Hi Huddy, I think the main issue here may be that you are seeing DBing purely as a strategy to save your marriage. Of course we all want/wanted to do that - it's why we came here after all. But it is also about saving yourself and holding on so tightly to your situation - looking for signs and jumping at the first sign of positivity aren't putting yourself first. And same for all of our - ultimately our spouse may want out or they may want back in.
So, when I talk about DBing, first and foremost I'm talking about what you are doing independently of your W - because building up your own life helps bring the detachment which is so central to DBing.
As to whether your W is looking to see if it is 'safe' or whatever...I think the answer here is not to make incidences important, but look for trends.
Take Irish's XW for example. If she contacts him a couple of times and says she misses what they had, that may not mean she wants to reconnect. But maybe she was feeling sad at that moment. Maybe she woke up the next day glad to be single and so on - because people tend to cycle.
And that's why it's so important to detach, because then we can take the ups and the downs and when the downs come, we have other stuff going on and we can leave our spouse too it, without falling out with them, being unpleasant or being a hardass.
I think your worry about 'missing' signs from her, may be a sign of fear - I'm not okay alone, not okay if this doesn't work out. Maybe this is something to think about. Let's also have a think about your needs here - she bailed on the marriage - but if she gave a subtle sign she wanted back in you would jump at that? For me, if someone has run in that way, they need to put in a lot of effort to try and turn things around.
Hope this helps anyway Huddy and have a lovely weekend
T 13 M 7 Me 48 H 46 SS 15 BD 7.14 PA D final 5.16 (H filed)
We receive & we lose, and must try to achieve gratitude & embrace with whole hearts whatever of life that remains after the losses - Dubus
