S and I had a wonderful weekend. I wish it was longer. The weather in our neck of the woods was absolutely beautiful. We spent so much time outside looking for bugs, sticks, and rocks while listening to the birds sing.
On Saturday we went to a children's museum. S seemed overwhelmed with all there was to do, but he enjoyed it nonetheless. H asked to come along and I said okay. We had lunch afterward and overall it was very pleasant.
On Sunday we just putzed around the house. I am learning to color my own hair so I did that while S napped. I don't have the patience or time (and if we divorce, probably $$$) to get it done in a salon. I think it looks okay. I hadn't had the courage to do it until now so I am glad I faced this mini challenge.
My EMDR session on Friday was pretty intense. I think I am learning more about my childhood experiences. So far I have discovered a deep feeling that anytime something goes wrong in a personal relationship, it is all my fault. No matter what had happened, I feel the need to shoulder the responsibility and take the blame.
For example, one of the beatings I received from my mother involved a piece of clothing that I had altered without her permission, then I lied about it. She had warned me not to do it, but I did it anyway. She beat the stuffing out of me. During the beating I now remember my sister scrambling around us trying to hide things she could use to continue to beat me. Objectively, her punishment was extreme. Subjectively, I altered the clothing and lied about it so I deserved what I got. I have some work to do!!!
I am finding that I disdain the sound of the text message and email alerts on H's phone. Internally I cringe when I hear them. My mind immediately starts thinking it's from one of his OW. I feel like I am a dog in an experiment.
Some more PA behavior this morning. My alma mater made it into the NCAA tournament. H commented about it this morning and I replied, yes, but they probably won't make it too deep. His response was "you never know." To which I validated and said "yes, that's why they play the games." In my mind I thought, they haven't got a snowball's chance in he!! to make it to the Final Four.
I need to vent. I feel like he was just being a contrarian or he just cannot ever validate anything I say, do, or feel. During football season, the exact same conversation took place except the roles were reversed. I made the "you never know" comment when he complained his team wouldn't make it into the playoffs. One minute he is a pessimist, the next an optimist? I fee like he just takes the opposite view from me to try to provoke an argument. Ugh.
