Not much really going on here, just thought I would journal a bit.
I was looking through my car today and came across where I had put all of my CDs. I was looking through them and found one that my H made me before we got married. I did the worst thing I could do.....I put it in the player and listened to it.
I have not cried like that in a long time It was full of songs that were talking about falling in love, being in love, making a life together, etc. It made me feel like a terrible person.
He really put his heart out there when he made that CD for me. It made me think....."why did I treat him the way I did?" I have owned up to my mistakes in the marriage. Yes I could have been more affectionate, yes I know I could have been a better wife to him. I messed up and now I am paying for it big time.
He was always trying to give me affection and sometimes I would turn away from him. He told me he loved me everyday. When I would tell him I loved him first his face would light up and he would say "that makes me so happy to hear you say that." How could I have treated him that way? How could I not see that all this man wanted was for me to love him. No wonder he looked for affection/words of affirmation from someone else. The one person he wanted it from the most would not give it to him.
I have not spoken to him since our last conversation where he acknowledged the mistakes he made in our marriage. How he was learning to work on himself. How he doesn't think about the A, or have guilt or shame like he used to. How he doesn't think about me.
It was full of songs that were talking about falling in love, being in love, making a life together, etc. It made me feel like a terrible person.
