Thank you for taking the time to read and post, everyone. And to all of you invisible readers--I was where you are just a few short years ago. I think if I had started posting when I was a LBS, it could have really helped me. ... I want to address all of you individually.

25, you have given me a lot to think about. Partly, I like the blue print, as it is easy to read your replies:-) ... I soon realized I had a typo, and what I meant to ask is if you were happier before BD not DB. I agree that DB is a life approach and I think there are tools we can use in all of our Rs.

The reason I asked if you were happier now is because I have read/heard that if your M can recover from an A, it can be stronger. I can't seem to get there, but I do agree that I have work to do on the forgiveness process. Plus, even if the M doesn't survive, I don't want to be a scorned woman. I want to genuinely forgive him.

What have I done to help let go of chit/replaying?

I went to IC and we went to MC for a year
Read/posted here
Read books on forgiveness
Learned to "thought stop"
Talked to friends about it
I freely allow sadness and happiness in my life
Focus more on Rs and GAL that are postive
Try to understand how it happened and make sense of it
Try to appreciate his changes and good qualities
Let go of control of sitches & others, including him

It doesn't seem to matter. It always resurfaces. It often doesn't evoke emotions but I can't quite move passed it.

Even if we spend time together and go on dates, feelings of closeness are short lived. I have always been the more type A and initiator in the M. So when you remove that from the equation, he seems sheepish. I am finding this less attractive. I have called him out on it and he says that he is afraid to get close to me as he knows he will keep getting hurt.

The triggers that make me wish he never came back are just the overall feelings of hopelessness. That I know now that I'll be okay without him. I didn't know that before, I was too wounded. I do wonder if I just wanted to win him back and he has asked me that all along. I don't know. What I really want is to feel the way I did about him for all those years. I adored and trusted this man for so long.

I can list so many reasons to make this work. I can't even think of many to leave, but the A alone feels like more than enough. It's just always sitting there.

Blu

“Forgiveness liberates the soul. It removes fear. That is why it is such a powerful weapon.” – Nelson Mandela