have no clue how my wife introduces her OM. They work together and people there know they are together. It kills me. I even know that my wife introduced OM to her sister before Thanksgiving. How's that go? Hey sis, here's my boyfriend that my hubby doesn't know about. I'm hoping OM will be at thanksgiving next year and current hubby will no longer be in the picture.
Remember, blood is thicker than water. I would imagine that the SIL knew of the OM much, much longer than you are aware of. It is what it is, my friend. Not your monkey, not your circus.
Jeep may be right. And most WS feel that once separated, dating is fine. Or should I say "openly dating". The families are hard to assess.
When my oldest brother was dating 2 women (not married to either) my siblings and I did not go along with pretending one of them didn't exist when he was with the other. We liked each woman, but it was insane for him to expect us to avoid some topics, etc.
It was very inconvenient for him...but we were not going to cover/lie b/c he couldn't deal. Both women loved him, and he was incredibly pathologically conflict avoidant.
So You never know what the family's are dealing with. When there are children, there is also the underlying fear of losing contact, as well.
Sara, I'm so sorry you are in this, and trying so hard. As for the custody issue, just b/c the court awards 50% custody does not mean your h will use it all up. Over time, most (not all) men won't keep up the half time parenting. They don't want to pay CS, but they often don't fully use the visitation, for whatever reasons.
SIGH....What you're describing sounds like a marriage that is Not meeting many of your needs. Understandably You're worried your h isn't in the marriage with both feet. It's a reasonable concern.
But you want what you once had. I get that. And I think it's possible.
I just think it takes a lot more work on your h's end than he's showing. And there may be a fear in him that "even if" he does ALL that work, you won't definitively love and see him the same way as you did...which is probably the way it is.
That's not your problem, assuming you are not throwing the A in his face or seething in front of him. Mostly it's incomprehensible stuff in him. Check Bluwave's thread out for how hard piecing is. I'm not sure your h could handle the truth of the damage he's done. And I'm not positively sure you should tell him.
(*I really am not sure. It's complicated).
Maybe you can list 3 things that it would take for you to know he's really in this. Then at least your main task would be solely on forgiveness. That is hard enough.
But you would be less haunted by the fear that if you turn the cheek, you'll get slapped again.
And maybe (??) down down the road, you can list 1-3 things that would make you choose another path. Just for clarity, so you'll know you have deal breakers you can and will enforce. And you'd know for sure that one way or the other, the limbo would end.
Just some thoughts.
M: 57 H: 60 M: 35 yrs S30,D28,D19 H off to Alaska 2006 Recon 7/07- 8/08 *2016* X = "ALASKA 2.0" GROUND HOG DAY I File D 10/16 OW DIV 2/26/2018 X marries OW 5/2016
