WW, wlc, Waw or What?

[Btrow]

Thanks for the replies. I’ll try to keep my story short even though I easily could write 50000 words regarding it.

Me: 46 XW: 40 T: 20 M: 13 D: 10 D: 8 D: 3 BD 12. Nov. 2016 D: 15. Dec. 2016 XW: moved out 1. jan 2017

I always thought my marriage was good. No abuse of any sorts, mental or physical, just a loving M and family. As in all families, a couple of minor arguments here and there off course, but no major issues. In fact looking back at the last year, in my mind (and I mean it) it has been one of the best for a long time (not that there was anything wrong before).

The last couple of months since BD have obviously been terrible, and not really knowing why I got divorced in the first place, I’ll just try to assume there has been OM involved for a long period, and base my post on that assumption. XW never gave me a proper explanation, just a text reply with “deep down you know it hasn’t been good for a long time (in periods, yes) I care deeply for you, but not as my husband”. Well, I did not know. Not even deep down.

Back in April, XW went on a 3 day non work related trip with some co-workers. Male and female. No big deal, as there are many young people at her workplace, so I suppose trips like that are nothing out of the ordinary. I have not been jealous or “nervous” about my XW once in 20 years, but this one was different. When she got back, I simply had to check her phone. I had the opportunity the day after she came back and I checked her Facebook and found a “secret” group for her co-workers. There were some videos and some pictures, and in one of the videos where all of them are dancing on their chairs, it appeared some guy attempted to kiss my XW. She rejected, but whether that was because she did not want to or because it was being filmed, I have no idea. There were also some pictures and he always sat next to her or stood by her side. I confronted her, and naturally, she was disappointed that I had checked, but that was just a co-worker, almost 20 years older than she was, and the reason they were side by side on most of the pictures she explained was due to the fact that he was the one of the co-workers she had the most in common with. “What looked like an attempted kiss, was because he tripped”

Yeah crazy right, me nervous about my 39 year old XW and a dude almost 60…

Fast forward to the summer, and my W 40 birthday. Friends, family and co-workers invited. OM was placed at the table right beside ours, and directly facing my XW. When confronted the next day, off course it was coincidental. In fact, during that talk, I started crying voicing my concerns over my family. I have NO idea why I felt so threatened by that guy. Looking back, there wasn’t a whole lot of emotions from XW, I might as well have told the story to the postman, and his reaction to my tears would probably have been similar..

Fast forward to October, my XW suddenly started acting distant, and hugs and kisses slowly disappeared. Even emoticons in texts vanished. One night I “jumped” onto her in bed (knowing nothing would happen) she rejected me with an “I’m just not in the mood at the moment”. I rolled over, went out to smoke 30 minutes later (I didn’t smoke regularly back then) but she followed shortly after and told me to come back inside “it has nothing to do with what we talked about in the summer”. Well, why would she think that was my concern? We hadn’t discussed OM since then, so..

(I remember things being normal between April and October but maybe my memory fails me here - we had sex on a regular basis up until middle september, not only on my initiative)

I know I should have talked to her about it, but I simply panicked (due to, well you know...) hoping things would get back to normal. 11/12 I had enough and asked her what was going on. She told me she did not have any feelings for me any longer. No OM. I asked if it was something we could work on, which we could not so I told her to inform the kids the next day that mummy and daddy were divorcing. And she did… Without any sort of emotions from her. All three kids (and daddy) were in tears, but mummy was cold.

Next couple of days were obviously difficult, but we lived in the same house for one week and then agreed that the environment wasn’t healthy for the kids and we started living there one week shifts. I lived with a brother and she sort of lived with, yes you guessed it, OM. A nearby hotel has some rooms in his building which I suppose they are using when the normal rooms are full. He has access to those as he does some work for them. Allegedly, she lived in one of those rooms. Or at least, so she told me later.

A couple of days after BD, I got at text from MIL’s spouse. “Shocked, that came out of nowhere. I have been where you are, and you have the right to keep your dignity. I didn’t find out until much later” + some more irrelevant stuff. His XW left him 10 years ago for AP whom she had had an A with for years.. Whether he referred to being dumped or betrayed, I never asked. Would not put him in that position.

Looking back there might have been warning signs. Late September XW and coworkers had a party (they have 6-8 of those per year) and she did not come home until 6.45 AM. It was on a weekday so I had to take the kids to school so didn’t really have time to talk to her, but weekday parties aren’t that uncommon for them as they often work weekends meaning they have weekdays off, now and then. 6.45 AM was very late, but nothing extreme I thought, as she normally went out until 0500-0600 when partying with the coworkers. But for the first time in ages she didn’t come home the least “drunk”. Completely sober. I quickly forgot about it though as life was normal late September… Had I been on Facebook back then I would probably have wondered about the “poem” XW put up there 3 or 4 days after that party. Something in the lines of “cherish the moment, tomorrow it will only be a memory”. The next day she posted something almost identical. And off course, the phone... At some point during the summer, she suddenly had to take it with her in the shower to listen to music.. One of her friends got D a couple of months before us (from an old friend of mine) so maybe the phone was untouchable due to them texting her matters, I don't know.

I have more indications that she was involved with OM, but as mentioned initially, I could go on forever with my story.
XW got her own place 1. January and I kept the martial home. Kids are shared 50/50. I have them every other week. Me and XW didn’t really see each other more than 2-3 times between BD and moving out date, but she never admitted any relations with OM. Until late January, she sent me a mail that her “blooming friendship” with OM had evolved into something more after D. But that she never cheated on me and had done nothing wrong. As mentioned in my original post in this thread, I am not even sure she knows that a blooming friendship is an EA. So she probably admitted without realizing herself. They might have gone PA late September, but I am guessing here. I have other intel that indicates no PA until late December.

I have always been a great parent, and probably added 50 % since D, as I have to show my kids 2 weeks of love and fun in only one week (does that make sense?). So that part is no need for worry.

Would I take her back if she came? I’m probably not strong enough to reject her just yet, if that would be the right choice. But eventually I will be. Her life would be terrible if she became single. In her kids weeks, she probably cannot socialize other than child related stuff. In the non-kids weeks, I think she is working 6 days 1400-2100 PM 4 or 5 of those. That’s not a life when you are alone, is it? The thing is. I don’t get that relationship… I have no problems with age gap relationships, but him probably being single for years and now he’s dating a single mom with 3 very little kids.

I don’t think he spends much time at XW house when the kids are there, probably all days when the kids are with me, so the nature of their relationship I have no clue on. Maybe he’s just taking advantage of a lonely single mother, maybe its true love. Who knows.


I originally joined this board to find advice on how to handle XW. Learned a lot from Sandis threads regarding waywards, but I’m not so sure XW checks too many of the wayward boxes. She has been relatively normal throughout the process, and she even cried a couple of times back in November, hugging me and wouldn’t let go. To be honest, I am not even sure she was 100 % certain her decision to leave was the right one. That doesn’t sound like MLC or waywardness, does it?

In conclusion, I am doing ok. Obviously, this is hard, and missing my kids every other week doesn’t make things any easier. XW worked before BD evenings 2-3 times pr. week and one weekend shift, so I have been a lot alone with the kids over the years, which is probably making me miss them even more.

I have been going dark since late November and never once asked her to reconsider. Never begged, cried or anything. Well yes when she told the kids, but they were the reason I cried back then.

Originally, we agreed to “borrow” the kids one afternoon in the other persons week, but since I in hindsight realized that would confuse them even more, I managed to persuade XW to cancel that arrangement. I drop the kids of at school Monday morning, and pick them up again next Monday afternoon. So I more or less don’t have to see XW. We exchange an email on child matters on Sundays, that’s all. I have no doubt that she would love a cup of coffee with me every week to “discuss child matters” and she even suggested in December that we could eat together, the 5 of us, every other Sunday. Which of course, will never happen..

A couple more pointers on how to put XW in a position of thinking “what did I do” would be appreciated. Not that I necessarily would take her back, I’d just like the option..
I will work on worrying less on what is going on over there, and more on what is going on over here.

I have picked up an old passion of mine (running), I am going to sport events, going out with friends, making new ones etc. In addition to that, I have a large house that needs maintenance all year long. So I don’t have to sit on the couch every night, although some days I still choose to. I have no problems with the ladies, so love will certainly find me again someday. When I am ready.

I will get through this eventually.