Sandi2 or Starsky309..advice on Wayward Husband

[Gal522]

Okay, thanks for getting back with your story. I have several questions, b/c I think I got a little confused reading your post. What are the ages of you and H? Do you have just the one child?

This is just a shot in the dark, but did your H start out in gospel music? The reason I ask is b/c you mentioned how your faith was the bond between you. Some musicians who begin in gospel, will cross over to secular entertainment.......and then fall away from their faith to embrace a wordly lifestyle..

I’m 36 and H is 34. We have 2 kids, I had D in 2012, immediately after the TV talent show, right before the first separation. I nearly had her in the hospital alone because H was out partying and too hungover to drive. Fortunately, my labor was long enough that he sobered up and made it to see her delivery but immediately left to go to a show.

Not gospel. We were non-beleivers when we met and dedicated our lives a year into our marriage. He started in church and then crossed over to secular entertainment.

Trying to keep the road home smooth, we didn't go to counseling nor did we come to terms about how things would be different.

How do you picture keeping the road home paved smoothly?

From what I interpreted here, that meant making the transition home easy. And it was, provided that we avoided counseling, discussing the behaviors that led to the breakdown of the M, discussing boundaries and mutual needs. I felt like reconciling was presented as: You already know how I am, my work, my habits, etc. You know what you’re getting into and being with me (the new H) means accepting it. And I did, for my children, for my faith, and my values, I did.

We would have disagreements about it, he acknowledged his actions were wrong, but he also defended them saying that I need to understand that there's nothing wrong with "going out" and that all of his friends are in the nightlife industry and that's the only way he can see them, he doesn't have a normal schedule and that I would be happier with someone like that, he needs to be with someone that understands him.

He is not defending his lifestyle..........he is telling you that he chooses it over what you want. It sounds as if he has an attitude of "like it or lump it" and does whatever he wants. I can see the benefits he gets from staying in the M, but I am not seeing what you get out of it.

And I wonder this often too—what’s in it for me. Maybe I’m holding onto someone who is long gone.

What I have asked for is communication

I see a couple of reasons it has become a chore for him. 1). He doesn't want you knowing what all he's doing. 2). He sees you prying into his "personal" business (that he keeps separated from his M and family. In addition, the two you are basically living separate lives. Other than your son, what do you have in common?

At present, just our children and work. We used to be very family oriented, plugged into church, but he has completely changed his lifestyle.

Throughout the reconciliation, I would express my concerns and then "dropped the rope" to save our relationship, but I became a doormat.

How do you interpret "drop the rope”?

If we would have a disagreement, I would eventually stop arguing and give in. For example, I didn’t think it was a great idea to join a Country Club because of our financial sitch. He insisted he needed it to network and build business relationships. I gave in. As I type these words, I see how I enabled him and created a monster. I wouldn't give in to my kids if they were throwing a fit, but for some reason I couldn’t stand up to my H. I feared that he would react by cheating again or leave. Anytime he didn’t get his way or I would pull back, it became, "you don’t understand me or my life” or “you’re not accepting me”.

So, here are my goals. These are signs that H is interested in working on M.

The goals are all about him. How do you set goals for someone else?

You’re right. These are not goals. More or less observations of H’s actions. They are 180s for him and I didn’t want to dismiss his effort. I need to work on my goals.

But, now I'm confused. We spoke on the phone today, H kept going on and on about how I don't understand him--his work, his lifestyle, his friends. I said that I could see why he would feel that way, and that I try my best to understand his sitch. I've been doing a good job with DBing apparently because he feels like I'm shutting him out.

I realize I am just hearing your side of the story, but it sure sounds like he's throwing you a bunch of excuses.

[quote]He again blames me for his bad behavior because I asked him to leave. In many ways I feel like he is doing everything to destroy our M without physically filing, because he is too chicken to do anything. I can also see that he knows what needs to be done to make things right, but he's just too stubborn to do it.

Do you know that men who abuse women say the same thing? He is responsible for his own behavior, and nobody can cause him to behave badly. Those are clearly his choices. It concerns me just a little, some of the things you have said in your posts. Sometimes a spouse will cover the other one. He is not "chicken" or "too stubborn" to behave like a mature man who has a wife and kids. I think you need to watch his actions and not his words.

You’re right. I need to observe his actions which is hard to do. We rarely interact because he travels so much. He asks about the kids about once a week.