Hi all, Ugh.... Here is my story- My wife started an EA probably late 2012/early 2013 that became a PA early 2014. The AP is(was) my best friend. We would spend a lot of time together as families. He and his wife have 2 sons age 16 and 10. We would go on small trips together as couples etc. Wife gave me the ILYBINILWY speech on 4.17.14 and proceed to leave to spend a night with her AP at a hotel. She came back the next day but wasn't broken. A few days later she seemed to become more broken. I received full disclosure about the affair (or so I thought as I question everything now)
We are both Christians and I serve at my church. We started MC and over the next 6 months things were progressing well. What I didn't know is my W was still in contact with her AP. About 4-5 months later she would go meet him for coffee while I was at work. 6 months to the date of BD-1 she confessed she was still seeing him but nothing physical happened like before. (could be lies but I don't believe so) Both me and the OM's W were pretty suspicious about things and I know he was on a very short leash at home. After a lengthy conversation throughout the night she again agreed she needed to stop. The most painful part (and addictive part) for her was the emotional connection she had with her AP.
I thought we had a really good marriage so her cheating caught me by surprise. I could tell in early 2014 something wasn't right and I figured it must be something I have been doing to irritate my W.
The 2nd BD was October 2014. We were still in MC and this MC continued for another 1.25 years. Our last counseling session was in January 2016.
I really thought we were doing well. We were communicating well and working together as a team. We spent most of 2015 growing together as a financial team and paid off over $26,000 of debt. This was due to going through ... Because of this course we no longer argued about money. Money management has been our biggest area of conflict through the first 11 years of our marriage.
This brings me to February 2017. I have been trying to get my W back to MC (together) as I felt like there was something missing between us. It was more of a disconnect for the past 4 months. She didn't want to do MC but overall it seemed like our marriage was healthy. We enjoyed doing things together. She would vent about her new/old job. Her previous employer sold his business to a young couple. They would stress my W out with how they ran the business. Most nights she would come home and vent for about 30-40 minutes. Because of the extra stress sometimes she would have to work late.
On 2.10.17 while I was at work I caught my W in a lie. I received an email notification that my bank account was suspended. About 45 minutes later I received a text from my W that she was getting up for the day. (she doesn't work friday's and usually sleeps in). I contacted her around the lunch hour and she said she had tried accessing our accounts (all of our accounts are joint). I then asked why her 'wake up' text was 40 minutes after my email notification. She assured me she must have forgot text me right away. (She had been doing a great job of keeping me informed and trying to rebuild trust in our marriage after all of the lying) I chose to trust her (stupid... I know).
When I arrived home from work she was gone. Half of the house assets were missing along with a good chunk of $$ from our accounts. I then drove over the the OM's home to see if he had indeed moved out. (we found out through our pastor that her AP was leaving his wife 2 weeks before my W left. I had zero idea she was still in contact with him). When I arrived at the OM's home his W knew exactly why I was there. She didn't know the affair was still active until I showed up. My W's AP help her move out and she moved into his apartment.
Since this was the 3rd time I decided I would not pursue her as I did the first 2 times. I didn't contact her at all. In fact I have never initiated contact with her since she left except for last week. My W called about 4 days later to explain "she couldn't think of a better way to do what she did". She said she has been emotionally detached from me for quite some time and that I was controlling. (it's weird because I have emails from her from after her first affair expressing how drawn to me she has become and how glad she is that I didn't give up on us. They sure seemed real at the time)
I know I won't be able to grasp the rationalization behind her choice as it is all feeling based. The truth is I can be controlling. I have a dominant personality and I would make my wife feel as if her opinion didn't matter. This was especially true for the first 10 years of our marriage. I have changed a lot over the last 3 years since her first affair. MC has helped me become a better person and husband. I've changed to the point were my W told her MIL not to long ago that I'm a different person. She said I no longer yell at her or have a short temper towards her and I'm much more kind and caring.
I met with an attorney the first week she left. After speaking with the OM's W and understanding the complete financial mess they are in I didn't want to be responsible for any debt that my W would rack up during this situation. We have spoken only a few times via text or email. She has completely cut off all of her friends and me. The texts and emails have been about bills, cell phones, car insurance etc.
She has been 100% cold since she left. I don't understand this as we ML 2 days before she left and usually we would ML 2-3 times a week. I didn't notice anything different in the bedroom or how she was treating me. Our conversation was pleasant and ILY's where present all of the time. I know she is very capable of leading a double life. Her lies are very smooth and effortless.
I served her D papers on 3.6.17. I also wrote a letter explaining I would like to reconcile our marriage but that I cannot be a part of an open marriage. (this is the first time I initiated contact) If she wanted to be with someone else I would respect her choice but I could no longer be married to her.
She acquired an attorney on 3.10.17 and is now looking to get more money out of the settlement I proposed. She did email back and basically said we have good times and bad times and that no marriage or person is perfect. She then proceeded to explain to me how I wasn't perfect. All of the things she said have some truth to them. But I struggle with being blamed for her choices. She said the affair 3 years ago wasn't my fault but at the same time she was hurting (which means it was my fault in her eyes).
To end this long post she said she I'm a good man and she never thought she'd be divorcing me but it is what she wants at this time. It is her choice.
I feel powerless to stop this D train. I truly don't want to divorce her but we have zero contact and as long as the AP is in the picture our marriage doesn't stand a chance. Thanks all, e
Last edited by Cristy; 03/13/1701:44 PM. Reason: As stated in our OnLine Community Board Rules, we do not allow recommendations of non-DivorceBusting books / websites / blogs etc
Me 38, Her 40 T-14, M-13, No kids BD-1 4/14- EA/PA BD-2 10/14- EA BD-3 2/17- EA/PA W Moves out 2.10.17 in with AP W Served D papers 3.6.17 Divorce Final- 5.23.17
You may be on moderation now, post in small frequent replies and stay on this thread until you reach 100 posts (for your thread, you can also post on other peoples threads to give support). Especially on this Newcomers forum, where the posting activity is very active, and your posts can quickly fall to the bottom of the page or even several pages down. Keep journaling and asking questions - people will come! Most important - POST!
Get out and Get a Life (GAL). DETACH.
Believe none of what he or she says and half of what he/she does.
Have NO EXPECTATIONS.
Take care of yourself, breathe, eat, sleep, exercise.
Take the parts of this advice that you need and don't worry if I have repeated something that you have already done.
Here are a few links to threads that will help you immensely:
Thanks Cadet. I've been looking through these topics for the past 4 weeks. The trouble with all of this is accepting the reality of the situation. Truth is I'm grieving for what I thought I had. The truth is I'm married to a person that is willing to cheat and be with another married man. She is not the person I'd choose to be with. However I believe she is a good person at heart and she is making bad choices. My longing to reconciliation is for what she 'could be'. Problem with that is I don't know who she will be.
I've been told you can't get to where you are going if you can't accept where you are at. Thanks all, e
Me 38, Her 40 T-14, M-13, No kids BD-1 4/14- EA/PA BD-2 10/14- EA BD-3 2/17- EA/PA W Moves out 2.10.17 in with AP W Served D papers 3.6.17 Divorce Final- 5.23.17
Little compares to the devastation people feel when they discover their spouse has been unfaithful. Couples often struggle to get past intense emotional pain, mistrust, resentment and never ending arguments about the betrayal.
Healing from infidelity is achievable for both of you with the right support and tools.
Knowing what to do and what not to do at this point is crucial. Feel free to give me a call at 303-444-7004 to discuss how we can best help you determine what to do next.
Cristy
Resource Coordinator The Divorce Busting Center 303-444-7004
Last edited by Cristy; 03/13/1703:00 PM.
A Divorce Busting Coach can help you save your marriage, even when your spouse wants out.
Email virginia@divorcebusting.com or 303-444-7004 for more information or to get started right away.
Hi all. How would you guide me with this email I received? Do I even respond? There is truth to the way I would control in our marriage. This was especially true in the first ten years.
15stang Thank you for your email. As we both know, we have been working through issues throughout our marriage. Not just the past 3 years. We have had good times, good memories, bad times & bad memories. No marriage is perfect. No person is perfect.
It is unfortunate throughout our years together, there have been too many unhealthy relations between us. You may not agree on this but I have been hurt for quite some time. We have had our struggles for a long time with our communication in connecting with each other & not understanding each other. Our struggles financially. Example: Questioning what I buy with my allowance money when we had an understanding that is my choice. The vacation check paid out for my unused hours. I still feel that should have been given to me. I asked to put that in a vacation fund & without hesitation you said "no". We do not agree on the control you had over this marriage. How very different we were in our personalities. It is hard for you to understand how I did not feel I could be completely myself. I learned how to talk to you. Had to teach myself how to think & what words to say when we were talking. Otherwise, I felt I was being analyzed. It did not seem as if we could just talk & share naturally or easily. This is how I feel. You may feel otherwise.
It was not your fault with what happened 3 years ago. With that said, I have struggled a long time in our marriage. Not just the last 3 years. I am burned out. I am past reconciliation.
I do hope God will bless you someday with a woman where the two of you completely cherish & have a deep love for each other. That intimate connection of sharing honestly & openly you have been talking to me about. I hope the male counselor you have been meeting with helps you in the ways you need.
I did meet with my lawyer on Friday, Mar 10th. There are few things at the house I would like to get if we can agree between the two of us.
1. I have a box of year books/pics from my childhood downstairs. (most important to me) 2. The framed pictures above the stairs from my parents. 3. The wall candle holder in the dining room. 4. Remote for the candles.
Are you ok with me having these items? Please let me know.
You are a good man, 15stang. I did not plan on ever being divorced from you but this is where I am at. This is my choice
Me 38, Her 40 T-14, M-13, No kids BD-1 4/14- EA/PA BD-2 10/14- EA BD-3 2/17- EA/PA W Moves out 2.10.17 in with AP W Served D papers 3.6.17 Divorce Final- 5.23.17
So sorry, my friend. The unfortunate thing is that there is absolutely nothing you can do to change her mind. Nothing. Sorry to be so blunt, but it is what it is.
There is nothing to be gained by responding. Nothing. Because, your response would be based on YOUR feelings, not hers. And even if it weren't intentional, on some level responses are attempts at guilting someone into not leaving the marriage, which leads to this question - if you had to guilt someone into staying, why would you when they don't really want to be there?
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
I would not respond to the issues, feelings or examples she laid out, but I respond to her just to let her know that you will box up the items and get them to her (give to a mutual friend, mail, etc.), unless you want the none-personal items like the candle holders and sticks, then tell her you'll box up the pictures.
I would also walk around the house and see if there is anything else you think she might want that you don't, give her whatever you don't want so that she doesn't keep using that as a way to keep contacting you.
I'm sorry to hear about your story, it's so hard to look back and question everything, to wonder if anything was real, and question if you were really such a bad person/husband. You will go through that, if you haven't already, but it to shall pass.
At this point, your best bet is just to focus on you. It sounds like D may be best for you so that you don't get screwed financially, but don't feel that it means everything is final. Divorce is a piece of paper and doesn't change feelings, if the future holds you two getting back together, it won't matter if your legally married or not, many people get divorced and then reconcile and many other people stay M and don't.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
Thanks for the guidance everyone. I did not respond to the email. It has been deleted. I did let my attorney know I'll give her the things she has requested except the artwork. She has taken almost every gift my in-laws ever gave us. I like how the artwork fills the wall they hang on. Removing them, in my opinion, would make the house feel more empty.
As for the divorce I already feel like I'm getting screwed. We are a no fault state. My first settlement offer she gets $36,000 of 401K and I take on a $3000 debt to offset some assets. She is now wanting the house appraised to see if there is any money available. Hopefully the appraisal is low.....
This is so frustrating. I hate the feeling of wicked people prospering. At the end of the day it is just money and I will survive. I hate the idea of financing a wayward lifestyle. But I'm not surprised. Her AP is going to be filing bankruptcy so I'm sure he is leading her to get everything she can to offset his loss.
I am trying to focus on me and it is hard to accept the new normal. It is a complete reality shift. I've spent a good portion of my life with this woman and from my view we had a great marriage. There was joy, laughter, very good intimacy, and we enjoyed doing things together. A friend of mine told me early on that it is important to do things together. I felt like we had our own identity while still enjoying things together. I used to enjoy motorcycles and my W would ride with me. I could tell she wasn't as excited as I was. After talking with her we decided to get a sports car. My wife has always been a car fan. We've enjoyed this car for the past 7 years. It was a sacrifice on my end to give up the bike but truthfully I don't miss the bikes at all. I really enjoy the sport car and the time spent with her. We seemed to work so well together as a team. It's only been the last 4-5 years that have been difficult. As I mentioned in the OP this is when the affair started. We had a good 2015 as we worked on the marriage. Probably the best year of marriage we had. But I understand how all of this doesn't matter when you are a part of an affair. I (and our marriage) become enemy #1. I say this as I don't believe good marriages prevent affairs nor to bad marriages cause affairs. The issue to me is boundaries. Instead of talking with another man she should have brought the concerns to me. If I didn't listen she could have brought a friend or team of people to help me understand the seriousness of the issues. But all of this is in the past and I will never have a better past.
It's hard to let go of such an enjoyable history. I grieve for what I have lost, for what I thought I had. Accepting reality is understanding I would not choose the current person she has become. My hope is someday she will change and surrender and we can reconcile if that is what God wants. Although even thinking this keeps me attached so I redirect to the present which is taking care of myself.
I do want her to be happy. I cannot see any way her AP will make her happy. But she is no longer my responsibility. I have to keep telling myself this. As the provider and caretaker for the last 14 years this is tough to swallow.
Thanks all, e
Me 38, Her 40 T-14, M-13, No kids BD-1 4/14- EA/PA BD-2 10/14- EA BD-3 2/17- EA/PA W Moves out 2.10.17 in with AP W Served D papers 3.6.17 Divorce Final- 5.23.17
Speak with your attorney about the appraisal, but I will tell you that I applied to refinance the house and wasn't able to because the appraisal came in at $340k, then 4 months later we were selling the house for #365, and the appraisal came in over that.
I don't know why, and I'm not going to speculate that it is always that way. But I will say that if the appraisal comes in high, you might need to re-finance to buy her out, so attaching the appraisal to a refi may work both ways.
M - 9 1/2 years 5/5/16 - Bomb drop - 3 week EA 10/31/16 - We sold house 01/10/18 - D Finalized
