WAW had an affair - hurt and confused

[Accuray]

I hate that she needs space to think about something that shouldn't be a difficult choice but I accept it. She's in a fragile place psychologically. All I can do is not be a crutch for her and learn to stand on my own 2 feet myself.

Awesome brizz. Glad you're turning a corner.

Look at this quote above though -- all three of those sentences focus on her and what she's thinking. Poison water -- she's not your focus. No longer your problem how she makes her choices, how fragile her psyche is, or what crutches she's looking for. That's all on her, she's taken all of that off your plate.

If you look at the three main recommendations of Divorcebusting they are (1) act as if, (2) get a life, and (3) do a 180 right?

Do a 180 is about taking your learnings about yourself forward and changing things up.

Get a life is about rebuilding your sense of control by interacting with other people, getting their validation and using that to rebuild your self-worth rather than trying to find it only with your WAW. It's about taking the focus and attention off of your WAW.

Act as if is just "fake it until you make it" because really you can't just will your grief or processing to go faster, it has to unfold on its own timeline.

Someone who could DB perfectly would do the following:

[Gets ILYBNILWY, or discovers affair]

"Good luck with that, let me know how it works out"

Then just immediately head the other direction in terms of contact with and focus on the WAW.

No explanation of how you feel, no seeking explanations, just nothing.

Evaluate your role in the breakdown of the relationship but stop far short of taking on too much. What did/do you do that would likely bother anybody over time? Work with IC/MC/DB coach to fix that.

Note: You can't "fix" your insecurities, developmental issues, etc., those are yours to stay. You *can* develop better tools for coping with them, better ways of communicating etc. It's very important not to think of yourself as somehow broken, because you're not.

The WAS doesn't need to know that you're interested in reconciling, let them figure that out by pursuing you.

Become the better choice through your actions and the life you lead.

That's it. That's the prescription, but it's oh so hard.

You did some great things in sticking up for yourself and in establishing your value and self-worth by making W leave the master bedroom, find a new place to live etc.

Although that strength causes conflict in the near term, it's attractive in the long run. Keep operating on that basis and no matter what happens you'll win.

Acc