I have a feeling your marriage is going to make it, Gordie.
Ummm...why do you feel that way?
It just sounds like you have it together, and what you are doing is working. You seem to be of the right mindset. You are positive and hopeful. Self-fulfilling prophecies work both in the negative and positive direction. Also, you have 5 kids, which probably help to keep a marriage together, though they add stress. People don't like breaking up their families. They will often try harder to stay together, for the kids.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
There are moments in this life when you are so confident in the rightness of your actions, that not even for a second do you consider the option that you might be wrong.
You admitted to not doing that great at improving yourself. Hey, I'll give you credit for recognizing that.
Now, that needs to change. Your response was filled with doing things to "trick" your W to come back.
There is no tricking her to come back. If this were the case, it would fall apart again, because genuine changes didn't actually occur. It would be too easy to revert to the same old patterns.
I want to encourage you to step out of your comfort zone. It has to start with small, attainable goals. Not anything big, like getting a motorcycle or a pilot's license. Maybe later.
The focus has to be to do things independent of your W. Is there anything in your area that you can volunteer to do? Do you like sports? What kind of things interest you?
Start slowly filling in your calendar(GAL). Try not to overwhelmed yourself. One step at a time.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
Anyone here that reconciled: Was your wife ever a hateful monster/alien? Can a wife come back from that?
Does being called an absent father/husband and being threatened with a restraining order count? Or being told that my late father would be disappointed in me for fighting for custody of our children?
I'd guess that most people here (reconciled or not) have dealt with the hateful craziness. Looking back, I said some pretty hateful things myself. Forgiveness is required by both partners.
Anyway, that's why detachment is so important. Let the craziness roll right off your back.
Me:45 ExW:48 M:04/97 3 Bombs & 2 ReCons 1st BD 11/10 D Finalized 4/20 D-16 S-14 Going in one more round when you don't think you can. That's what makes all the difference in life.~Rocky Balboa
LITB, did she turn into a different person, that showed an anger and coldness that you had never seen before? When the book talks about the "alien", I know that all too well, but I prefer the term "demon" or "monster". I think what happened is that my wife probably cheated on me, and felt so bad and guilty about doing it, that to cope with what she had done, she had to make herself hate me and blame me for what she did, so that she wouldn't have to feel bad about it. You know, had I been a better husband, she wouldn't have done it.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
LITB, did she turn into a different person, that showed an anger and coldness that you had never seen before? When the book talks about the "alien", I know that all too well, but I prefer the term "demon" or "monster". I think what happened is that my wife probably cheated on me, and felt so bad and guilty about doing it, that to cope with what she had done, she had to make herself hate me and blame me for what she did, so that she wouldn't have to feel bad about it.
Yep. That is exactly what happened. I'm sorry to have to be that blunt, but you are most likely correct.
Originally Posted By: WshIKnw
You know, had I been a better husband, she wouldn't have done it.
This part though, is total and complete BULLSH*T. We all want to blame ourselves. We say "if we had only done this or only done that". It's bullsh*t. There is no justification or rationalization good enough in the world that makes an affair okay. You need to really, really understand that and internalize that. Nothing you did in your marriage justifies her affair. It is fine to take responsibility for your failings in your marriage. Just don't ever try and pretend to understand why she openly chose to sleep with another man while she was still married.
M-42 W-40 S-12 D-10 Together-13 years Married-10 years Separated-6/2016 ILYBINILWY-7/2016 EA-4/2016 (best guess) PA-7/2016 (best guess)
My neglectfulness didn't justify what she did, but put her in a position to be vulnerable to the temptation to do what she probably did. I do not take blame for her choosing to do it. I take blame for putting her in the position to be interested in doing it. It's something I have to accept to keep this from ever happening again with her or anyone else.
M: 33, W: 30 @BD M 7, T 10 BD: Early Dec W left: Late Dec W got stuff: Late Jan W sent S papers: Mid Feb OM cnfrmd: Late Feb
Pain can yield tremendous growth OR everlasting sadness and bitterness.
That's all we can do unfortunately, take our share, own it and learn from it. One of my issues that I've had to work on is living with too much regret. Wishing I could go back and do things different, not just my M but many aspects of my life. It's a work in progress.
We have to forgive ourselves our mistakes and change the future.
