Yesterday was the last of my introductory or foundational sessions for EMDR therapy. The foundational sessions consisted of one session of just introducing my situation to the therapist and him giving me a broad overview of what is to come. The next session we discussed what I viewed as the primary memories of the trauma in my life. Yesterday's session we reviewed in more detail what will happen during the actual EMDR session. We also created a "safe" place for me in my mind so that if things get too scary during the session, I have a soft place to land.
Tomorrow I start the real work. I have been doubling up on sessions last week and this week because I wanted to dive right in as soon as possible.
Part of me is excited to really begin this part of my journey. Another part is really scared. The idea of digging up ancient memories of past hurts that were buried so long ago is so frightening. But I believe in all my heart that in order to move forward, I have to go back. So with everything I have, I am going to dive right in. They are just memories and feelings after all. And we all know, feelings are not facts.
More passive aggressive remarks this morning. Ugh. It takes all my strength to not react. My fuse is getting shorter. I just have to keep reminding myself that he is trying to bait me.
Also this morning I caught myself mind reading. Again. I am going to have to move mountains to get myself to stop. The rationalizations I give myself are just that, rationalizations. I tell myself I do it because of the lack of communication between us so I have to "guess" what he is doing/thinking based on his conduct. But really, what difference does it make? Right? He is going to do whatever it is he wants to do.
I tell myself I do it because I need to brace myself for worst case scenario. I have to prepare mentally for the worst, most devastating outcome. That way, when it happens, it won't be as much of a shock. But really, would it be any less of a shock? Probably not.
These are the things I have been telling myself. I have to find another conversation. Lol!
I find that you can't believe much of what they say and only 1/2 of what they do. Actions speak louder than words and this not only applies to us...but to them as well. Try to look at him as a teenager, one who has his hormones bouncing all around. Teens like to get reactions out of parents, so step back and just listen to what he says...but if something really is out of kilter, then say something.
You can rationalize w/someone who isn't on the same level right now. Mind reading will get you absolutely no where fast. In fact, it can create anger, frustration, anxiety, disappointment, etc. Keep those expectations at zero and you are absolutely correct on one thing...he's going to do whatever he needs to do to find himself.
Keep the focus on you!
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
S and I had a wonderful weekend. I wish it was longer. The weather in our neck of the woods was absolutely beautiful. We spent so much time outside looking for bugs, sticks, and rocks while listening to the birds sing.
On Saturday we went to a children's museum. S seemed overwhelmed with all there was to do, but he enjoyed it nonetheless. H asked to come along and I said okay. We had lunch afterward and overall it was very pleasant.
On Sunday we just putzed around the house. I am learning to color my own hair so I did that while S napped. I don't have the patience or time (and if we divorce, probably $$$) to get it done in a salon. I think it looks okay. I hadn't had the courage to do it until now so I am glad I faced this mini challenge.
My EMDR session on Friday was pretty intense. I think I am learning more about my childhood experiences. So far I have discovered a deep feeling that anytime something goes wrong in a personal relationship, it is all my fault. No matter what had happened, I feel the need to shoulder the responsibility and take the blame.
For example, one of the beatings I received from my mother involved a piece of clothing that I had altered without her permission, then I lied about it. She had warned me not to do it, but I did it anyway. She beat the stuffing out of me. During the beating I now remember my sister scrambling around us trying to hide things she could use to continue to beat me. Objectively, her punishment was extreme. Subjectively, I altered the clothing and lied about it so I deserved what I got. I have some work to do!!!
I am finding that I disdain the sound of the text message and email alerts on H's phone. Internally I cringe when I hear them. My mind immediately starts thinking it's from one of his OW. I feel like I am a dog in an experiment.
Some more PA behavior this morning. My alma mater made it into the NCAA tournament. H commented about it this morning and I replied, yes, but they probably won't make it too deep. His response was "you never know." To which I validated and said "yes, that's why they play the games." In my mind I thought, they haven't got a snowball's chance in he!! to make it to the Final Four.
I need to vent. I feel like he was just being a contrarian or he just cannot ever validate anything I say, do, or feel. During football season, the exact same conversation took place except the roles were reversed. I made the "you never know" comment when he complained his team wouldn't make it into the playoffs. One minute he is a pessimist, the next an optimist? I fee like he just takes the opposite view from me to try to provoke an argument. Ugh.
Oh. My. God. More passive aggressive nonsense. Or maybe it's not PA behavior and it's something else. Whatever it is, it's kinda annoying, kinda funny, and kinda sad.
So, here it goes . . . another story. At breakfast this morning, S reaches for some plain yogurt H is eating. It's pretty nasty and sour, but S asks for some. I told S that I love how adventurous he is with eating and that I love how he likes to try new things. I also told him that I thought it was a really good trait to have. H pipes in "well, only to a point." Ugh. Really? Hey, Negative Nelly, I wasn't talking to you.
During that same breakfast, S starts coughing. He sounds really congested. As do I. It's allergy season in these here parts. H commented, oh, are you sick from running around naked yesterday evening. (I let S take off his clothes and run around the backyard nekked. It was in the 80s and he was getting wet from playing with his water toys.) I know, I'm a horrible mom.
H is one angry MLC'er. Which I find ironic since he is the one that had 3 OW. I feel like he is trying to provoke me or wear me down. He wouldn't be doing this if he weren't getting something out of it. Just what that is, I have no clue.
Your h is a negative nelly right now and nothing looks bright and happy to him. He's depressed and it's all about the black and white of his situation...not gray area in the mix. Also, he's baiting you, hoping you'll argue w/him. Don't give him the satisfaction of letting him see it annoys you. The less you react, the better.
Sit quietly, the answers will reveal themselves when you least expect them to. The past is gone, the present is a gift and you need to focus on today, allow the future to reveal itself when it is ready.
Thanks Job! I was wondering if that is what was going on. At first, I just thought I was being overly sensitive, but I am writing this stuff down because I think it helps me see that it isn't me. When you take these comments out of context and put them by themselves, they all seem innocent enough. They aren't overtly hostile. He's pretty sly like that.
My tongue is getting pretty tore up from having to bite it all the time. Lol! On a serious note, I do ignore it. Like a water off a duck's back.
It must be hard for him to sit on the edge of his seat all the time waiting to pounce.
Don't take the bait! My husband used to do the same, he was always trying something to pick on me or the kids, just for the sake of starting an argument, somehow they need us to argue/scream to justify their decisions to act the way they do. It's just a very twisted way to reinforce their point of view. We are humans so de facto imperfect, so it's easy to find something to pick on, just ignore him, be aware that it might intensify his behavior for a while, while they don't like us they still need to feel that we are under their power/pressure/manipulation. Also ignoring him when he tries to start an argument is part of detachement.
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
My W did the same thing...she pushed my buttons until I blew and then she got upset. She would then go dark until I'd apologize and then tell me that I really hurt her feelings. This went on for years and still happens. I guess it is all about attention one way or another.
Me 49 W46 T25 M22 S22 D18 S13 W had EA Apr-Jul 2016 Dropped Bomb 7/9/16 ILYBINILWYA HER DIVORCE IS FINAL...8/18/17 Dropping the rope to SURVIVE & THRIVE!!!
