The biggest thing I learnt about myself is how much I lost myself in the 2 moves I made. That is what I have worked on a lot over the past year.
The first move was to be with her in her country, I didn't have the paperwork at the beginning and ended up being almost 2 years out of work. I had given up the sport I played, that I was passionate about but wasn't played where she lived. I moved into her life, her friends of which most spoke the native language, they spoke English too but often the conversations were in the other language. When I would sit close to W so she could translate, she would do it for a bit but then get frustrated that I was in her space too much.
During this time, I also lost my grandmother who I was very close too. I didn't go home but on the night she died, my W went out partying with her friends getting drunk and got home at 4am. Then when I was pi$$ed off about it, she told me I should have gone home (a sentiment she still holds to today). My gut at the time told me to go home and not look back, I chose to stay and make it work... This was also after we spent many weekends at her grandmothers as she was dying of cancer. I would carry her grandmother from the bedroom to the main room so she could be with everyone. I had various members of the family crying on my shoulder at the funeral.
I can understand the feeling of a good person doing a bad thing, in a fog, never really loved me etc.... I believe she may have loved me in some way, what way that is or was, my only thoughts are as long as we were there for her we worked. Yet if I needed that person to lean on, she let me fall time and again...
I have read a great article recently about moving abroad for love... It ran true in so many ways, how moving for love can make you miserable. I was for many periods. Moving from family, friends, the support network, the things you know... If the person you move for won't or can't understand this, then often it causes damage. I was the 'husband' that moved for my wifes career, how often do we see the movies where the wives are all huddled together at the business get togethers. I was often with the wives.... or on my own.... The difference is, I wasn't the spoilt husband with the presents etc if you know what I mean...
The advice I can give you.... is you are stronger than you know. It's really hard to get going, I know this but remember the courage you had to move, you have that same courage to get out there and meet people. Look for meetups, etc.
I understand the feeling of wanting to go home, it is my kids that keep me here. If I could move them, I would in a heartbeat. I still struggle from time to time but I look at what I have done and remember the strength I have. My father and I talk often, he clips me round the ear when I wallow too much and praises what I have done. How I am with my kids, how I am getting out and meeting different people.
I joined an expat group and am meeting people doing the same as me, living in a country that is not home along with locals. Is there something like that where you are?
I'll help you in anyway I can, if you have any questions, just ask...
if you know what I mean...
