Sandi2 or Starsky309..advice on Wayward Husband

[sandi2]

Okay, thanks for getting back with your story. I have several questions, b/c I think I got a little confused reading your post. What are the ages of you and H? Do you have just the one child?

This is just a shot in the dark, but did your H start out in gospel music? The reason I ask is b/c you mentioned how your faith was the bond between you. Some musicians who begin in gospel, will cross over to secular entertainment.......and then fall away from their faith to embrace a wordly lifestyle.

Trying to keep the road home smooth, we didn't go to counseling nor did we come to terms about how things would be different.

How do you picture keeping the road home paved smoothly?

We would have disagreements about it, he acknowledged his actions were wrong, but he also defended them saying that I need to understand that there's nothing wrong with "going out" and that all of his friends are in the nightlife industry and that's the only way he can see them, he doesn't have a normal schedule and that I would be happier with someone like that, he needs to be with someone that understands him.

He is not defending his lifestyle..........he is telling you that he chooses it over what you want. It sounds as if he has an attitude of "like it or lump it" and does whatever he wants. I can see the benefits he gets from staying in the M, but I am not seeing what you get out of it.

What I have asked for is communication

I see a couple of reasons it has become a chore for him. 1). He doesn't want you knowing what all he's doing. 2). He sees you prying into his "personal" business (that he keeps separated from his M and family. In addition, the two you are basically living separate lives. Other than your son, what do you have in common?

Throughout the reconciliation, I would express my concerns and then "dropped the rope" to save our relationship, but I became a doormat.

How do you interpret "drop the rope"?

So, here are my goals. These are signs that H is interested in working on M.

The goals are all about him. How do you set goals for someone else?

But, now I'm confused. We spoke on the phone today, H kept going on and on about how I don't understand him--his work, his lifestyle, his friends. I said that I could see why he would feel that way, and that I try my best to understand his sitch. I've been doing a good job with DBing apparently because he feels like I'm shutting him out.

I realize I am just hearing your side of the story, but it sure sounds like he's throwing you a bunch of excuses.

He again blames me for his bad behavior because I asked him to leave. In many ways I feel like he is doing everything to destroy our M without physically filing, because he is too chicken to do anything. I can also see that he knows what needs to be done to make things right, but he's just too stubborn to do it.

Do you know that men who abuse women say the same thing? He is responsible for his own behavior, and nobody can cause him to behave badly. Those are clearly his choices. It concerns me just a little, some of the things you have said in your posts. Sometimes a spouse will cover the other one. He is not "chicken" or "too stubborn" to behave like a mature man who has a wife and kids. I think you need to watch his actions and not his words.