(((HUGS))) Memories... triggers...sadness... May be listening to this CD was a good/painful thing, even if it hurts, it seems it brought you back in the past and helped you to review some events under a different angle. Now you are more aware of them, even if you are mad a yourself it can actually help you to have a better understanding on what's going on in his mind.
Now I am going to give you the advice I have been giving to my kids since they have been very young: Nothing is set in stone. Nothing is done until it's fully done. Take a big breath, use your brain, analyze and come up with a plan. It means even if the situation looks really bad, do not give up.
Don't take his words for what they are, remember MLCers are lost... I know it hurts like hell, but they are just words. Like you I was so hurt when he used to tell me that he didn't regret his A at the beginning, but now I can see it was just part of the whole MLC thing. Now he is the one doing the pursuing... and cannot remember saying those hurtful words... So take a big breath, and think what you can do to keep that door open. I might be wrong but your husband might be from what you are describing in the beginning of the depression/withdrawal phase, so any R talks are totally out of question. Position yourself more as a friend to him rather than a lover, somebody he can talk to when he feels to, that period can last 6 months to 18 months. During that period MLCers are still very touchy, so no talks about the past or R, it makes them going backward. I know how unfair it is, they are the ones hurting us but we are still to have to do the heavy lifting.
It seems that your husband craves words of affirmation and affection, may be you can send him some "friendly only" messages to encourage him to stay in contact with you, apparently you said that "you turned him down and were not affectionate enough".
Keep your messages simple/friendly/warm nothing emotional or negative, keep them very short: Good morning...Going to the museum today/gym...Hope you are doing fine... Have a nice day... Going for a walk with the dogs, do you want to join me.. Pictures of the dogs... Send one message a day for 3 days then stop for 2 days and start again.
You might also if feel comfortable enough, ask him to have lunch/dinner together... or going to an event..
The goal is to keep the door open but not to be too pushy and looking like being a pursuer, this is a very fine line to walk on.
Keep journaling, venting it helps to sort out feelings. Meanwhile, detach+++
Me 52+ WH 57+ Married 20 + Piecing since 2016 (ready to give up...)
