Not sure where I am so no title!

[Coly23]

Roist, Ginger, FG, thank you so much for dropping in.

I've not been posting much because I really don't know what to say or think any anymore. My emotions are still all very the place although not as bad as they have been I do find myself spinning quite often. However Ive been reading all your threads but not commenting much as I really don't have any wise words at the moment.

Riost - I really wouldn't know how to channel my anger and that is why I suppress it a lot. When I was young I had quite a bad temper although a lot of it was borne out of frustration being the middle child of a large family I was left out a lot. During my late teens I learned how to control my temper although every now and again when I become frustrated it does rear its to ugly head but otherwise I keep it bay. To me anger brings back memories of me losing my temper and I just don't want to go there. I know once I lose it, it will be ugly!

Ginger, I realise how fake I have been acting but this whole situation is fake to me. How do I act around my own husband who doesn't live with me anymore? DB says don't do R talk, don't talk too much, don't ask too many questions, be upbeat when they are around. It's exhausting to try to find the real me in amongst all those different faces I have to wear!

When H came over on Wednesday I really wasn't in the mood as I was a bit under the weather but it seemed the quieter I was the more upbeat H became! Over compensating? Today before he came over I decided to think of it as him just coming home from work rather than him visiting us and it worked to help me relax and both me and D noticed how very relaxed H was tonight. You are right though he can probably sense me over acting!

Journaling - so H is still coming over twice a week. The only communication we have is when he tells me his availability for that week or when he wants to know what food we want to order in.

Last week H came over and stayed the night with my D as I had to go away for work. He was really poorly to the point that my D called me the next morning to say that he could hardly stand and she was frightened he was going to collapse. I called him straight away and he did sound quite bad with cold and flu but he stayed and slept in my bed for the rest of the day rather than going back to his flat.

I'm still doing my exercise at least 5 times a week and really enjoying it and seeing and feeling the difference to! I got ID when I bought a bottle of wine today that made me smile!

I may have mentioned before but I've taken all my wedding pictures down and just left one picture of the three of us from our honeymoon. I noticed the last few times that H has been over that he stares at that picture every now and again and he does it quite openly. I asked my D if maybe that picture annoys him or if he is reminiscing or If he is thinking how much slimmer he looked! I don't know what is going through his head and may never!

FG, just read your signature. So sorry about being D now... :0(