Same Sitch. New Approach... Feeling Good (part 2)

[Chris73]

Hi Gordie.

I had a good week overall. W came back from FL on Thursday evening. I know there would be no evidence to find but it didn't seem like she had the wild week that I'd expected. Seems like she spent most of the time just relaxing. I'm not snooping anymore anyway so it doesn't really matter!

Her mood towards me has been hot and cold down since she's been back. I'd like to attribute some of this to the confusion she's facing right now in figuring out how to deal with me.

It's been about 6 weeks since I changed my approach to interacting with her. My mood is always up around her. I don't bring up our problems anymore. I still initiate most of our conversations but she's been more approachable and sometimes starts a few on her own. I still ask her to do things with me or with us (me & the kids) and she almost always refuses but I don't react negatively to the rejection at all, I just keep trying. Mind you, I'm not being a pest. I don't ask her out on dates every day. Maybe about once/week I'll make a suggestion to do something if she seems in an approachable mood.

The reason I think she's confused is because I'm no longer behaving according to the script that she expects. I'm in a great mood all the time. I've dropped a bunch of weight. I've been working out and looking a bit more chiseled. I re-ignited my passion for playing music which has been missing from my life for close to 10 years and I'm doing a lot more "manly" stuff around the house (and soon, outside of the house... I volunteered to be an assistant coach for my son's upcoming flag football league). This is a total 180 for me.

My favorite part about all of this is that I don't really have to fake my good mood most of the time. The "fake it until you make it" mantra seems to have some merit. It seems like once I've gained some momentum it's a lot easier to keep things moving.

On Saturday after dinner I told her that I was trying to secure the dates for a week at the beach with the kids in August (like we have ALWAYS done EVERY August). I told her that I would like "all of us" to go and then asked, "How do you want to handle this?" She looked like she's seen a ghost and then eventually said, "I'm not prepared to answer that right now." So I simply replied, "Ok, well I'm going to make the plans regardless and you can decide later if you want to come with us." We talked about a few other "business meeting" type things and then she went to the bathroom. When she came out it looked like she had been crying.

On Sunday the kids asked her for the 3rd time why she doesn't want to come to church with us. I didn't say anything this time (in the past I helped her out of this awkward conversation) and she didn't have much to say either. The question just kind of "hung out there."

Lately I've been feeling really bad for her. I can tell she's conflicted about the marriage. And even if she IS having second thoughts about leaving, it has to be really hard to deal with those feelings when she's been convincing herself for more than a year now that it's the right decision for her. It's a matter of pride and stubbornness. She's invested so heavily in justifying her current selfish lifestyle based on our marriage history and my behavior over the past 10 years. But now I'm not acting like that anymore. And every once in a while she lets her guard down and I can tell that she still enjoys my company despite what she's told me.

Since my attitude change has only been for 6 weeks I would assume that she just thinks I'm trying to manipulate her into changing her mind. That I'll regress back to my old ways eventually. And that was probably true 6 months ago, but it isn't anymore. I love her very much, but every day I'm getting more comfortable with the idea that I don't need her to be happy. I'm becoming a better man, husband, father. And someone will reap the benefits. Right now I still hope it will be her...