WH came back. Piecing. Almost at 2 year mark.

[Train]

Blu,

I haven't read through all your threads, but my heart started aching for you ... and for me ... as I read your most recent updates on this one.

H and I are three years into piecing, and I *still* grieve what "was." Like, our favorite movie has always been The Notebook ... since before the *first* A. Now, I get so angry when I flip through the TV and see it's on.

I still grieve. HARD. But it's like you said: some days/weeks/months are better than others. And then - WHAM! - something takes me back. "Triggers" most times.

Quite a bit of what 25 wrote a few posts back stood out to me, especially the parts where she, too, said that - no - she isn't "happier" now.

Let me add this as food for thought: what we're grieving may FEEL like the loss of what we remember as a good, solid, healthy relationship. But clearly it wasn't healthy. It wasn't "good." At least not for our spouses. And *that* is where we can start *our* inner work. We are grieving, as Wonka often points out, the innocence our Rs once had ... and not necessarily the Rs themselves.

Also, fwiw, my H and I, once we entered piecing, made a habit of going out every Saturday. Three years later, we still go out at least every other weekend. Though I've cried through some of those dates, my H has created new memories for me through them: memories of his new-found patience and tenderness, love and understanding. Every time I melt down and he stands there and tells me it's okay, and that he will give me as much space ... or as many reassurances ... as I need, he continues earning and building my trust.

We will still hurt, but we have to keep our eyes open for those steps they're taking. Otherwise, it's too easy to allow the hurt and pain to cause us to overlook baby steps (or even gigantic ones) they're making.

Find the place where you can start with him - somewhere where there's a glimmer of happiness and hope. And then work from there. You might have to stay in one place for a while. That's fine. Have patience with yourself. This process is as much about taking care of you as it is taking care of your M.

(And PS many people - including me - have found themselves right back here after the first BD/A because they/we *didn't* take our time in piecing. We moved too quickly through the motions. So take your time and take heart, okay? )

I wish I had better words of experience and wisdom. But just know, at the very least, that you are absolutely not alone in your feelings. Every day that you make a choice to wake up and try again is a day that you might be closer to finding a NEW normal and a REAL kind of happiness. Even if you *always* grieve what you once thought you had.

Stay strong.