So Confused and Conflicted (4)

[MoveFrwd]

She woke me up when she was done, instead of when I still had a chance with her.

This is what you need to learn and continue to remind yourself. She could have said anything she wanted to you and you wouldnt have listened. Because its ACTIONS and not WORDS that matter. If she told you she was unhappy (which, Im guessing she did at some point), you wouldnt have been in a place to do anything. Or you would have busted your butt for a couple weeks or months and then re-settled.

But look what her ACTIONS have caused.

So now, what ACTIONS are you going to do? Thats whats important! You say you dont have a chance, but you do. You have a chance as long as you want to leave the door open to a possible reconciliation. Be it a week, a month, a year, 10 years, 25 years, thats up to you. But, if you GET that chance, you have to be in a position to take advantage of it. Are you? Is this the finished product of WshIKnw2.0?

[Dawgs]

I don't think she would have just given up on our marriage so easily had that a**hole not moved in on her.

Not necessarily true... He is fulfilling an emotional need of hers and most likely would have sought it out on her own. If not with him then possibly someone else. Sorry to say, but I think she was done with the M before the OM came into the picture.

The OM didn't cause it. That's just a by-product.

[LITB]

So now, what ACTIONS are you going to do? Thats whats important! You say you dont have a chance, but you do. You have a chance as long as you want to leave the door open to a possible reconciliation. Be it a week, a month, a year, 10 years, 25 years, thats up to you. But, if you GET that chance, you have to be in a position to take advantage of it. Are you? Is this the finished product of WshIKnw2.0?

Kaizen is absolutely right. Wsh, you play a bigger role in the outcome than you realize. BUT, you have to use your time wisely.

Everyone's goal is to save their M/R when they arrive here. You have to invest time and effort into getting there. We keep hammering the same thing over and over again. The time and effort needs to be spent improving yourself.

As terrible as these situations are, they force us to self-reflect. I believe you can learn more from one storm, than a thousand days of sunshine. If we choose.

I'd rather try, than live with regret of not trying knowing that there aren't any guarantees. Stop being hung up on OM or the why. It will get you nowhere if you haven't noticed.

[Dawgs]

Stop being hung up on OM or the why. It will get you nowhere if you haven't noticed.

I could have sworn someone said that before...or two times..or three...

[WshIKnw]

She woke me up when she was done, instead of when I still had a chance with her.

This is what you need to learn and continue to remind yourself. She could have said anything she wanted to you and you wouldnt have listened. Because its ACTIONS and not WORDS that matter.

That's what MWD says in the Walk-Away Wife Syndrome video, I believe. I think that an ultimatum -- something threatening -- would have woken me up, but who knows, because she has never done it. She gave me an ultimatum the first year we were dating, though, it was a getting back together ultimatum. So, it's a bit different, but that ultimatum made me get off an anti-depressant that was very hard for me to get off of (took me like a year and a half).

If she told you she was unhappy (which, Im guessing she did at some point), you wouldnt have been in a place to do anything. Or you would have busted your butt for a couple weeks or months and then re-settled.

Yeah, she would complain about things a lot, but make no actions. Never punish me other than to complain about stuff, and then turn around and act like things were fine, whether I improved or not. I just wish she had tried harder to get through to me. Her action of leaving me (actually it was her telling me she wasn't sure she still wanted to be with me) was the first thing that she did or said that really communicated to me that she was unhappy and I had to change. I believe that had she actually reached the end of her rope, she wouldn't have just quit, but would have tried harder -- proposed MC, given me an ultimatum, scared the crap out of me by acting like she might be leaving me, etc. Instead, a**hole came by first, and wooed her while she was vulnerable on her 7th year of marriage, 30th year of life, and while her grandmother's health was going way down (who has been like a second mom to her). He complained about his wife to everyone at work, and she related to him probably by complaining about me. He probably took mental notes of what she complained about, with me, and made sure to shine very well in those areas. F---ing d--k already has an attractive wife and 4 kids.

But look what her ACTIONS have caused.

So now, what ACTIONS are you going to do? Thats whats important! You say you dont have a chance, but you do. You have a chance as long as you want to leave the door open to a possible reconciliation. Be it a week, a month, a year, 10 years, 25 years, thats up to you. But, if you GET that chance, you have to be in a position to take advantage of it. Are you? Is this the finished product of WshIKnw2.0?

Well, 90% of her complaints about me were due to a lack of motivation -- not realizing I was in danger of losing her, and not realizing she was unhappy (because she acted fine). So, those are taken care of. A lot of them I can't show her improvement on, because she is essentially non-existent in my life. The only possible way for her to be like that towards me, I believe, has been to replace me. She is way too needy, otherwise.

I'm working on gaining weight, but it's a slow process. I just noticed in the mirror that it looks like my face is filling out some, which is one of the places I need meat the most. When I touch my face, I'm pretty sure I can feel a difference in the squishiness. So that is really cool. My muscles are getting bigger and I'm graduating up in weights. I'm still doing protein shakes, but not daily like I probably should be. I think I'm going to start eating a dozen donuts a week. The week I did that, recently, I gained a few pounds. I've been keeping the house and the yard up. I fixed the siding on the house where it had become rotten. I've been trying to become a more well-rounded person, rather than so single-minded in my hobbies. That helps me to have friends. When all you care about is programming, it's a little hard to find other people that are that into it. I have co-workers, but they don't really touch it outside of work. So far, the best I have done is get out some with a friend that I made. I haven't been touching the hobbies that I used to be into. I'm definitely not going to give up on my game programming hobby. I'm just taking a break for now, because I was a bit obsessed with it, and that was one of my wife's biggest complaints. And right now, I have so little interest in anything other than trying to improve myself, and my situation with her. I've been cooking for myself and taking care of myself. She has done zero of that for at least 60 days. I've been more on time for things than before, but still have slip-ups. Timeliness is one of my worst traits, but I haven't been late for anything that has involved my wife. I have been trying to think of ways to get over fears. Now that I'm not very happy, I don't have a lot of fear, though. I just started reading a book called, "Feel the Fear... and Do It Anyway". It seems to be quite good. I have been going to church some, but found it very depressing last time, because I saw so many guys my age with wives and kids, and have been disappointed that I haven't heard more messages that I thought I could apply to my life. One of the last things I heard about was being humble, which is certainly not something I have a problem with, especially after being dumped by the person that was a huge part of my confidence. I have been totally nurturing relationships with my family, as I have relied on them heavily throughout this. I have made one friend so far, and hung out with him at his place Sunday night until after 2 AM. I don't take my wife at all for granted anymore (how could I at this point, right? heh), and I have 100% appreciation for her. I have done a ton of studying on how to treat a woman, and the differences between men and women. And plan to do a lot more reading on that, because I never want to make the mistakes that I made, again. This s*cks. The relationship that I had with my wife was the first relationship that I ever had that lasted more than a few weeks. So, I am pretty inexperienced with women. It's a shame that my wife apparently expected me to be an expert, since she wouldn't give me a second chance, but she was likely all caught up in OM by the end, anyway.

This list actually sounds pretty good. I think it sounds better than the list of improvements that I wrote for LITB the other day. I used my wife's laundry list of complaints departure letter to see what I've been working on, on that list, and I'm pleasantly surprised. I feel pretty good about it, after writing this self-appraisal.

[WshIKnw]

I don't think she would have just given up on our marriage so easily had that a**hole not moved in on her.

Not necessarily true... He is fulfilling an emotional need of hers and most likely would have sought it out on her own. If not with him then possibly someone else. Sorry to say, but I think she was done with the M before the OM came into the picture.

I think you are wrong about that. I think she would have stayed as long as she didn't find someone better. I just wish she would have been more focused on making our marriage what she needed it to be. But all she knew how to do, or wanted to do, was complain, and then act like things are okay, and write me sweet notes about how happy she is to have me, whether I improved on her complaints or not.

[Dawgs]

I think she would have stayed as long as she didn't find someone better

Wsh, my friend, you are still stuck on the belief that the OM caused this. She was gone no matter, and in her mind, she was done long before the OM came into the picture. If it wasn't him, it would have been someone else.

The whys and what fors no longer matter. What difference does it make now? Stop beating yourself up for something you have, and never had, no control over. I'm not busting your chops, but this is a theme you have repeated so much that I'm sure you believe it yourself. You're a good man...one who deserves much more credit than you are giving yourself.

I like the way you discussed the protein and filling out. You're coming along. The question remains, what are you doing for you? What are you doing to ensure that you will be the best wsh for both yourself and who ever new future person will come into your life?

[brizz]

Yeah, she would complain about things a lot, but make no actions. Never punish me other than to complain about stuff, and then turn around and act like things were fine, whether I improved or not. I just wish she had tried harder to get through to me. Her action of leaving me (actually it was her telling me she wasn't sure she still wanted to be with me) was the first thing that she did or said that really communicated to me that she was unhappy and I had to change. I believe that had she actually reached the end of her rope, she wouldn't have just quit, but would have tried harder -- proposed MC, given me an ultimatum, scared the crap out of me by acting like she might be leaving me, etc. Instead, a**hole came by first, and wooed her while she was vulnerable on her 7th year of marriage, 30th year of life, and while her grandmother's health was going way down (who has been like a second mom to her). He complained about his wife to everyone at work, and she related to him probably by complaining about me. He probably took mental notes of what she complained about, with me, and made sure to shine very well in those areas. F---ing d--k already has an attractive wife and 4 kids.

Our stories are very similar, even down to the sick grandmother. Just be careful with assigning too much blame on her not holding you accountable. Would it have changed things? Maybe. But you shouldn't have to fear punishment in order to listen to what your wife needs. I'm guilty of having felt this way for a while as well but while it's reasonable to wish she communicated better, you also have to accept you should have listened better to what she did communicate.

It's good that you're making changes and becoming a more rounded person but do it with the focus on you, not on making your wife possibly see it. It won't be genuine then and she'd see right through it. Judge your progress based on a list of your personal goals instead of a list of your wife's complaints.

[WshIKnw]

The question remains, what are you doing for you? What are you doing to ensure that you will be the best wsh for both yourself and who ever new future person will come into your life?

I don't understand. I just outlined things I'm doing for me in the last long post.

[WshIKnw]

He complained about his wife to everyone at work, and she related to him probably by complaining about me. He probably took mental notes of what she complained about, with me, and made sure to shine very well in those areas. F---ing d--k already has an attractive wife and 4 kids.

While he was competing with me for my wife's love, I didn't even know I was in a competition for her love. F---ing POS.