WW with affair moved out 4+ weeks ago

[15Stang]

Hi all,
Ugh....
Here is my story-
My wife started an EA probably late 2012/early 2013 that became a PA early 2014. The AP is(was) my best friend. We would spend a lot of time together as families. He and his wife have 2 sons age 16 and 10. We would go on small trips together as couples etc. Wife gave me the ILYBINILWY speech on 4.17.14 and proceed to leave to spend a night with her AP at a hotel. She came back the next day but wasn't broken. A few days later she seemed to become more broken. I received full disclosure about the affair (or so I thought as I question everything now)

We are both Christians and I serve at my church. We started MC and over the next 6 months things were progressing well. What I didn't know is my W was still in contact with her AP. About 4-5 months later she would go meet him for coffee while I was at work. 6 months to the date of BD-1 she confessed she was still seeing him but nothing physical happened like before. (could be lies but I don't believe so) Both me and the OM's W were pretty suspicious about things and I know he was on a very short leash at home. After a lengthy conversation throughout the night she again agreed she needed to stop. The most painful part (and addictive part) for her was the emotional connection she had with her AP.

I thought we had a really good marriage so her cheating caught me by surprise. I could tell in early 2014 something wasn't right and I figured it must be something I have been doing to irritate my W.

The 2nd BD was October 2014. We were still in MC and this MC continued for another 1.25 years. Our last counseling session was in January 2016.

I really thought we were doing well. We were communicating well and working together as a team. We spent most of 2015 growing together as a financial team and paid off over $26,000 of debt. This was due to going through ... Because of this course we no longer argued about money. Money management has been our biggest area of conflict through the first 11 years of our marriage.

This brings me to February 2017. I have been trying to get my W back to MC (together) as I felt like there was something missing between us. It was more of a disconnect for the past 4 months. She didn't want to do MC but overall it seemed like our marriage was healthy. We enjoyed doing things together. She would vent about her new/old job. Her previous employer sold his business to a young couple. They would stress my W out with how they ran the business. Most nights she would come home and vent for about 30-40 minutes. Because of the extra stress sometimes she would have to work late.

On 2.10.17 while I was at work I caught my W in a lie. I received an email notification that my bank account was suspended. About 45 minutes later I received a text from my W that she was getting up for the day. (she doesn't work friday's and usually sleeps in). I contacted her around the lunch hour and she said she had tried accessing our accounts (all of our accounts are joint). I then asked why her 'wake up' text was 40 minutes after my email notification. She assured me she must have forgot text me right away. (She had been doing a great job of keeping me informed and trying to rebuild trust in our marriage after all of the lying) I chose to trust her (stupid... I know).

When I arrived home from work she was gone. Half of the house assets were missing along with a good chunk of $$ from our accounts. I then drove over the the OM's home to see if he had indeed moved out. (we found out through our pastor that her AP was leaving his wife 2 weeks before my W left. I had zero idea she was still in contact with him). When I arrived at the OM's home his W knew exactly why I was there. She didn't know the affair was still active until I showed up. My W's AP help her move out and she moved into his apartment.

Since this was the 3rd time I decided I would not pursue her as I did the first 2 times. I didn't contact her at all. In fact I have never initiated contact with her since she left except for last week. My W called about 4 days later to explain "she couldn't think of a better way to do what she did". She said she has been emotionally detached from me for quite some time and that I was controlling. (it's weird because I have emails from her from after her first affair expressing how drawn to me she has become and how glad she is that I didn't give up on us. They sure seemed real at the time)

I know I won't be able to grasp the rationalization behind her choice as it is all feeling based. The truth is I can be controlling. I have a dominant personality and I would make my wife feel as if her opinion didn't matter. This was especially true for the first 10 years of our marriage. I have changed a lot over the last 3 years since her first affair. MC has helped me become a better person and husband. I've changed to the point were my W told her MIL not to long ago that I'm a different person. She said I no longer yell at her or have a short temper towards her and I'm much more kind and caring.

I met with an attorney the first week she left. After speaking with the OM's W and understanding the complete financial mess they are in I didn't want to be responsible for any debt that my W would rack up during this situation. We have spoken only a few times via text or email. She has completely cut off all of her friends and me. The texts and emails have been about bills, cell phones, car insurance etc.

She has been 100% cold since she left. I don't understand this as we ML 2 days before she left and usually we would ML 2-3 times a week. I didn't notice anything different in the bedroom or how she was treating me. Our conversation was pleasant and ILY's where present all of the time. I know she is very capable of leading a double life. Her lies are very smooth and effortless.

I served her D papers on 3.6.17. I also wrote a letter explaining I would like to reconcile our marriage but that I cannot be a part of an open marriage. (this is the first time I initiated contact) If she wanted to be with someone else I would respect her choice but I could no longer be married to her.

She acquired an attorney on 3.10.17 and is now looking to get more money out of the settlement I proposed. She did email back and basically said we have good times and bad times and that no marriage or person is perfect. She then proceeded to explain to me how I wasn't perfect. All of the things she said have some truth to them. But I struggle with being blamed for her choices. She said the affair 3 years ago wasn't my fault but at the same time she was hurting (which means it was my fault in her eyes).

To end this long post she said she I'm a good man and she never thought she'd be divorcing me but it is what she wants at this time. It is her choice.

I feel powerless to stop this D train. I truly don't want to divorce her but we have zero contact and as long as the AP is in the picture our marriage doesn't stand a chance.
Thanks all,
e