around.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Our stories are very similar, even down the sick grandmother. Just be careful with assigning too much blame on her not holding you accountable. Would it have changed things? Maybe. But you shouldn't have to fear punishment in order to listen to what your wife needs. I'm guilty of having felt this way for a while as well but while it's reasonable to wish she communicated better, you also have to accept you should have listened better to what she did communicate.
Oh, I am very well aware of this now. It's a real shame that something so wonderful has to end because of ignorance and lack of experience. That's so stupid and unfair. I could learn these things with her. My loneliness in my youth bites me in the a55 again, due to not having much female experience, before my wife came along. I suffer the loss of my marriage, as though the loneliness that I suffered before I met my wife wasn't​ enough. That lack of female attention back then burns me again by depriving me of experience, causing my marriage to end, because I hadn't yet learned how to hold on to women. And that lack of female attention in my youth returns me back to the loneliness.
Originally Posted By: brizz
It's good that you're making changes and becoming a more rounded person but do it with the focus on you, not on making your wife possibly see it. It won't be genuine then and she'd see right through it. Judge your progress based on a list of your personal goals instead of a list of your wife's complaints.
I think most of the things she wanted for me, I want and need as well. So I think I am doing what you say here. Does anyone have any goals to suggest to me?
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
I think she would have stayed as long as she didn't find someone better
Wsh, my friend, you are still stuck on the belief that the OM caused this. She was gone no matter, and in her mind, she was done long before the OM came into the picture. If it wasn't him, it would have been someone else.
I don't believe OM caused this, entirely. He at least didn't cause the start of it. But he partially caused the end of it. My wife and I caused the start of it -- me by being neglectful, and her by allowing herself to fall for another guy and cheat on me, if by no more than an EA, though it's highly doubtful that they aren't having sex by this point, which is still considered adultery, even if we had a signed separation agreement. OM partially caused the end of the problem by pursuing a married woman (while he himself is married with 4 kids).
I really don't see any evidence to believe that she was done with the M when the OM came into the picture. I think she was dissatisfied and vulnerable to being pulled away from the M. There was nothing but evidence that she wanted to stay with me. She wrote me a sweet complaint letter in September, a few months after she changed jobs and met a--hole, where she asked me to change some things, very nicely. A checked out wife would not do that, I don't believe. She would no longer care about the M. I met checked out wife in December. She truly made almost no attempt to be a good wife anymore and to support the M.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
Just remember this - a monkey until it has a grip on another one...
Adultery doesn't just include sex. And what makes you think they haven't slept together?
She was done. Otherwise, she wouldn't have committed adultery. Period.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
*a monkey never lets loose a branch until it has a grip on another one
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
Just remember this - a monkey never lets loose a branch until it has a grip on another one...
Yeah, W didn't have the courage to leave the M without someone else to be with. My mom broke up two of her marriages (one with my dad) and she says she never had a man waiting for her on the outside. My wife is weak, though. She desperately needs attention from people, probably because her dad was (and is) aloof and pushed her off of him when she was a child.
Originally Posted By: Jeep74
Adultery doesn't just include sex. And what makes you think they haven't slept together?
I do think they have. I thought I stated or implied that.
Originally Posted By: Jeep74
She was done. Otherwise, she wouldn't have committed adultery. Period.
No. People cheat all the time and want to continue their marriages. Some people want their spouse and their lover at the same time. Some people want to fix their marriages after cheating. Some desperately want to be forgiven for cheating, but their spouse can never get over it, and leaves them eventually, leaving the spouse that cheated with a long life of guilt.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
I think you are doing well, my friend. You've come a long way since the beginning, no? And I think that's awesome.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
One foot in front of the other, my friend. Day by day. You got this.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
No. People cheat all the time and want to continue their marriages. Some people want their spouse and their lover at the same time. Some people want to fix their marriages after cheating. Some desperately want to be forgiven for cheating, but their spouse can never get over it, and leaves them eventually, leaving the spouse that cheated with a long life of guilt.
I believe a lot of this is true, but I think if the M is strong then there wouldn't be any infidelity. It is only when one spouse feels unhappy or unappreciated that adultery can happen.
I am sure there are a lot of couples who have survived infidelity, but I wonder how many of those were just "one-night stands" compared to an actual EA and PA? Seems to me that it takes a lot for an individual to carry on an A of any kind. They have to live a double life. They have to become someone who lies to so many people that trust and love them. They have to live with the constant fear of getting caught. Therefore, IMO, they would have to be completely done with the M in order to become this person because of the fact that their M's would most likely be over anyway once it was discovered. Not too many people would take back a cheating spouse.
M: 37 W: 36 T: 16 M: 11 D2: 8,3 PA: 2015 WAW: 2016 W Filed: 2017 2/07/2017 W officially dating OM2
