So Confused and Conflicted (4)

[WshIKnw]

One thing that I don't discuss much on the forums, is that I was dating someone at the time. I wasn't doing it to change my sitch. I had moved on and was excited about the future. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it didn't play a role in changing my circumstances.

So, you believe that dating did or didn't have an effect on your wife wanting to stay with you?

I don't see a problem with dating, while wanting your spouse back, as long as you make it clear to who you are dating that you want your spouse back. The only thing I'm not sure about is whether or not it can actually ever hurt your chances of getting your spouse back. I'm sure it can help. I just don't know whether there are times when it can hurt.

[brizz]

brizz, are you a "cheat and we're done" person, or did you file for divorce to wake up your wife?

I guess I was at the time. I certainly see it's not so black and white now. Until you go through this you kind of see these situations as someone cheating means they're this awful, terrible person right to their core. But while someone can certainly act that way while in their fog, they can come out of it and realize how wrong they were. It's tough.

Filing made my W mad. Very mad. She told me on Sunday that she was meeting with a lawyer and was thinking she didn't want a divorce, like it sunk into her a bit and she had doubts. Then her lawyer saw my filing that had just posted online and she said that made it easier for her. So it may have been the opposite of a wake up call. There's so many different divergent paths things can go based on the decisions you make that you can drive yourself crazy thinking about them.

[LITB]

It DID play a role. You have to realize this was 3 years post BD. There was a significant amount of self-improvement between these milestones. A lot took place over the course of that time.

I hope this isn't the only thing you took away from my post to you.

[Dawgs]

But while someone can certainly act that way while in their fog,

Going to have to disagree with that. Affairs are thought out decisions.

Filing made my W mad. Very mad. She told me on Sunday that she was meeting with a lawyer and was thinking she didn't want a divorce, like it sunk into her a bit and she had doubts. Then her lawyer saw my filing that had just posted online and she said that made it easier for her. So it may have been the opposite of a wake up call. There's so many different divergent paths things can go based on the decisions you make that you can drive yourself crazy thinking about them

It pissed mine off to no end that I did it. However, it was the out she was looking for and gave her an excuse. I filed because I was forced to.

[KevinIn]

It pissed mine off to no end that I did it. However, it was the out she was looking for and gave her an excuse. I filed because I was forced to.

I'll chime in with my thoughts on this in ~12 months.

[MoveFrwd]

There's so many different divergent paths things can go based on the decisions you make that you can drive yourself crazy thinking about them.

THIS is why the advice here is so heavily slanted at focusing on what is best for YOU. Theres no way to predict this ahead of time.

So doing things like filing for divorce or dating shouldnt be as a maneuver to get some kind of reaction from W. It should be about what is best for YOU.

[Dawgs]

So doing things like filing for divorce or dating shouldnt be as a maneuver to get some kind of reaction from W. It should be about what is best for YOU.

If there ever was a time to m*fing this, this is it.

[Gordie]

I have a feeling your marriage is going to make it, Gordie.

Ummm...why do you feel that way?

[WshIKnw]

So I will ask you again. What have you been doing with your time to make changes within yourself?

Well, since I began trying to improve myself, probably back in January, I have not yet cut my hair. I'm not 100% sure that I want to cut it. I'm probably at like 70%. It's just hard to get rid of something I've had for 15 years, especially when I don't know what the heck I want to do with my hair.

My biggest change is my appreciation for my wife. All I needed was a good kick in the butt in order for me to fix 90% of her laundry list of complaints. She never wanted to do that, though. She just wanted to keep complaining and acting like she was happy. It's hard to want to make someone happier that already seems happy. So, 90% of her complaints are fixed, just by that. Unfortunately, her kick in the butt seems to be intended to be a terminal kick in the butt. I guess she is okay with the fruits of her suffering and labor being enjoyed by another woman. She says she doesn't believe in ultimatums, yet gave me one in 2007, when she got back with me after almost breaking up with me, and that ultimatum got me off that zombifying antidepressant that I was on, that was so hard for me to get off of, which really improved my life tremendously (to get off of), and my dad has always praised and praised her for that.

As far as getting out more and having more of a social life, I'd be super willing now to do that more with her without complaining any, but she has removed the opportunity. And two of the guys that she was trying to make us "couple friends" with, I quite liked, but they won't talk to me now, because I wasn't close enough to them, and their wives are in her circle. (Tangent: No one in her circle will hardly talk to me. I wish I knew how much of that was due to them thinking I'm a piece of feces or just due to them not wanting to get involved. Losing half of my world of people makes me feel like such a hated human being, even though I don't really know that they dislike me. I just don't know how much she has taken a dump on me towards them. And when people hear only one side of the story... Unless she has lied, which I mostly doubt she has, I can tell you that they haven't heard anything about me cheating on her, drinking, smoking, doing drugs, gambling, drunk driving, getting in trouble with the law, like stealing, embezzling, or losing my job, or running around being wild, or beating her or being violent with anyone else, etc.. All they should be hearing about are typical rookie husband mistakes -- mistakes that she put up with for a very long time, while acting and professing to be happily married, sending me the message that they weren't that bad.)

Back to making friends and getting out, it would be a whole lot easier if I had friends. She was my only real friend. I have a good relationship with my coworkers, but I don't hang out with them, and don't really want to, except maybe with the older ones, but they are too old probably. If she were still helping me to make friends, it would be pretty easy. So, now I've got it much harder. I've made one friend, who recently got divorced, and was a "couple friend" that my wife and I tried to have, but she had a falling out with his wife a few years ago. He acted desperate to be friends with me at first. Then acted like he didn't want to be friends. Then acted like he did. And now I think he might be acting like he doesn't again. So, I don't know what is up with this guy. I've mostly been hanging out with my dad, stepmom, and mom to have company. A co-worker suggested that I go sit in a bar by myself (among other suggestions), but acted like he didn't want to hang out with me. That's fine. I don't really want to hang out with him, honestly. I'm not someone that will ever need as many friends as my wife has. I think 1 or 2 good friends would be enough. The problem is, though, when you are dating, the more people you know the better. The more gatherings you can get invited to with single ladies, the better. Ugh, I hate thinking about dating and being with someone other than my wife.

I've been working on my looks and my health. I have made good progress on that. Today, I was at a weight that I haven't seen since the summer of 2007, when I was still on an antidepressant and was having lunch with co-workers every day. The weight wasn't muscle, like it is now. And I had a little pouch of fat developing on my belly, that is typical of men in my family. Now I'm up to that same weight, but there's no pouch. So, a good portion of it must be muscle. I've been trying to lift weights 3 days a week, and lift heavy (with few reps). Lately, I have been slacker, since I received the separation papers, and became a bit demotivated. But seeing that high weight this morning really perked me up and has motivated me. My wife used to not be able to comfortably lay her head on my chest, because it was so boney. Now there is some meat and padding there. I am now only about 5 pounds below the lowest range of healthy weight for my height. I have gained 9 pounds since I was at my lowest shortly after BD. I am trying to get out in the sun more, but haven't been very successful with that. I tend to get to work so late, because of rough mornings, that by the time I get home, it's getting dark or already dark. So, I can only get sun on the weekends, as long as that continues. I am also considering treatment for acne scar reduction. My wife thought I was handsome, but she was such a rare breed in being an attractive woman that was interested in me. So, I'm afraid that most women won't think I'm so handsome. They didn't seem to before I met her. The most important thing is confidence, and if improving my appearance makes me feel confident, then that will help tremendously with the ladies. I am scared that procedures like laser resurfacing or micro-needling could make me look worse.

As far as getting out more, I still haven't figured out something to do that I want to do. I have thought about getting a motorcycle. I figured it would help me deal with fear, and would impress the hell out of my wife, but I think I should hold off until I am in a more stable emotional state, driving with less emotion. I also thought it would help to build forearm and hand muscle, because I have heard of people's arms getting sore after riding a lot. I have also thought about getting a pilot's license to help counter fearfulness. I have interest in aviation, and given my job, I have a lot of knowledge already in the area. That would also floor my wife to hear that was working on a pilot's license, but it's expensive. The funny thing is, is that with her gone, my anxiety has been replaced by depression. So, I'm not as scared of things like I was when she knew me, and don't care as much about my safety. But if she came back, the depression would probably turn back into anxiety, and I would probably be scared to continue to do these things, unless I had just gotten very used to them. It's kind of a trick I could use to my advantage, just to trick her into coming back. When she discovers my anxiety returns with her return, I will be acting so much better towards her, that that will probably offset any disappointment with my anxiety returning. If I fix 90% of her problems with me, then she might tolerate the last 10% that is hard for me to fix, which is the anxiety (which when she is gone, is instead depression). But I will continue working on the anxiety/depression.

I'm trying to figure out the anxiety/depression issue, that is much stronger in the morning. I suspect it is due to my low weight and lack of fat on my body, causing low blood sugar, especially in the morning, when I have gone without eating for a long time over night. I am trying various supplements, like B vitamins, to see whether I have a deficiency. I plan to start taking Omega 3 again soon, with my B complex, and I might do a little iron as well, just in case of any anemia.

I think that about covers the ways in which I'm trying to improve myself. I have of course done a lot of reading about relationships, mostly here on this forum and in Divorce Remedy, but in other books as well. I plan to start reading an anxiety workbook that I told my wife I would read and send her notes and worksheet photographs of, to prove that I'm going through the book. I told her that probably two months ago. I haven't started on that yet, because I thought it was more important that I read about relationships at the time. And she didn't seem to give a d4mn one way or the other whether I did it or not. Since BD, she has seemed to care less and less about what I do or don't do, unless it involves something she wants, like separation papers signed. I'm surprised I haven't heard from her at all yet about why I haven't responded yet with anything on the papers. If I start sending her notes on the anxiety book, I will only send one email to her about it, and just give her access to view the notes online, as I continue adding notes to the folder I give her access to.

I would say I'm not doing that great on improving myself. I am happy with the weight gain, though. I have read that I should expect to gain about 1 to 2 pounds of muscle per month, and that seems to be about what I'm doing, and that's with me being pretty slack for the last 3 weeks. I use whey and creatine powders. I wonder what I could do if I stuck to my 3 or 4 times a week, and did that creatine powder every day, because I have barely been drinking it. It would seem that I might could pull off 3 or 4 pounds a month. I don't know.

[WshIKnw]

It DID play a role. You have to realize this was 3 years post BD. There was a significant amount of self-improvement between these milestones. A lot took place over the course of that time.

I hope this isn't the only thing you took away from my post to you.

No, I always read your posts very thoroughly. You are one of the main ones that I look forward to hearing from. Was there something else you said that you think I should respond to?