This much I know is true

[25yearsmlc]

- Think long and hard before outing A... In my case, I immediately posted text messages between OM and WW on my and WW Facebook pages. I was angry and wanted revenge. It took me about 3 minutes to realize that it was a bad idea and told my WW so she could delete the post.


FWIW, I cannot imagine a scenario in which outing the A would help the LBSer.

1) It rarely helps to create a reconciliation or at least one that lasts, b/c shame was the tool forming the basis of the recon. Spouses are not shamed into staying in a marriage, for long.

And 2) only a few states allow adultery as grounds for D, but even when it's grounds for D, it does not affect property settlement and it's not needed for CS issues.

(I'm not talking about protecting our children from a WAS who open ML in front of the kids, or exposes them to too much intimate "turmoil" with OPs.). BTW, Outing the affair is generally not part of MWD's approach.

This is not to say we should ever cover or lie for our spouse to have an affair.

Let me emphasize that for clarity. I am not supporting that any LBSer covers for her spouse's affair(s). Or enable them.


Had I not done that, I truly believe my current reconciliation would not be happening.

I totally agree.

If you want to out the AP to their spouse, is that gonna free up both AP's to be with each other? I only told one person, and that was only so that I had someone to talk to, which I needed. But I assured their secrecy before telling.


YES it tends to push them into each others' arms. And I think we have to tell someone, so we don't explode. "Losing our $hit" is not helping anyone.

When outing the A pushes the WAS into the arms of the AP, they can be "right" about the affair- and not cave into the shame that is usually the aim of the outing. Maybe not consciously, but hey, I really do understand the urge to lash out. The sense of betrayal would be literally sickening.

You are wise to note the risk. I think there are many short lived 2nd m's that were the result of feeling so embarrassed and publicly humiliated by the exposure of their affair, that the WAS felt their only choice was to marry the AP. To prove that they were not bad people to cheat, but b/c they "really loved/needed" the AP.

I know 2 who admitted that they felt cornered into marrying the Affair Partners. Strange, when you contemplate it.

Stand your ground with boundaries - Letting WS knowing what is and what is not ok with you is critical. My sitch turned the corner when I clearly stated what I was not ok with and what the consequences would be, it was the first time that my WW reacted to anything I said.

I think this^^ is part of all healthy piecing. Probably all healthy r's when you think about it.