So Confused and Conflicted (4)

[KevinIn]

Do you ever struggle with being happy, Kevin?

Yes, but i make an effort to do things to make me happy, which also takes my mind off her.

Examples:
Drinks with a coworker last night who is also separating. Misery loves company. We ended up also having dinner together. It was fun and i was happy the entire time.

Going to college basketball games tonight with a buddy. Gotta love march madness.

Going to a concert monday. Bought the tix and didnt know who to take. Now im taking a friend i bumped into.

Gym / exercise.


If you are really struggling with happiness, maybe talk to your dr. about antidepressants. The pain is real. Take something to manage it.

[Gordie]

I'm tired of having my hopes dashed on this forum. I need something to hold on to, even if there isn't really any hope. It will help me ride this out. This place is called "Divorce Busting", not "Give Up And Get Over Them". This place is supposed to be focused on saving your marriage, no matter how far gone it is.

WshIKnw:

I just want to jump on the bandwagon with the other posters here who are all trying to help you (they have all helped me so much). They are not trying to dash your hopes. You need something to hold on to, I get that.

When I showed up on this forum in December, it was three months after BD and I was mentally where I think you are now: sad, depressed, hopeless, constantly thinking about my W, analyzing every word and action, trying to read her mind (and thinking I could change it), head spinning with thoughts of the past and the future.

If you go through my threads, you'll see that really confused guy starting to get his s*** together. Focusing on and taking ownership of the issues that I contributed to my failed M. Focusing on my demons. Taking my focus off of my W and not letting her ups and downs dictate my thoughts and feelings and actions.

I've gotten to a much better place in my own head and heart...and you know what? It's starting to make a difference in my R with my W. She's gone from spewing and demanding separation and D...to questioning herself and some days...pursuing me!

Do I have hope? Yes. Do I know if my W and I will reconcile and create a new M and turn into a success story? No, I don't know...I want that but she has to want that too...it's taken time for me to learn that...that I don't control my W and the outcome of my situation...and that I have to let her go to make her own choice. I can make myself a better Gordie and a better Gordie is a more attractive Gordie, but I can't control whether or not she notices, as her focus is completely on herself right now.

Do I have something to hold on to? Yes, faith (for me it's religious, but can be otherwise) that my life serves a purpose and that I can be happy and that my life can be filled with love and meaning...no matter if I D or not.

[WshIKnw]

If you are really struggling with happiness, maybe talk to your dr. about antidepressants. The pain is real. Take something to manage it.

Did that all through college. I may have been on too strong of a dosage, because all it did was make me want to sleep and demotivate me. I don't believe in anti-depressants, especially when the cause of the sadness is something wrong in your life. It was very painful withdrawing from that drug. It took me a year and a half to get off of it, using a liquid form that I could easily taper. Instead, I believe in eating right, exercising, socialization/family/support, and pursuing things that make you happy while avoiding things that make you sad.

Depression is a disease of civilization: Stephen Ilardi at TEDxEmory

[LITB]

Hey Wsh,

You have the ability to influence the dynamics of your sitch. It begins with you. It really does.

You have a plethora of great advice. It is up to each person receiving the advice to either apply it or discard it. If you are being honest with yourself, how much of the advice that has been given to you, have you followed?

My sitch changed for a few reasons.
-I did the work on improving myself, and that work continues daily.

-I had detached and moved on(this took time). I had accepted that my M/R was over.

-The first reconciliation didn't work, because my W did not work on herself. I was more prepared for the second BD. Heck, I saw it coming and was preparing for it before it happened and I was okay with it. NOTE: She did work on herself before the second recon.

-The second time, even though my W wanted out, I ended up being the one pushing the divorce to get finalized. We were only a couple of signatures away.

-One thing that I don't discuss much on the forums, is that I was dating someone at the time. I wasn't doing it to change my sitch. I had moved on and was excited about the future. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it didn't play a role in changing my circumstances.

Ultimately, it begins with you. That cannot be emphasized enough.

It shouldn't be someone else's responsibility to make us happy, because we are all imperfect and will undoubtedly fail. Our happiness, is our responsibility.

What are you gonna do to get there? What have you done to make progress in your journey? Have you cut your hair?

[KevinIn]

-One thing that I don't discuss much on the forums, is that I was dating someone at the time. I wasn't doing it to change my sitch. I had moved on and was excited about the future. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it didn't play a role in changing my circumstances.

Interesting. i've been thinking about this lately.

If you don't mind sharing a little... I think i remember reading your situation some - i assume you ended that other relationship when reconciliation started? How was your wife's reaction to the other person?

[WshIKnw]

My mom thinks the fastest way to get someone back is to date.

[LITB]

-One thing that I don't discuss much on the forums, is that I was dating someone at the time. I wasn't doing it to change my sitch. I had moved on and was excited about the future. I'd be lying if I didn't admit that it didn't play a role in changing my circumstances.

Interesting. i've been thinking about this lately.

If you don't mind sharing a little... I think i remember reading your situation some - i assume you ended that other relationship when reconciliation started? How was your wife's reaction to the other person?

It was a complicated process. I really liked the person that I was dating and saw a future with her. I feel bad that she got hurt in the process.

I had kept my relationship with her private for nearly 4 months. Boy, does that sound like a WAS in the middle of an A. That sounds terrible typing that and reading it. Ah well...with respect to transparency.

The tables had turned for sure. The way my W found out of purely a fluke. I was going to dinner one evening with my GF. As we were turning left at an intersection, you can guess who was coming the opposite direction. Yup...the W and our kids. This happened in the Bay Area. Not exactly a small metro area.

Needless to say, my W flipped out and my kids we devastated. I found that out on Monday afternoon. A lot happened after that, but that was the beginning of the change for us.

My mom thinks the fastest way to get someone back is to date.

Perhaps, but if you don't do the work, the wheels will fall off again and you will hurt someone in the process. Wsh, you keep looking for that magic bullet. It doesn't exist.

You CANNOT talk yourself out of something you acted your way into. It takes action. Let your actions be your words. Actions speak louder than words.

So I will ask you again. What have you been doing with your time to make changes within yourself?

This was my last post in my piecing thread. It applies to each of us.

It's been awhile since I last posted an update. Things with my W continue to go relatively well and in a positive direction. It is definitely a work in progress, as it should be. We have learned that it is okay to agree, to disagree. There are topics that we may never see eye to eye on, and it is all good. Choose your battles wisely.

To all of the newbies. I realize how difficult it is and how hopeless things look. I can assure that things will get better, no matter the outcome of your sitch. The beauty of these situations, is that you have choices and it begins with change. That change begins with you.

The below applies to both WASes and LBSes. We all have areas to work on.

“Everywhere you go, there you are” means to me that change must ultimately come from within. I used to think that if I changed my outer world––moved, got a new job, a new relationship (especially!)––something fundamental would change as well.

Mostly, I ended up reading from the same script, but just on a different stage in a different theater. No real fundamental change had occurred just because I changed my outer world. It did not automatically create any significant change in my inner world. Indeed, it was amazing how quickly I would re-establish old patterns, re-energize old habits in my new environment. Essentially I was decorating my new abode with the furniture from my previous one.

Eventually, tired of not creating the change that my conscious mind said I wanted, I spent a lot of time thinking and feeling it through. Before long I had a blinding flash of the obvious: Everywhere I went, there I was. The same old me. In new clothes perhaps, new surroundings, but still me, re-enacting the same behaviors, thinking and acting the same way that had created my circumstances in my old surroundings. People being pretty much the same the world over, others were reacting the same way to me and the same old, same old dynamics were occurring over and over. Everywhere I went, there I was.

The problem wasn’t other people, it was me. If I wanted change, I needed to change (“Become the Change You Seek…”). And even if the existence of the problem wasn’t entirely my “fault,” even if I had not created it, if I was the one who wanted change, then certainly the fastest way to get what I wanted was to accept responsibility for creating it.

If I wanted to create real, lasting, meaningful change in my outer world, I needed to start with my inner world. Once I did that, once I started thinking, acting, and being different, once I started seeing others and myself in a different light, I was amazed how much change seemed to happen automatically. Things that before seemed to take so much effort, frequently appeared to come about on their own.

Yes, different circumstances and surroundings can create the space and opportunity for change by removing many of the old cues and support for behaviors you wish to change. New people in your life, with no expectations of you based upon your past, can create a honeymoon period for you to try out the embryonic changes you are creating. However, these change opportunities can be squandered more quickly than you might realize and are far from self-determining.

Because for better or worse (as always, your choice): Everywhere You Go, There You Are.

Work on you. Work on your happiness. Work on changing your world.

[WshIKnw]

You know what got me through the hardest times? I went out and joined a club a week or two after BD. I met weekly with people that were previously complete strangers. These people knew me as "Kaizen" and not my ex's spouse. These were my friends that knew me. I spent 6 hours every week enjoying their company and spending 0 energy thinking about my ex, at least for that time. I would drive home from work every day and think about driving into traffic or driving off a bridge. I felt like if my ex didnt value me, then I must not have any value. This group helped me get back my self-worth. It helped give me the strength I needed to do what needed to be done to give my marriage the best chance I could.

What club was this, Kaizen?

[WshIKnw]

brizz, are you a "cheat and we're done" person, or did you file for divorce to wake up your wife?

[WshIKnw]

Do I have something to hold on to? Yes, faith (for me it's religious, but can be otherwise) that my life serves a purpose and that I can be happy and that my life can be filled with love and meaning...no matter if I D or not.

I have a feeling your marriage is going to make it, Gordie.

It's funny how women are all about marriage, from the time they are little girls, and they put so much effort into their marriages once they are married. Yet they are the primary ones to give up on their marriages. It seems like about 90% of the LBS's here are men.